Bathing Suit Shopping: A Slow and Painful Death

Trying on bathing suits is not my most favorite of things to do. However, when you’re in Florida, and the sun is shining, and your luggage is lost in some airport in the middle of nowhere, then you really have no choice but to go shopping for those spandex, waterproof full body underwear. It gets a lot easier to shop for things when you keep getting smaller. I find that the smaller I get, the more product there is on the shelf for me to rummage through– lucky me! So anyway, when it comes to me, there’s always an adventure: I’m already frustrated because I had the perfect bathingsuit for the perfect tan line in my lost luggage, I walk into TJ Maxx with the most sour look on my face.

The reasons for my water wear shopping aggravation are:

1) Because I’m cheap and don’t want to spend money on something that I already have
2) because bathing suit shopping is not fun, and I always feel like Pilsbury dough girl.

So after twenty minutes of fighting off some lady who kept taking the good stuff, I found three decent suits. Donald decided to accompany me to the dressing room to be my fashion assistant. I tried on one with like those tears on the side, you know the kind those fit models wear? It looked pretty decent from the top, and then the lower it went, the more I looked like my stomach was trying to escape my body. Next was this decent one that had a zipper up the side, I tried it on inside out and it looked spectacular; that one went in my purchase pile. Last but definitely not least was this marvelous blue strapless one piece. It was made by Spanx, so I knew that everything would be sucked in and I would look wonderful. After ten minutes of struggling to get it on, and breaking a sweat, I walked out of the dressing room, crouching over like a hunchback unable to move my legs or arms. Donald was under the impression that I had fallen to the floor and forgotten how to walk. I looked in the mirror to discover what the problem was. It turns out what I thought was a full piece bathingsuit, was actually just a bottom to a tankini. I tucked everything into that bottom, and with one movement, everything would have been out for the world to see. It did however suck everything in, it’s really too bad it didn’t look good.

Since the bathing suit incident, Donald hasn’t been able to look at me the same way since, I really don’t blame him. I still get the shivers just thinking about it.

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