Nervous Nelly

As nervous as I am about my upcoming surgery. I think what I am most nervous about is what I’m going to look like afterwards. I know I have to get one of those shower caps on my head right before; so I’ll probably look like a funky troll. But then what happens after when I’m all groggy and makeup-less. Who am I kidding though, I’m usually makeup-less but it’s because I’m just a supermodel. Anyway, I hope when all my visitors come to see me (I know there will be a lot, send me your info, I will let you know my room number) that my hair and makeup are done perfectly. Too bad Donald Chow doesn’t know how to put my makeup on for me.

On a more serious note, I think I am a little nervous, because I don’t want the doctors to have to cut me open. I have been working so hard at this liquid diet. I mean, so hard that I had to move back in with Ronnie Ginger for a week, so she could “babysit” me through my diet– now THAT’S dedication! I’m thirteen pounds down in just eight days. Who knew this liquid diet would help me lose an entire butterball turkey off my body!

Anyway, 4 Days!

The Blame Game

I think the hardest part of growing up, was being the odd child. I had a brother and a “sisterly friend” (her words, not mine) who both had the bodies of anorexic looking barbies. The two of them would be able to eat whatever they wanted, and Ronnie and Gordon gave the two of them snacks whenever they wanted.That is so unfair. When I wanted a snack, I’d get this stern NO, and maybe a carrot thrown in my face.

I don’t want to blame anyone for the reason why I am the way I am, however, the entire family; Ronnie, Gordon, Buffy and Ethel would hide food from me. They went so far as to hide whippets in Buffys safe in his bedroom. Needless to say, I broke in, and got all those whippets. I don’t even like those cookies, the marshmallows are gross. It was just for the thrill, and because they wanted to hide it from me, I wanted it more. When I was somewhere around 10 years old, my mom fought so hard to get me to not hit the hundred pound mark. (Right now I’d kill to weigh 100 pounds) I was seeing dieticians, going to Weight Watchers, doing sports which really didn’t interest me. Finally when I did hit 100 pounds, it all went downhill from there, (or shall I say uphill). I just kept eating. I’m still not sure if it was because I was bored or if it was because I wanted to play a fun activity like “unlock-the-food-safe”. I’m still figuring that one out.

Anyway, the lesson here is, don’t hide food from your kids, they’ll find it elsewhere, and gain an extra eighty pounds, and none of that weight gain would be from whippets left in the cupboard where they should be.

A (Sort Of) Apology To Skinny Girls

My Auntie Manny Ginger and I went to the casino this weekend, and on the way there she mentioned to me that I sounded a little angry and jealous  at skinny people. I just want to clarify that skinny people are not my problem. I do not hate skinny people, and I hold nothing against you for having great genes. Thank your parents and your family for that. I am jealous of the image you give off as being such carefree happy people with no worries in the world. She was right though, when I said I was jealous, that’s true. I wish I was happy with myself, but I’m not. Hopefully this surgery will help me at not being such a bitter person, and not blaming all the skinny people for my problems. I love food, and I brought this upon myself. I am using this surgery as a tool to help me to learn to love me! Christina Hane told me wise words from Whitney: the greatest love of all is learning to love yourself. I know this journey will be rough and tough, and very hard. This surgery is not an easy way out, but it’s a tool that will help me succeed because I have struggled for twenty five years on my own.

All this being said, this doesn’t mean that “A Note to Skinny Girls” will end, or my ranting about skinny people will stop. I still will. I will always be jealous, but I can’t wait to make everyone else jealous of me.

A Small Thank You

This is my last FAT TUESDAY! I will never be this fat on a Tuesday again! I am so excited. But the surgery date is coming closer and closer and it’s finally becoming more real.

When I was a kid, I always felt like the large loser who didn’t fit in. I never really had any friends, and I always thought people looked at me funny. People did look at me funny, because I didn’t like to brush my hair, and I’m sure I had a funky odor to me. (Did I get you to feel bad for me yet?) Anyway, since I started writing this blog, and shared my amazing secret with the world, I have never felt so popular and loved. People who I haven’t spoken to in months, years have congratulated me, and told me how much of an inspiration I am (who knew!). I never expected this to be what it is, and I’m thanking everyone around me for their encouragement and support. To the people in Pakistan, Russia and Kuwait reading this, thank you, but seriously; how did you find my blog? To the people here, you know who you are, and I thank you for everything, and to the ones who have sent me individual messages with support and encouragement, you don’t know how much that means to me.

Thank you.

Are All Mothers This Critical?

Today was my “before” picture day. While I once believed I had a skinny back, and skinny legs, my loving, in her own special way, mother, Ronnie Ginger, who possesses absolutely no filter, found it necessary to point out to me that my backside was not as small as I actually believed it to be. Bravo for you, Ronnie, Bravo! In her words: “She does not have a skinny back, or skinny legs, or a skinny butt, everything looks small in comparison to her midsection”…. she didn’t say midsection, she said “belleh”… you know like that Destinys Child Bootylicious song? 

This weekend, she got mad at me for being hungry. She doesn’t understand. I asked her if she would like it if her cigarettes were blended into a shake she had to drink four times a day and had to stop her addiction. Apparently she found this funny, so funny in fact, she made a little wee wee. 

G-d bless her soul. No matter what comes out of her mouth, I know she truly loves me. 

My Name is Hillary, I Am A Foodaholic

My name is Hillary. I am addicted to food.Yes, food is my addiction. Laugh all you want! I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself while everyone around me is eating greasy fried food and birthday cake, while I am sipping on vomit milkshake. I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself. I should be happy that I was given this opportunity for surgery, that most people are never able to even dream of.

I moved in with my mom and brother this week, just to ensure that someone would be on my case watching my every move. While I thought everyone would want to spend time with me, and ask me about my diet, I was surprised to find out that the moment I got there they all ran out of the house. It was like I smelled like cabbage soup or something. Who knows. Anyway, so last night while I’m at my moms house, I go into her fridge, because she always has the best food. I am so ready to cheat and to sneak a little chocolate here, and maybe a piece of cheese. One piece of cheese won’t kill me right? As I go to get it, Genius looks at me. I know I don’t NEED this cheese, I close the door and I was so proud of myself that I was able to walk away. Food is an addiction. It’s hard to just stop eating all together. Food has been part of my life forever. This is like some sick trick the doctors are playing – “hey fat girl, I know you love food, stop eating”. This will all be worth it in the end.

Just so everyone is clear, the reason for this detox liquid diet, is because the surgery is done laparoscopically (that’s how you spell it, I googled it). So because of this, they want to make sure my liver is small so they don’t need to cut me open. If I eat food while on this liquid diet, my liver will be too big and then they’ll have to cut me open when I have the surgery and I’ll have this gross ugly scar that I don’t want.

On another note, something I should have realized a long time ago- we need food to survive, we don’t need it all the time for no reason.

A Note To Skinny Girls

Hey Skinny Girls,

Are you ready to have a new friend soon? I don’t understand the skinny girls that can go all day just drinking a tea and saying they’re not hungry.  I really thought I was going to pass out yesterday for eating nothing but vomit smelling protein shakes, but I did it. Nine days to go! I hope that when I start losing weight that skinny girls won’t be mad at me for all the horrible things I said about them. I know that I will wear a Canada Goose jacket too, and I’ll be a lot colder next year because I won’t have any layers of fat to protect me. One thing I can promise plump girls everywhere, is that I will not be the type of skinny healthy girl that complains how ugly I feel or how much I really need to lose weight.

So far, on day three of liquid diet, I am four pounds down! Each day I am getting more and more friendly and less like a grumpy hungry girl.

Love Always,

Soon to be skinny healthy girl