Seasonal Complaints


I like to complain. A lot. Mostly about anything, and everything. Today’s complaint, is the weather. I’m not really happy with any kind of weather. I like the summer because it’s hot, and I can get a tan. Black is slimming, so the more I tan, the thinner I look. With summer, there are outdoor patios, going out, swimming pools blah blah, and with all those fun activities come fat girl embarrassments. Outdoor patios are cool, only if the seats I’m sitting on are fabric. I really don’t have a fat ass or anything, but oh em gee, does my bumbum sweat like a fat horse in church. No matter where I go or what I do, I seem to have ass sweat residue on someones leather seats or outdoor chairs. It’s really embarrassing.  I won’t sweat through jeans though, but I don’t like jeans, because it’s a struggle! Swimming pools are cool, as long as there are some bigger, bustier bigger plumper people around. I like pools mostly because in the water, I feel like I’m 100 pounds lighter. If I stand a certain position in the pool I can feel the hip bones in my stomach and I get so excited I can pee. But it’s not nice to pee in peoples pools, so I don’t too excited. Winter is just an evil season that wants to freeze me and kill me and make me unhappy. Winter wants to see me slip and fall and look like an idiot with a runny nose with boogers running into my mouth. I also hate winter because we need to wear winter coats, and winter coats make me look stuffy, and make me look like a stuffed sausage. Spring is nice, I have nothing to complain about. Fall sucks because of Halloween and then it reminds me that I need to wear my winter coat.

Damn, I have problems.

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Let’s Talk About Poop, Baby!


 

 

If you don’t like to poop, talk about poop, hear about poop or poop is just not your topic, then I suggest look away, and ignore this post. I’m going to talk a lot about poop in this post. Regular people poops, my poops. Just poops. Poop. Poop is something that is near and dear to my heart and something that I have learned to love. Poop is something that is very important to me. Not that I’m like a wild behemoth when it comes to going to the bathroom, but since my surgery, it’s something that has become an integral part of my life.  While most girls say they don’t poop, I beg to differ. You’re all a bunch of liars, and I know that most girls, not including myself, are probably animals in the bathroom compared to men. Donald Cho has been my boyfriend for two and a half years, and we’ve been living together for three months, and he has never witnessed or smelled a poopie from me. Unless he has, and he’s just very quiet about it. But I doubt it.  I I have learned the hard way that if you don’t drink a lot of water, or if you don’t drink enough water, then your pleasant behind will not be so pleasant to you. 

Me and my newest sleeve sister Taylor Barnaby were recently discussing what it’s like to be affected by the poopie monster:

TB: What pills are you on post surgery?

HC: Colace, because I have bathroom problems 

TB: Constipation problems? It’s hard to drink enough fluids, seriously, I’m lucky if I get 48 oz. in. 

HC. Life is hard. Pooping sucks

TB: But it’s the best when it’s out…. FREEDOM. The worst is when you know you gotta poop and every time you sit, it’s like someone is poking you in your butthole… too much?

HC: I feel like there’s a monster living inside my bum who doesn’t want to leave. In my mind, it would resemble a sock monkey. 

TB: When I waddle, that’s the worst feeling 

Anyway, I shouldn’t get too graphic, but it is real life, and if you don’t drink enough fluids, then your poopie monster will come out and bite you in the ass (haha, see what I did there?). The poopie-monster does bite, and hurts you and it’s not worth it. So just drink your stupid water and get it over with. Again with the whole water thing. I mean, I’m not a perfect person and I don’t drink my two liters a day.The main reason for me; I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again- is because water is boring. It just tastes like wet air. I’m a very crazy person, and I live a very unboring life. If I don’t drink alcohol, then I at least want to consume a drink which is a little bit fun, and instead I’m stuck with the wet air drink. Crystal Light and all that crap tastes good, but I’m sure it’s not great for you… especially the way I use it. I like it really sweet! 

 

Anyway, I’m pooped.. 

 

Get Me To ONEDERLAND!


It’s been one year since I walked into my doctors office and picked up my nasty two week liquid diet. I was the unhappiest, grouchiest fat girl, and all I wanted was a double bacon cheeseburger. Those were possibly the worst two weeks of my life, because I have never depended on food. Fat Girl Problems, I guess?  I’ve been a little absent this 2014. Truthfully it’s because I’m in a deep deep state of depression. I get that I am pretty, and god only made me fat so that I wouldn’t have it all and make the skinnies jealous. No one can have it all… I’ve been the same weight for the last 5 months and can’t seem to move the scale into onederland. (Onederland is when an overweight person gets out of the ungodly 200 pounds and into the 100’s).

I have never felt more pretty, or better about myself. I fit into a size 31 jeans, I like to look in the mirror and I am comfortable in tight shirts. I’ve given up on leggings and I actually wear things that have zippers and are form fitting. But the scale is my enemy, and I say it everyday. It’s like the number 2 wants to marry me and won’t go away. Doesn’t it understand that nobody likes that number? If I just saw that 1, I know that it would be totally different and I would be motivated to loose the rest of it. I look at old pictures, and I think to myself how did I let myself get that big, I was so unhappy. When I look at the scale, and nothing happens, I get depressed and just feel like I’m going back to that bad bad place- I don’t know what’s going on!

If anyone wants to say nice things to me now to motivate me, now would be the time.

Xo,

200 pounds.

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