I’m Fat, I’m Fat, Off To The Gym I Go


Ok, so I need to talk about something that I am sure so many people struggle with. How can I still look good while going to the gym? When I workout, I start with beautiful, long non-greased up hair, a beautiful outfit, and pants that cover my gluge* (Gluge is my tire shaped stomach which is usually formed in a gross flabby, very moveable form of stomach). How come, ten minutes into a workout, I look like a sweaty ferocious beast, losing my pants, and struggling to breathe properly. This can’t be right. Sometimes, when I’m sick, I watch the Paid for Programming TV and watch the workouts that the interesting people do. No one on there is sweating. I mean, ok, it’s right for everyone to sweat, but I just look scary. It’s like my gym attire and the aftermath of it all is a permanent Halloween costume. I feel bad for the people around me.

Just last week I moved into a castle. Yes, it really is a castle, no I am not a princess yet. This castle is magnificent and both me and Donald live together- big Stairmaster step for us! Anyway, in our castle, we have such a cute gym, and I absolutely adore it! The other day, during my first workout there, I realized that no one ever comes to visit. At this point, I decided that I wasn’t going to lift my pants every time they fell off my tire, and I wasn’t going to care if my hair looked mediocre. Halfway into my halfassed squat, I looked up to the left of my sweaty ass head, and noticed that there was a security camera staring right at me. Now, going back to the whole castle thing. In my building, we have 24 hour security, and it is a very well respected building. These cameras aren’t fake, and I know that people are watching me. For some reason, I decided that I was going to do my ass-to-mat squat and really do it for real, because I knew I had an audience watching me. I kind of felt like I was on one of those infomercials and people were watching me and learning from me. Although I did look like crap, I looked like crap while acting like a weight lifting champ.

I guess part of me always needs to be “babysat” in a way. I’ll never fully grow up and I love to be watched by the security team. Caramel has a crush on me*, I’m pretty sure- so I want to make sure that I do my bicep curls really well, especially so I don’t embarrass myself.

*(I love Donald, my boyfriend, however I can be flattered when someone has a crush on me. I don’t mean to say that as a bad thing, and I don’t want anyone to get mad at me for saying anything bad about Donald. Kk thanks)

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