I’m Missing My Chef Hat


There are two things that I really like. Food, and friends. I also really enjoy cooking for friends. Let me get to the point. I like baking. I love standing in my hell hole of a kitchen in my hell hole of an apartment, wearing an apron and chef hat. I bake. I can bake cookies, and muffins, and cakes, and puddings, and everything a fat kid can imagine. I bake deliciously.  When I bake, I feel like a wizard with a caldron. I throw ingredients all over the place, I sing, I splash, I make a mess… I love it! As much as I love the baking process, I don’t  love to eat my baked goods, but I sure do  love to share them. I share them on Instagram and go #hashtag crazy, and I also share them with friends.

I guess in my weight loss journey, if I bake for everyone, and everyone else around me gets a little more juicy and plump, then I’ll look even better even sooner. Calm down everyone, just a joke! I’m losing weight, while baking! Let’s face it, I can’t eat them. As much as I would like to, I am well aware that if I did,  someone would find me shaking on the floor, with my slow beating heat, and chocolate dripping down my face.

Eating cookies and cakes aren’t for me. I enjoy baking, and I find it extremely relaxing. Everyone around me can enjoy my sugary, buttery treats, and I will enjoy my apple.

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Chocolate Cake, Milk Chocolate Icing,  A Crap Ton of M&M’s all surrounded by 12 Kit Kat Bars

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It’s A Girl Cookies! Sugar Cookies. Sugar, Butter (Margarine), Flour, Love, Food Coloring

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Chocolate Cupcakes, Cream Cheese Icing, Sprinkles, Chocolate Chips. Yum .

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Shortbread Cookies With Chocolate Drizzle… low fat chocolate, doesn’t really make a difference at this point.

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#cleaneating


So lately, all I see on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, is people eating “clean” and “healthy”. I really don’t know what this means, but I have a pretty good idea. Clean eating; we should eat and drink windex, mr.clean, vim, right? I get it, no McDonalds, no Wendy’s, basically nothing fried? I kind of want to fit in, so I’m getting really annoying on all social media websites, and adding pictures of everything I eat, and the food I don’t finish. When it comes to taking my instagram shots, no matter the angle, or lighting, somehow my food pictures always manage to look like puke on a plate. However, I’ve managed to go along with the whole clean eating thing, and I can make a bagel and a hard boiled egg look fantastic!  I kind of feel good, and really happy that I’ve gotten through 2 days. I have to say though, I know I should feel great and really happy and more energized, but every time I walk by that unholy vending machine, I just want to stick my hand in and take one of those White Chocolate Kit Kat Bars. I’m still trying to figure out how to walk by it and not get Helga aroused.

I’m not going to lie, I kind of really enjoy packing lunches now. I feel like a Mommy preparing lunches for the kiddies, except it’s me packing my lunch full of snacks and different food merchandise. Healthy eating, and preparing can be a little fun, I guess!

I’m going to try this new fun thing where I add my daily menu to the blog, and see if that helps in motivating me.

Breakfast:

– 1/4 bagel

– 1 hard boiled egg

– 1 pcs. provolone cheese

Snack: (the best part of my day)

– Tuna & Crackers snack pack

Lunch:

– 3 oz. smoked turkey

– 15 almonds

– 1 cucumber

Afternoon Snack: (Second best part of my day)

– Activia Yogurt

– 100 Calorie Pack of Cookies

Dinner: (currently being crocked in the pot)

– meatballs stuffed with an insane amount of spinach in tomato sauce

 

I’m well aware that there’s a lot of food going on here, however, since my weight hadn’t moved in a long time, I decided to switch the diet up a bit to see if anything would change. Obviously the two snacks weren’t the greatest option, however, when I have lunch at 12, it’s easy to get hungry bored during the day. Between 1-5 those are my two snacks. It may be bad, but at least I’m not shoving a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese down my throat.

 

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A Note To Loud Chewers


Dear Loud Chewers of the world,

It’s time I come clean, and stop sitting here in silence and taking this abuse…I’m still not over the whole chewing with your mouth open thing. It’s really bothering me, and has been for the last 25 years of my life. Why is it necessary to chew like a horse, breathe like a behemoth and lick your fingers like curly sue? Actually, you don’t sound or look like curly sue, just a buffalo who’s hungry and has resorted to eating fingers. It’s so ugly! Was I the only one that was brought up to chew quietly and normally. I am not interested in hearing what your loud mouth has to offer. I also, don’t like when you spit your food on me. It’s rude, and impolite, and you should not be marching over to me with a buffet of food in your mouth. I like Niagra Falls, not Foodagra Falls, thank you very much.

If my mom taught me how to chew properly, then you can do it too. I will be giving tutorials, at a low rate of $5 an hour. It’s called Hillarys-School-Of-Learning-To-Chew-With-Your-Gross-Mouth-Closed-School-Of-Etiquette.

Thanks so much, and have a lovely day.

Goodbye.

The Scale: My Hate Relationship


 

 

I’ve stopped my affair with the scale. I don’t understand how one plastic box which displays numbers, can do so much harm! I love that little plastic box, but at the same time I hate it. When my little unpolished toes step on that box of fun, I can’t wait to see the number! Once my eyes set eyes on the scale, and I see that I’ve lost two pounds, my body goes into fat girl mode and decides that it’s time to binge. I know, “two pounds are wonderful, why would you want to sabotage that?”, first of all,  whoever is actually thinking that, you need to seriously shut up- because it’s not like I got on the scale and was all giddy and excited to eat like a fat horse. My plan isn’t to regain everything that I had just lost. I can’t control it. Most of the time when I eat, I’m not hungry. It’s an addiction. Yes, call me crazy, and fat, or just crazy fat but people can be addicted to food! Food is there, so I eat it. You can’t tell an alcohol addicted meth head that they have to stop all their bad habits in an instant. It takes time, and learning. While I know it’s already been seven months since surgery, I still struggle with my addiction, daily. It’s too bad they don’t make rehab for fat people who struggle from food addictions. I strongly believe that people on the outside truly believe that we fat people choose to eat ourselves sick, and to binge eat. It’s not like that, I can promise you that. While I know Hefty Helga has died, part of her still lives on in my mind, and will forever.

It’s so hard to be addicted to something that we are subjected to everyday. We need food to survive, and it’s everywhere I go! No matter how much I try to walk away from food, it surrounds me; whether it comes from passing the vending machine,  or hearing the disgustingly loud people around me chewing like horses etc. I’m supposed to train myself, and to learn that food is for eating, and not an activity to take up when I am bored. Do I really want to be that girl one day who introduces herself and says “Oh Hello, I’m Hillary. Nice to meet you. I’m a professional eater. What do you do?” Like seriously.  As sick as it sounds, sometimes I wish I had another addiction. Maybe being addicted to some of those Breaking Bad drugs wouldn’t be the greatest thing for me, or my teeth, but maybe it would make me forget about food. Food really doesn’t make me feel anything. I used to feel satisfied during and after binge eating, but now I find myself feeling sad, and depressed after I’ve eaten something I know I shouldn’t.

One thing I’ve started doing, is making new friends. I’ve made new friends with my stomach. After I eat something I shouldn’t, I lift up my shirt, and stare at the scars. I look at the scars, which help me in reminding myself how I got here, and what I plan to accomplish. Eating a bag of chips won’t help in shrinking those scars, eating because I’m bored in general won’t help shrink the scars. The only thing that will help shrink the surgery scars, is me. Chips, chocolate, cookies, ice cream etc, are all parts of my life that really have no place there. They are not wanted, and there is no need for it. I’ve told myself so many times; “Eat to live, don’t live to eat”, it’s so easy to say it, but so hard to do.

And for the five hundredth, and hopefully last time, I say this: No More Excuses. I get on the scale, and I be proud that I’ve accomplished a two pound weight loss. I get on that scale, and instead of marching my fat bottom to the fridge, I walk it out the door, and for a walk (not to the ice cream store).

 

Restaurants


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Ok, so it’s a known fact that I love restaurants! Who doesn’t? My mom sometimes, well actually all the time, tells me it’s bad for me to eat at restaurants. While I understand where she’s coming from, and the good she means, I have other views on restaurants. I could be wrong, but if I am, I would like someone to explain to me why they would rather sit at home, (at times alone) in your house, instead of having someone cook for you, clean up after you, give you new silverware after you’re done eating, and then serve you desert? I’m sorry, but eating at restaurants; either a hole in the wall, or a five star just makes me feel like royalty. In my mind, there are pros and cons to eating at restaurants, I will explain my points now.

Pros:

no dishes to clean

– you have a reason to eat with your pants on

– someone serves you

– the food is probably more delicious than you can possibly create on your own, in a matter of 7 minutes.

 

Cons:

you don’t realize what’s going into the food

– You don’t know if someone has peed, spit, left hair or given you chewed up food

– You don’t really realize the amount that you’re eating, because these days restaurants tend to be extremely generous with their portion sizes.

I know that you don’t always realize what goes into your food, but I mean, you can always ask the waiter or waitress to modify an order to be less oily or less saucy. Although, with alterations to your orders, can sometimes come with consequences (please see above, where I mentioned pee in the dish).

My point is, I love restaurants. Always have, and I always will. Just because I step foot into an all you can eat buffet (which I won’t) doesn’t mean I don’t know how to make the right choices.

Word Of Advice: Brown rice is always a healthier choice than white rice.

A Little Bit Of Honesty


I guess I haven’t really been honest in a while. I sit and talk about how difficult it is to lose weight, and how the scale hasn’t moved in a while. I also blast people for accusing me of “taking the easy way out” and to be honest, I’ve been using the surgery as the easy way out for the last little while. At the beginning the pounds would just come shedding off, and then I got used to it. The more used to it I got, the less motivation I had to work out, and eat right. Sounds shocking, I know.I guess I’d figured, like most people who know nothing about the surgery, that I didn’t need to eat right or go to the gym.

 

I stopped posting my monthly weight loss because I’m embarrassed. I stopped posting in general because I haven’t really done anything inspiring or amazing in the last little while. If I’m not honest with myself, then the weight won’t come off! So here’s this weeks honesty:

– I used to do Crossfit once a week. My excuse that I don’t go more is because it’s too expensive. Truth is, I can easily get a membership to Crossfit. If I subtract two monthly meals at restaurants, that pays for the membership

– I hardly go to the gym anymore. I have the membership. My excuse was that I had my puppy, Genius to go home and take care of, however, now that Ronnie Ginger adopted him back from me, I can go to the gym as much as I want whenever I want.

– I eat all day. Grazing is the biggest problem for me. I need something to do that stimulates me. Instead of eating snacks, and nibbling on my fingers, I need to come up with a new activity to keep me from grazing all day. I’m not hungry, I do it out of pure boredom.

From this point on, I will be completely brutally honest. I know that I can lose the last 40 pounds. It’s up to me to get past my stupid excuses and move on from them. Excuses are what made me fat, and what will keep me fat.

Happy Food Year


So, seeing as my last name is Cohen, I will be participating in the festivities that are jewlidays. Jewlidays consist of an abundance of food, a lot of soda at the table, and just more food, and more desert. So, there are a lot of things that I like about Rosh Hashana, and then a lot of things that I hate. I will start with the ones that I hate.

Things I Dislike:

1) When people stare at me when I eat. I know I could just be crazy, or that people are actually looking at me. Either way, I kind of wish that I could just sit in my own private bubble and not have to deal with anyone watching or looking at me. Or me worrying what people are thinking. I’m sure people are actually just minding their own business, and enjoying their Diet Pepsi, and delicious mouth watering meaty food; but it’s my insecurities that are coming out right now.

2) Diet Coke. It’s always at every square inch of every table at the family dinner. How is it that each special holiday, there’s always that evil bottle of bubbly goodness staring at me in the face? Whatever, I’m going to kick Diet Coke in the fat ass…

3) Food. Food states at me in the face. It sits there and I know that I can’t eat all of it. What ever will I do? Well, I’ll just have a bit of that and a taste of this. But it’s still staring me in the face.

I’ll get to the stuff that I like after tonight’s dinner…