Jolly Giant


My friend, let’s just call her Margaret Steinberg says that I leave people hanging with my blogs and that I don’t say enough.

Let’s start with letting everyone know that I was born 24 inches long, that’s right people- two feet tall! I am very proud to announce to everyone that in 1988 I was the largest baby born in the hospital. It’s one of the only achievements I’ve ever really accomplished because I hate sports, I will watch them, as long as I can eat chips or popcorn, but I will not participate. In fact, in high school, I found myself at the nurses office or guidance counselors office whenever it was time for gym.

If I were in a room full of thousands of people, I guarantee that you would be able to spot me out first; not because of my amazingly beautiful face, but because of my large demeanor. About my beautiful face, can I just say what I hate most in the world? When people tell me I have a pretty face, like shut up, you might as well just say “you’re so fat”, because really, I know my face is beautiful, I don’t need your stupid reminders, say something nice like, “YOU’RE PRETTY”. Rude.

In high school, people used to call me Shaq because I was so ginormously tall, I liked it. I wore a Lakers jersey for most of grade 11, that’s cool I guess. My mom always told me I was special because of my height, and I guess I see her point now, because if I were a foot shorter, I would totally look like an oompa loompa.

I like to think that I’ve been given a special gift, I’m an optical illusion!

 

 

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Duffy


Duffy is my brother. Yes, that’s his real name, no he is not a puppy. Anyway, my little brother is one year, eleven months and one day younger than me, let me tell you, he wasn’t always so little. Anyway, this little kid stole all my parents attention when I was just two years old. When he was born he was so fat, he really looked like one of those Guiness World Record fattest babies of the year (sorry Duff). I think at one point when I was four and he was two he weighed more than me. Anyway, I love my brother, but I can’t stand him. He weighs I think 130 pounds, 5″10, and will only eat health food. He’s such a loser. I mean, if you’re that thin, go ahead and eat all the food you want! But it wasn’t always like that, he used to only eat greasy, fried, fat food, the healthy thing only started recently.

I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t for his muscles, he would weigh 110 pounds. Anyway, he got the good genes. Not fair…Image

F!@# B#$% W#$%


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Anybody that knows me, knows that I don’t swear. Not that I don’t swear, I won’t swear. On multiple occasions, my mother has offered me thousands of dollars to say F U C K, and I refuse to.

Maybe it’s because I was traumatized that time I said it at four years old. She warned me that if that word came out of my mouth, then I would get soap in my mouth- HA! Like she would actually put soap in her childs mouth; so I tested her. Two seconds after the F- word came out of my mouth, I found myself at the kitchen sink with a Dove soap bar in my mouth, I’m not sure why, but I decided to bite it ( I was probably hungry). I remember suds coming out of my mouth as the mailman came to the door, and he gave me this strange face. Needless to say, from that day I don’t say the F-word… or B-word, or W-word, or any word. I can spell it… FUCK.

A Message to Skinny Girls


You know what I hate? Skinny girls that complain they’re fat. Like shut up, you can hide behind a stop sign. Why do skinny girls always want to take all the attention away from everyone. Let me be the one to complain that I’m so fat, and I really need to loose 3 pounds. Skinny girls are so selfish.

Diet Coke Please


I’m not sure if this next post is funny because I’m fat, or because I’m tall, either way, I’ll tell it.

So I’m 14 years old, out for dinner with my mom, and the nice waitress lady asks me what I want to drink, I respond with “diet coke”, because every 14 year old should be drinking DIET coke, and not regular coke, right? Anyway, she brings me this drink, and I almost want to projectile vomit all over her after taking a large fat girl gulp. My mom tries it, and it’s rum and coke, EW.

Anyway, apparently at the age of 14, I looked 18. Lucky me. Why am I only getting carded everywhere I go now?

Lazy Me


I AM SO LAZY! My favorite pastime is doing NOTHING.

So I have a dog, I really think I’m a terrible pet owner because, instead of actually walking my dog, I bring a ball with me out on these so-called “walks”, sit on the grass and throw the ball at him so he gets exercise- and I wonder why the vet has diagnosed him with obesity! Like mommy, like son. Anyway, more about my dog, lets just call him Genius for fun. He really takes after me. He loves running into walls, sleeping all day, cuddling, rolling in mud (I just like to get my clothes dirty, same thing). Anything that can go wrong with Genius, does- he flies into a tree, thus getting burrs stuck on his face, we had to shave his face and leave him with a hairy body, he has a collapsed lung, so he breathes funny, he’s sprained his paws a couple of times, gotten trees stuck in paws, ear infections almost weeklyImage.

 

He’s just a klutz and I love him. I think I love him most because I can tell him all my secrets and he won’t judge me. I wish he didn’t have to pee at 3 am though. That wasn’t nice last night, Genius!

Story Time


So, I hate winter. Like, I can’t even begin to explain how much I hate it. My brother got me this coat last year, that I swore I would fit into this year- I fit into it, but I feel l look like a stuffed sausage. Anyway, in the winter of 2005, I had my high school ski trip. I was so excited to go, because I would hang out with all my friends, and look really cool skiing; couldn’t wait! Anyway, packing up for this trip, I realized I only had a pair of snowpants from when I was twelve years old and under 100 pounds. I decided to take them because I had no time or patience to shop. First day on this exciting ski trip, I get ready, and gee whiz, the pants don’t zip up. What’s the worst that can happen! So I’m on the ski hill, trying to impress all the cool kids with my cool ski moves, I noticed my tummy tum was getting a bit cold, but didn’t think anything of it. Three hours later, I’m lying in my bedroom being poked by my grade 10 science teacher… cool.Turns out I had frost bite on my stomach due to the pants not zipping up. This frost bite lasted a nice five years. just recently got the feeling back, so exciting, so much to do with it now!

Anyway! Bundle Up! Stay Safe! Image