A Note To Loud Chewers

Dear Loud Chewers of the world,

It’s time I come clean, and stop sitting here in silence and taking this abuse…I’m still not over the whole chewing with your mouth open thing. It’s really bothering me, and has been for the last 25 years of my life. Why is it necessary to chew like a horse, breathe like a behemoth and lick your fingers like curly sue? Actually, you don’t sound or look like curly sue, just a buffalo who’s hungry and has resorted to eating fingers. It’s so ugly! Was I the only one that was brought up to chew quietly and normally. I am not interested in hearing what your loud mouth has to offer. I also, don’t like when you spit your food on me. It’s rude, and impolite, and you should not be marching over to me with a buffet of food in your mouth. I like Niagra Falls, not Foodagra Falls, thank you very much.

If my mom taught me how to chew properly, then you can do it too. I will be giving tutorials, at a low rate of $5 an hour. It’s called Hillarys-School-Of-Learning-To-Chew-With-Your-Gross-Mouth-Closed-School-Of-Etiquette.

Thanks so much, and have a lovely day.


Bite Size Portions


I’m not one for fancy meals. However, I can tell you that I am also not one who enjoys fast food. In the one time that I had a Big Mac, (thanks Holly Netherwood), with every bite I took, I felt as though I was chewing a part of a cows ear. When it comes to fancy restaurants, I like to get dressed up. I must tell you that I am not one of those fancy girls that likes when they serve me the little piece of children’s size fish portion, and a dab of perfectly placed fancy special sauce. What is that? Who actually walks out of these restaurants and says “Oh My God, am I ever full. I am never eating  again”. You’re not full. That’s ridiculous. That’s one bite for a normal person. These meals mostly drive me crazy, because you are forced to eat them throughout an entire hour long meal sitting. One bite sized piece is cold after just five seconds of it being placed in front of you. If I am paying $55 for a hot shrimp, give me a stupid hot shrimp and not a warm shrimp. I’m getting frustrated and hungry all at the same time thinking about this.

I’m thinking all you can eat tonight. Much better than those measly portions. Ew.