First Dates: How I Developed My Pet Name


First dates are both interesting and intimidating. You really need to make a good impression the first time you’re out with a complete stranger. First dates are extremely frightening, especially if you’re going for dinner to a fancy restaurant with a stranger you hardly know. Luckily, I haven’t had to worry about any first dates in a long time, but the last time I went on one, it was quite special.

Let’s just say, Donald has been calling me “Miss I’ll Just Have A Salad Please” since our first date together, which was just over three and a half years ago. Now, there are many reasons why he gave me this nickname. Firstly, on our first date, he took me to a super nice restaurant, one that I would normally only be able to afford while on a Groupon. Let’s just start off by saying, I loved bread and butter. This warm, delicious, smoking bread came to the table with soft butter, and all I wanted to do was shove my face in it and devour it all. I know that first dates really are the first impression, so I didn’t want to come off as a ravenous animal who has never seen bread before. I watched Donald eat the bread, and the while salivating watching him with each bite he took. When it came time to ordering the meal, I undoubtedly did just have a salad. A warm spinach salad to be exact… BARF! What the hell was I thinking? Obviously I didn’t want to go on a date with this guy and be like “Oh hey, I’ll have a AAA Angus Steak with mashed potatoes, and extra melted cheese on top, Oh, and of course a shrimp cocktail to start”. Although, it really was what I wanted, I couldn’t afford an $80 meal, and didn’t want him to think that I was a fat cow. I ate only half of my warm spinach salad, while getting more and more squeamish with each bite. I watched him eat his sausage pasta and was jealous that I made the wrong choice. (Is it normal that I remember what he ate? I must have been starving myself) As soon as I got home, I made myself a nice box of Kraft Dinner, because I was starving… (please keep in mind this was pre-surgery). Thinking back, I wasn’t the skinniest of girls, why would a fat girl go to a nice restaurant and order a warm spinach salad? Obviously he knew the kind of food I was into.. I mean after all, he isn’t stupid! I guess I also ordered the warm leaves because what if he didn’t like me, and walked out, and made up some story like he had to go take his blood sugar and left me with the bill? I had to order the cheapest thing on the menu; especially after he ordered BOTTLED WATER! Who orders bottled water? Not that I’m cheap or anything, actually I am- but tap water is just fine with me and I don’t feel poor asking for it! I know it’s not nice to assume that he was paying for the meal, I guess I’m just old fashioned like that.

Anyway, two months later, or some time after that, he finally asked me if I wanted to be his official girlfriend. I said yes, and then decided it was alright to eat normally. Once he saw me scarf down my first steak, I adopted the name “Miss I’ll Just Have A Salad Please” I told you he was smart!

Now, it’s okay to eat normal in front of each other. With three and a half years of dating, comes comfort. We still haven’t gotten comfortable with going to the bathroom with the door open, but we’re taking baby steps!

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Recipe: Asian Tuna Rice Paper Wrap


Everything tastes better with a little bit of an Asian flare. So I decided to cut the all flour tortillas for a 15 calorie rice paper wrap instead. It kind of tastes like a cheap mans sushi, but it is so damn delish.

What You Will Need:

– 1 can of tuna (I like white, because I’m fancy like that)
– Light Mayonnaise (this is a low fat recipe, but if you need the good fat stuff, you can substitute it)
– 1 green onion
– Black and White sesame seeds
– Chia seeds
– 1 Avocado
– Kale (or any type of lettuce. Kale is in right now and has a good crunch)
– A splash of soy sauce
– Cilantro (optional)

Directions:

1. Mix That Tuna

Drain the tuna, and add in, one tablespoon of light mayonnaise, with chopped up green onion, black and white sesame seeds, chia seeds, a splash of soy sauce and salt and pepper to taste. The green onion is for an extra crunch; alternatively, you can add pickles, cucumbers, or celery.

2. Build The Wrap

The round rice papers are usually easiest for non professional rice paper rollers. It’s taken me a long time to master the art, and I think I’ve finally got it! The first step to your rice paper, is to soak it in hot water for about thirty seconds until it’s mushy. Once done, place this on a flat surface to ensure optimal rolling. For a nice design, lay out the sliced avocado nicely, and place the kale or non fancy lettuce in the middle of the rice paper. Add tuna, and any other ingredients to the wrap. I am obsessed with cilantro, and it’s one of those things that you either love or hate, so add any additional greens or colored vegetables to make it filling and delicious.

3.Wrap The Wrap

Once all your ingredients are in your rice paper roll, lift the edge of the rice paper wrap closest to you, and gently fold it over the entire contents of the wrap. Tuck the filling in to ensure that everything stays wrapped tight. Fold in the ends and then roll it over one last time so it looks like a pretty little rice envelope. Like a tube shaped envelope.

Cut it in half, and post an Instagram of your healthy lunch, then you can dig in and enjoy!

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Fat People Don’t Love All Food


Most ordinary people who don’t know much about anything would think that all fat people like all foods, and that when it comes to overweight people and dietary restrictions, there are none. Well I’m here to tell you, that as an average overweight person, I do not like all foods. My list of foods that I like is long, but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum.

Cheese:

Cheese is probably the most amazing gift from the cow gods. I’m pretty sure from what I’ve been told, that cheese is just rotten milk, but it tastes delicious. Now, while cheese may be yummy, I’m very particular about them. I know, how weird!… A fat person is particular about a type of food they like? I like all hard cheeses, as long as they’re not stinky. Really old cheddar and smoked gouda are my favorite. My mom used to buy smoked gouda when we were kids. It was a reward to get it, and I’d really have to work hard to get a piece; just one. That was until, I learned where the cheese drawer was and started eating an entire pack of cheese like a bag of chips. After Ronnie Ginger, my loving mother found out that I knew where the cheese stash was, it was over. The good expensive cheese stopped entering the house from that day. I was stuck with that “light” Kraft “cheese”… or should I say, Kraft plastic? Also, melted cheeses are so good. Like in a lasagna, when the mozzarella becomes ooey gooey… that’s pretty good. On to what I don’t like in the cheese category- I’m not one for stinky soft cheeses, or soft cheese in general. If I ever smelled a donkeys butt hole, I’d assume it smells like Blue Cheese, that stuff smells gross and why anybody would want to eat food the color of the rainbow really boggles my mind. I know it’s really in right now to like Brie and that Camembert stuff, but I just can’t. The smell reminds me of my locker in high school and it just brings back terrible memories for me.

Meat:

I love meat. Red meat. I like my meat rare. Obviously I’m not into eating my meatballs rare, but I totally adore some nice fancy meat once in a while. (When I say I like it, I like it, but I can only have about four bites until my stomach can’t take it anymore) Anyway, being Jewish, at most of our family holiday events, there’s always CHOPPED LIVER. I hate it! I can’t stand the sight of it, the smell of it, anything about it. To me it just looks like a bowl of mushed up poop and smells like it too. Sometimes Donald thinks it’s funny to breathe on me after he eats it. It’s an instant appetite decreaser for me! Also, ham and I don’t get along that great. I’m not sure if this fits in to the meat category, but whatever. I always loved Charlottes Web, and the thought of eating a sweet little pig really haunts my dreams… I do like bacon though. I swear I’m not a hypocrite.

Breads & Carbs:

Ever since I had my gallbladder surgery, for some reason, I can’t eat certain bread anymore. It’s like the surgeon gave me the gift of not being able to tolerate the things that are bad for me! Baguette is buttery goodness, but I have since had to say goodbye to it, along with the healthy flax seed bread, and any type of sandwich bread. For some reason though, croissants go down just fine; which for me I find unfortunate. Buuuut fortunately for me, I can only have 1/4 of it until I’m full. Those buttery delights are also murderous tasty treats. I’m not really one for chips. I find that they’re messy, and since I stain a lot of my clothes, I don’t find it worth it to eat chips unless I have a Tide-To-Go handy! Pasta and me no longer get along. Which, to be honest, doesn’t really bother me all that much, because it’s just a space waster in my stomach and I only made pasta when I was lazy.

Candies:

I LOVE CANDIES! I LOVE HALLOWEEN. I LOVE THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN WHEN EVERYTHING IS HALF PRICE. Candy doesn’t like me though. The second I eat a piece of candy, it goes straight to my triple chin and I’m just a sweaty hot mess. I made a promise to myself that I would not have a single candy before my birthday. So far, I’ve broken that promise twice. However, on a more positive note, I’m starting again tonight. I usually only like orange flavored candy, and mostly anything citrusy, or chocolatey. I hate black licorice, and cherry flavored snacks. But that’s about it!

Until then, I’ll keep working on the list of foods I don’t like!

I Have Been Blessed


Not only was I blessed with the wonderful gift of obesity, but I was also blessed with the gift of hair. No, not hair on my head, because I’m balding like a newborn baby- but blessed with an obscene amount of body hair. I’m like some monster that you see on Guinness World of Records in the “World’s Most Hairiest” Category. Seriously, if it was possible to donate arm hair to locks of love, I definitely would get in on that. Why wouldn’t I want to share the wealth? My eyebrows are a completely different story. They grow fast like they’re running away from my face. The ladies that thread them always have to fight about who does me because it takes four times the time and an entire roll of thread. I always leave there with a beard because there’s no room for the eyebrow hair on the floor that it falls all over my face, and I begin to look like my Middle Eastern biological father. Aside from my bushy eyebrows, and hairy arms, the worst thing is the fact that I need to wear moomoo skirts and pregnancy dresses all summer because it’s hard to keep up with my eight-foot-long stubbly limbs. If you’re grossed out by body hair, please stop reading here, because this is about to get real. First of all, I’m a giant, and I’m lazy, and cropping the corn fields growing on my legs daily is a lot of work. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off not trimming my cactus legs and just deal with Donald calling me “Fluffy Bottom” for the rest of my life. True story, my boyfriend calls me fluffy bottom when my legs feel like cactus plants. Come to think of it, why is it okay for boys to be un-groomed and walk around like gorillas all day? How did men get that privilege.

I guess it’s fine though, when I get the energy to tackle my stilts, I love the feeling, I just won’t be getting to that tonight…or tomorrow!

Bathing Suit Shopping: A Slow and Painful Death


Trying on bathing suits is not my most favorite of things to do. However, when you’re in Florida, and the sun is shining, and your luggage is lost in some airport in the middle of nowhere, then you really have no choice but to go shopping for those spandex, waterproof full body underwear. It gets a lot easier to shop for things when you keep getting smaller. I find that the smaller I get, the more product there is on the shelf for me to rummage through– lucky me! So anyway, when it comes to me, there’s always an adventure: I’m already frustrated because I had the perfect bathingsuit for the perfect tan line in my lost luggage, I walk into TJ Maxx with the most sour look on my face.

The reasons for my water wear shopping aggravation are:

1) Because I’m cheap and don’t want to spend money on something that I already have
and
2) because bathing suit shopping is not fun, and I always feel like Pilsbury dough girl.

So after twenty minutes of fighting off some lady who kept taking the good stuff, I found three decent suits. Donald decided to accompany me to the dressing room to be my fashion assistant. I tried on one with like those tears on the side, you know the kind those fit models wear? It looked pretty decent from the top, and then the lower it went, the more I looked like my stomach was trying to escape my body. Next was this decent one that had a zipper up the side, I tried it on inside out and it looked spectacular; that one went in my purchase pile. Last but definitely not least was this marvelous blue strapless one piece. It was made by Spanx, so I knew that everything would be sucked in and I would look wonderful. After ten minutes of struggling to get it on, and breaking a sweat, I walked out of the dressing room, crouching over like a hunchback unable to move my legs or arms. Donald was under the impression that I had fallen to the floor and forgotten how to walk. I looked in the mirror to discover what the problem was. It turns out what I thought was a full piece bathingsuit, was actually just a bottom to a tankini. I tucked everything into that bottom, and with one movement, everything would have been out for the world to see. It did however suck everything in, it’s really too bad it didn’t look good.

Since the bathing suit incident, Donald hasn’t been able to look at me the same way since, I really don’t blame him. I still get the shivers just thinking about it.

Everything Is Bad For Me


My life has been spectacular these last couple of weeks! Donald and I took a vacation to Florida two weeks ago. I’m now black, and I must say, it’s extremely slimming. It sucks though because I know I can’t tan every day. I mean, I could always try and find a job selling beach chairs and digging umbrellas in the sand on some private island for fancy tourists, but that’s manual labor, and manual labor and I don’t really mix well together.

Why is it that everything I like doing is bad for me? Food makes me fat, suntanning with oil and Coca-Cola all over my body will cause skin cancer. It’s like I don’t like anything that’s good for me…except pickles. Pickles are amazing snacks.. but now that I think of it, I think they’re really high in sodium and probably bad for me too. So, my weight loss stall has stopped, and things are moving again! In this last month, I have gone down like three cheek sizes on my face, and lost another chin. Ronnie Ginger, my non-abusive-very-loving-but-extremely-critical-mother finally notices a change and tells me every time she sees me that I’m changing and that I’m so pretty! I’ve been talking to myself a lot lately. I remind myself that the candies which are at me straight in the face are dumb and will make my teeth yellow and stomach fat. Now, when I sit in the car, my stomach doesn’t really go anywhere near the steering wheel for the first time in a long time I could see more toes than ever when I look down! I’ve also banned myself from the scale. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m afraid to see what the number is, or because if I get on the scale and lose, I know I’ll treat myself to a cheat day, that will turn into a cheat week, that will turn into fat cheeks and a triple chin. Either way, I know that the scale is not my friend and the only person that can weigh me is my doctor. The scale is evil, not nice.

Life is good, things are looking up, and the scale is going down!

Eff The Scale


I’ve come to the conclusion that the scale is a big fat bully. This stupid, glass, square shaped ass looks at me every time I pee and just wants me to stand on it and upset me.  Donald bought this super fancy one that tells you you’re fat, tells you how much oxygen you have, and then sends a notification to your phone reminding you how fat you are. First of all, once I get on the scale, that’s enough, I don’t need to get a little reminder with that number on my phone! How rude… Oxygen? Really?…I’m fine! 

 

So, I started this new thing and I’ve been doing it for about a week and it’s magical! I’ve started to measure my weight loss in the form of compliments rather than in the form of a stupid number. This past week, I have had one person say “I can’t believe what you look like today compared to what you used to look like“, ( I mean, I know I look a lot better, but I was never so hideous you couldn’t look at me!) for that compliment, I will take off 2.1 pounds. Then two days later, someone else said how thin my face got- another pound there! Measurements in compliments is way more effective than getting on some stupid box. By the way scale making people, perhaps you should make a scale that gives you compliments like; ” Good Morning Beautiful” or “You Look Nice Today”, what’s the point of these mean numbers anyway?

So from now on, I will keep eating my vegetables, and all you nice friendly people around me can keep the nice comments coming… I’m listening!!