Maybe If I Wasn’t Fat

Maybe if I wasn’t fat, I would have had more friends.Maybe if I wasn’t fat, I would have been more popular. Maybe if I wasn’t fat, I would have had more clothes, leading me to have a stupid shopping addiction and having me enter rehab for being a shopaholic. Maybe if I wasn’t fat, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Maybe if I wasn’t fat, I would have been rich, instead of me spending all my money on boutique $5 sugar coffees and stupid food.

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. We are put on this earth to do something, and I guess my thing was being fat (and being pretty, and smart, and funny) I think that by being a fat kid, I was made a stronger person; not physically of course, because I can still only lift like three pounds. I feel that now I’m ready to conquer the world, and I now have the cocky confidence all those b!@es had in high school that I didn’t.

… but it’s time that I wake up and smell the turkey bacon, because I am fat. But I’m also happy. Maybe if I wasn’t fat, I wouldn’t have all my amazing friends, or have the best relationship with family. Good thing I am fat though, otherwise y’all wouldn’t have the giggles reading about it!



I Feel Pretty



I figured something out today, and again, it’s going to sound mucho cocky. I came to the realization that everything about me is amazing. I got the “fat genes” because I had everything else going for me. I had the looks, the personality, the humor,  the brains, and the whatever else is amazing that most people don’t get. I got the fat because I couldn’t have everything, right? Who would want to be friends with someone who had absolutely everything going for them? I sure as hell wouldn’t.

Along with the fat, came the lack of confidence. So I was lacking two things that the other kids already had. But whatever. I feel great now, and I’m so happy with  how far I’ve come.

On the confidence note, this morning I went to the gym, it was 7:00 am. (What the hell was I thinking? Had I absolutely lost my mind? Well, I lost that years ago, but whatevs, right?) Anyway, so even though it’s 7:00 am, I should still have even the tiniest bit of energy in my oh-so-large body, I look over at myself in the mirror at my sexy Zumba dance moves, and then look over to Bubby Yetta on my right. This bubby was moving in all sorts of ways imaginable, while I’m standing there on the side looking like a seizing squirrel doing the funky chicken. I don’t like to dance like a normal person because I’m always afraid that my belly rolls are going to pop out of my shirt and I’m actually going to look like something died in pants and I’m just moving in all sorts of stupid ways looking like a moron. Anyway, I immediately get this sudden burst of energy, after seeing this bubby. Well, it wasn’t exactly a burst of energy, it was more of an embarrassment thing, because I want to be dancing better than a 93 year old lady. But I shouldn’t hate, GO YETTA!

Anyway, my hard work paid off and I need a leg massage. Any takers?

Finally Fitting In



OK, don’t hate me, but I’m going to get all mushy for a second. I was out last night with Donald and his coworkers; Carla, Mr. La Hyman, Willow, Adamo and Sasha. For the first time since I was able to like speak, I finally felt “normal”. I know, I know, there is no such thing as normal, and everyone is special in their own special way. No, whoever made that up (Oprah, probably you), you must have been on crack because weird people are weird, and enjoy hanging out with other weird people and don’t feel cool. Popular kids hang out with the popular people, and like to feel like they’re better than everyone else around them. Society made that up, not me. Don’t hate me because I speak the truth. KK, thanks! Ok so anyway, last night,  I totally just felt like I fit in, and I was making jokes and totally felt cool for like that night. I think I’m getting more comfortable with myself.

I hope Donald doesn’t get mad, but I totally saw this dude checking me out when we walked into the bar and he kept giving me googly eyes, and I was all like “yeah, I’m hot, I know it”. I won’t lie, but I totally had “I’m Sexy and I Know it” playing at the time this creeper was checking my hot bod out. Anyway, it boosted up my confidence level a bit, and now I’m totally excited to go out again and be the life of the party.

So when I was fat(ter), I was always super loud, and obnoxious and strange and made really odd sounds, and my mom thought that there was a kind of like, chemical imbalance in my brain. I went to doctors, and they all said the same thing. (I don’t remember, probably that I had ADHHHHHD or something). Dr. Me, has come to the conclusion that I was just masking the pain of being a fat girl. I would do so, by being a loud obnoxious “oaf”. So to try to get the attention off of my body, I would just try to be strange. Anyway, not sure where I’m going with this, but I’m totally able to be loud and obnoxious now, and do it just because I want to, and not because I’m fat and trying to cover being the Michelin Man.

Ps. Hey Skinny Girls,

I love you. We’re BFFAEAE.


Soon-to-be Skinny Girl

On A More Serious Note

I’ve taken this whole “I have a smaller stomach” thing way too lightly these last few days. I figure if I have a small stomach, I won’t need to eat as much, therefore I can eat whatever I want. I understand that weight fluctuates over the course of a week, and it’s majorly unhealthy to weigh myself everyday, however when I woke up this morning and saw that I had gained two pounds overnight, I couldn’t help but hate myself.

After surgery, doctors and nutritionists give post op patients a list of foods they can and cannot eat. We are also given information to eat on portions, and examples on what to eat for meals. If I’m not honest with the world, then I can’t be honest with myself. I have taken bites here and there of foods that I have wanted. I have had an extra three or four bites when I shouldn’t have. From this point on, I never want to see the scale go up again. I can do this. I didn’t go this far just to fail again!

Not to make any excuses, like fat people are good at, but I have been to the gym 5 times in the last 7 days, and I’m so f!@ing proud of myself! Maybe it’s muscle weighing more than fat? NO. It’s just fat being fat.

I promise MYSELF that I will stay on track. It’s only been two months. I should not be off track already.

The Cockiest Post I’ve Ever Written

If you are the type of person that does not like to read about ones cockiness, or doesn’t want to read about someone being obsessed with themselves, then do not read on.


No seriously, I warned you… don’t read.. I’m about to go bananas about how much I love myself.


Being awkward was kind of always my thing. I was abnormally tall, abnormally fat, and abnormally loud. While most people think I gave off this image of this insanely fun person, and someone who was happy all the time, I really hated myself. I should have been an actress because I’ve been playing the same role for the last 25 years. So on that note, I’m not acting anymore, I love me. I am so happy with me, I am so beautiful, I walk around with this obnoxious walk all day shaking my thang because I want everyone around me to look at me and say “damn girl, you not only look good, but you also look like you feel good girl… damn!”

I wore my super cool pants today, and I wasn’t surprised when everyone told me how great I looked. For the people who didn’t compliment me first thing when they saw me, I made sure to make it a point to them that I was wearing my new jeans today, and gave this face so they knew they had to compliment me.

Anyway, that’s all the cocky I could get, maybe in 40 pounds I’ll be twice as annoying!


Forty pounds lighter pleasantly plump girl

Nothing Fits Me



Remember in Mean Girls, when nothing fit Regina because she was like so fat? Well, the opposite has happened to me HALLELUJAH!!!  I tried on a pair of my old jeans today, and I was swimming in them. The hoarder in me wants to keep them, because they’re brand name, but the smart girl in me is telling me that it’s best to get rid of them, because I never want to be that size again. So like, I’m in a really tough place right now. Also, I haven’t been able to see the floor of my closet since I moved into my own apartment in November; maybe I should reconsider throwing out all of my fat clothes. Someone help me!!!!

For the last month, I’ve been living off leggings. The same thing I was wearing each and everyday when I was a Hefty Helga. Not to sound crazy cocky or anything, but I have amazing legs, and leggings just happen to show off the one thing that I’ve got! 

I currently work in the fashion industry with people who are toothpick thin, I don’t hate them for it, I totally genuinely like them! Anyway, today, a miracle happened. I purchased the cool pants that EVERYONE in the office is wearing. I really feel like things are looking up, and changing for me. Also, might I add that they are a SIZE 30! I’m not wearing them like normal people do, at their waists, I’m only wearing them underneath my gluge, tire, stomach – whatever you want to call it, but I call it gluge. But, they still go up, and they fit. While trying my awesome pants  on with Lucinda  and Lolo Returners this afternoon, they both looked at me puzzled, and asked why I put my pants on without undoing the zipper and the button? I thought to myself “this is a strange question to ask, isn’t this the way pants are supposed to be put on?”. I realized, that my entire life, jeans have been a struggle and I’ve never been able to zip them up without doing the squiggly wiggly worm dance. I guess now, that I’m halfway to my goal weight, I can start zipping up pants like a normal young lady.

100 Posts


Today is my 100th post. I do not weigh 100 pounds. That would be super awesome though. I do however, weigh under 100 kilos and have never felt lighter. I’m so proud of myself.

As I am on a new path, I figured I would take time to communicate with people that I have had a falling out with in the past. I made it a point this week to apologize to all the people that I’ve wronged in my life. The people that I once blamed for my insecurities, the people that stabbed me in the back and I retaliated by posting a not so nice blog about them. All but one accepted what I have to say. To be honest with you, the people that listened, were the only people that mattered. From all those people who listened to what I had to say, and apologized for their actions in return, I thank you. It shows loyalty and maturity, and shows me hope that there is such a thing as decent people in this world.

I have never been in such a great place in my life, and I am so lucky to have such wonderful people around me, helping me and wanting to see me succeed. Being honest about my surgery, and letting everyone know, made me feel a lot better about everything, and I find that I now have an amazing support system around me. At the beginning of all of this, I was contemplating keeping this surgery to myself, and not letting anyone know. What’s the point in lying? Lying clearly didn’t get me far. If you can’t be honest with the world, then you can’t be honest with yourself. Some people may have self esteem issues and be embarrassed of “taking the easy way out”, but personally, I see it as being stronger.For people who have had any type of surgery, be honest with yourself. It feels so liberating to let everyone know what you’re going through.

The love and support that surrounds me is unimaginable!

At this point, nothing can bring me down; and a little piece of advice: jealousy is the ugliest quality one can have.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank everyone who has supported me through this blog, and sent me such positive vibes concerning my weight loss. You truly are the people that matter!