A Note To Skinny Girls


Last week I was a little, very mean to the skinny girls. My apologies. Well not really, but I’ll say I am so you continue to read my hilarious blog. Anyway, I know skinny people have feelings too and it hurts their feelings when people make fun of their skininess, it’s the same for fat people. Except in elementary school you’re part of the cool crowd and no one makes fun of you for being the skinny kid who can’t run to first base in soccer baseball; only the fat kids who kick the ball in the opposite direction and can’t make it to first without being smacked by the ball get made fun of. So, because skinny girls were mean to me in school, it’s my turn to retaliate. If you don’t like it, I don’t care. Anyway, so this whole new “loose fitting” clothing is in style, and I was beginning to think that all these big names were making clothes for the fatty boombas plump girls. Anyway, these loose fitting shirts, fit me perfectly, and I’m starting a new trend. Skinny people have it so easy. Everything looks so good on them. Even if it’s too tight it looks good. I got yelled at when I tried to wear a belly shirt at twelve. What did I know? I thought it was cute

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Holidays


So this weekend was Christmas! It was a blast. Donald Chow made me a delicious 5 course meal, which I gladly ate all of, and surprisingly had no room for desert after I was done. Now, being a Jew that celebrates Christmas is quite special to me. Because not only do I get the yummy grandmalicious food for Channukah, but I also get the yummy Christmas food. I’m a little bummed that I didn’t get my gingerbread house this year- it’s probably half price now! I love some good deals. Anyway, this weekend I ate so much food, and I’m still full from it. So full that I have no room for dinner, and let me tell you, I’ve always got some room. Donald Chow and I had nothing to do for Christmas, so we thought we would be cool and go see not one, not two, not three but FOUR movies at the movie theatre. They were all good. But the downtown theatre made the best popcorn. I’m bloated from all the salt. Anyway, I love Christmas. I’m a bad Jew.

Elephant In Heels


I used to live on the second floor of an apartment building. I got the bigger bedroom in the place, and really thought that I lucked out–wrong! Every evening at 9:00pm I would hear what sounded like an elephant in heels dancing around the apartment. My lamp would shake and everything on my dressers would fall off. It was a mini earthquake but only I felt it. I assumed there was a large lady above me dancing around learning how to dance on a pole. because the noises that came from above were absolutely ridiculous. One night, I had had enough, and had to confront this elephant face to face. I bravely knock on the door, ready to explode and tell her that she should not be wearing high heels anymore, and to walk on her tippy toes like a ballerina. To my surprise, this skinny, super nice girl answers the door and I just want to hit her! Turns out she was working out on her elliptical in the exercise room, which was right above my room. Whatever, I didn’t have enough rooms for an exercise room, there’s my excuse. Anyway, I recently moved out, and now I live on the first floor. Genius gets a lot of exercise as now I can throw the ball around the apartment and no one will complain.

Being Healthy


I’m trying really hard to be healthy. I got one of those lunchboxes that helps in like making a huge salad, and a small spot for a pigeon sized protein portion, and a small carb area, its like a cool little lunchbox thingy. Anyway, I worked so hard on my lunch on Wednesday night. I packed it perfectly, weighed my meat,. measured my salad dressing.  I had italian, yuck, I like ranch. Anyway, I get on the metro yesterday morning all happy to be with my smart, healthy economical less than $5 lunch. As I walk into work I look down, and realize that my lunch is gone! Someone stole my lunch! I should stop blaming others though, really. I probably just left it there, and now the homeless man with his stomach hanging out snoring every morning is probably enjoying filet mignon with a small baked potato and a large salad with italian dressing. I hope you’re happy old man, I licked my fingers when I put it in there.

Hey Hey Skinny Girls


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Apparently, this post is mean, skinny girls, I love you. I’m just trying to get a bigger following! xoxo

What’s up skinny girls! Happy Friday to you! I’m loving the snow today, how about you? You know, I feel like skinny girls are super cold in the winter. All they have is their bones and stupid fall jackets and uggs that keep their feet cold and wet. I don’t feel sorry for you, eat something you skinny B!@#$, you could use some warmth this winter. You know what I LOVE? Seeing skinny people fall. HA! You skinny people have no balance, you’re all holding onto poles on the side of the road, and freezing your skinny boney bums off. I make natural heat! I just figured it out! That’s why they wear those silly looking Canada Goose jackets. Thanks to my darling friend at work Lucia Bernstein, who gave me a yummy afternoon treat yesterday, my toes were a little bit warmer this morning!  Sucks for you cold skinny people,  this warmth is free, you need to pay hundreds for yours. I WIN!

The Gym Part II


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Listen, I’m all for going to the gym. Actually, not so much, but I’m all for positive attitude about going to the gym. Mine is perfectly located in between old people village and old people city, perfect right? Wrong! I go to my gym and take these classes with old ladies that are ten times more fit than me, and can move their bodies in Zumba that I never thought I would be able to. I thought joining would make me feel better, but these old bubbies just shut me down! I’m tired after the first dance- who am I kidding, I’m a liar, I’ve finished an entire bottle of water and exhausted after the warmup! Story of a fat plump girl. I think different people should attend different gyms. Meaning, there should be a gym for those fat folks, a gym for the stupid lanky looking kids that really aren’t fooling anyone by doing a 0 incline and a speed of 2, a gym for the athletic skinny people who are just there to look in the mirror and look at all the other athletic muscular skinny people and have muscular skinny people chats with each other, and then a gym for the oldies. It’s just so discouraging when I’m on the treadmill and I see this B!@#$ next to me having a jolly old time there just trotting away, no sweat, no messy hair, just a fun flowy run. FYI fun fit girl at the gym with no worries in the world— I hate you.  

My Mama Always Told Me


Growing up, my mama always told me “Fat girls only buy shoes and purses”. My mom is always right. I have a TON of purses, and a crazy amount of shoes. I do this thing though where I abuse the hell out of a pair of shoes that I like at the moment. I wear them for like a month, and then my relationship with the shoes is over. I don’t throw them out. We all know I have a hoarding problem. I still have a pair of knee high boots with a broken heel in my entrance. I like to tell myself I’m just making a fashion statement. Donald Chow got me this AMAZING Michael Kors bag last year, only thing was, it was a white bag. We all know how I am with staining myself. Anyway, I am so proud to say that I only stained this bag once, and cleaned it right away! Donald was so proud of me!

On another note,I’ve had this friend Rhoda Clarice Greenberg Adams  since I was born. Well, since I was like two, I think. She’s so nice, and always encouraging me to write new blog posts. Rhoda Clarice is not like Barb, in fact she’s quite special, she always makes me feel special at work, and not like one of the fat kids who works with all the skinny girls at a fashion company plump girls. Her daughter Sarah Gillian is going to grow up and be beautiful like me some day. She’ll buy lots of clothes though, not purses and shoes.