Holy Leggings!!


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Seeing as a fat plump girls best friend are her leggings, I am proud to say that I own a WHOPPING ELEVEN PAIRS. Not much, I know, I threw out seventeen earlier this year. Eleven and seventeen is twenty-eight, I’m a hoarder. Anyway, the reason why I threw them out is because my mommy made me! No, I lied, she didn’t… however, she did hint that I should get rid of them.  How is it that I could have the worlds skinniest legs and prettiest face, and still have the most holes in my pants between the leg area. Is it just me that has that problem? I do not find it necessary to buy $1000 yoga pants with a glare just so that I don’t get holes in my leggings, I want Forever 21 $5.50 leggings that don’t get holes! Is that too much to ask for! Does Barb have the same struggles I do?

 

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I’m Sick


Hey Y’all, 

So I’m not sure if its sad that I enjoy being sick. The doctors say its gastro or the flu, who knows, whatever it is, it isn’t pleasant. I spent Saturday night in the hospital with an IV, it wasn’t fun. They put me on this metal board to sleep on, while all the skinny folks got real hospital beds with rails.  Anyway, after my first day of regurgitating all food that entered my system, I was thrilled to get on the scale the next morning. I was so happy to see that I had lost four pounds. Now, I want to go to the fridge and eat everything in sight. However, I know that I will probably hate myself later for it. My mommy made me the yummiest chicken soup, I was so upset when I was only able to eat one bite, because it’s just so deliciously yummy and you can tell it was made with love. Back to bed for now. If anyone wants to come take care of me, I’ll forward you my address and give you a mask! 

Another Note To Skinny Girls


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We all have that friend that eats like a horse but still weighs like twelve pounds. I know a bunch of them, actually to be honest, most people I know are like that except me. I guess I just have a very very snail like slow metabolism. Anyway, you know what I hate more about friends that eat like horses and weigh twelve pounds? The ones that say while eating that they really need to lose ten pounds. HOW DARE YOU. Me, while I sit there with my disgusting leaves and vomitrocious salad dressing, actually its not even salad dressing, its like pouring acidic garbage juice over tree leaves and eating it. Blech. Anyway, so I’m eating this thinking I’m all healthy, when this skinny b#$^* eating fries and a cheeseburger next to me tell me she’s so fat.  Yes Barb, I’m talking about you! FYI: I hate you. I’d love a cheeseburger right now.

I Need a Bib


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People tell me that I’m unable to keep my clothes clean. This is true, I must admit. I somehow happen to always stain the upper part of my shirt, you know, where the mammary glands are. I hope that makes sense, I went to use the thesaurus and wanted to use another word for boobies or teats, so I used mammary glands- hope this makes sense. Anyway, I can never manage to keep my clothes clean. I either stain the front of my shirt, or food falls into my shirt. For example when I got home from work yesterday and got dressed for bed, Genius got a nice snack when extra sunflower seeds came out of my shirt. (Was that inappropriate?)

I wish they made bibs for adults, so I wouldn’t feel so out of place. Is it normal that I need to wash my clothes only after one use?

Who Eats Forks Anyway?


I was out for dinner last night with my friend Christina Holland. We were laughing, and having a good time, until I looked over and saw this real winner sitting at a table by himself biting his fork. He wasn’t a heavy man or anything, but why did he feel the need to bite down on his fork?   Was there not enough food on there? It hurts my teeth just thinking about it. Actually, now that I think of it, maybe he had that disease where they like to eat metal? Pica Syndrome… I just googled it, I’m that smart. He could have ordered  a second meal. I would have paid for it, if I was promised I wouldn’t have to see this fork biting experience. The whole thing was just wrong. That’s why I like Chinese food. People can’t eat their chopsticks.

Do Your Pants Fall Down…


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Am I the only one that has this issue as a fat plump girl? I wear what I think is this really fun outfit, only to find that an hour into my day my pants are falling down and I look like a beluga whale picking them up every five seconds. In the winter it works out well for me, because I wear these long puffy jackets and really high boots. If my pants fall down no one will see, and in the case someone does see… too bad for them. I think it’s because I have a larger waist and no bum. I’m not sure what I prefer at this point. Anyway, when I wear these pants, which are most of the time leggings, because come on, they’re the easiest thing to put on and go with absolutely EVERYTHING… I can’t lift boxes, raise my arms up, or dance like an uncontrollable silly penguin.

So, the question remains…am I the only one that suffers from pants-fall-down-daily syndrome?

$5 Sugar Coffees


High school was the first time I was really allowed to be left alone, and spend my own money. I had a summer job, and made a whopping $500 in two months (slave labor wtv). Anyway, going to school downtown, there were funky coffee shops on every corner. Every morning I would stop by this really fun one, where this very eclectic man in different cowboy hats for every day of the week, would give me samples of different cakes to try. This man knew how to run a business because let me tell you, I was there every morning! Anyway, one Tuesday morning, into the second month of high school, and I go to swipe my bank card and it says “INSUFFICIENT FUNDS”. I’m absolutely mortified. That morning, I was very unhappy not to have my coffee.

It turns out that I had spent $500 in two months on fancy coffees, cookies, croissants and along with that, I probably went up two pant sizes. That was when I started wearing Parasuco’s and developed the muffin top with a shirt that was two sizes too small.

Anyway, so my mom made fun of me for being broke and spending all my money on coffee. She told my grandma Gillian about this and to this day, she still questions my spending habits and says “Hillary darling, I hope you’re not spending all your money on those $5 sugar coffees. They’re very bad for you. Your figure doesn’t like them and either does your bank account”

My grandmother and my mother are quite alike, it’s actually quite funny. Very critical.

P.S I wore dark purple lipstick yesterday…. oh boy did she have something to say!