Nothing Fits Me


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Remember in Mean Girls, when nothing fit Regina because she was like so fat? Well, the opposite has happened to me HALLELUJAH!!!  I tried on a pair of my old jeans today, and I was swimming in them. The hoarder in me wants to keep them, because they’re brand name, but the smart girl in me is telling me that it’s best to get rid of them, because I never want to be that size again. So like, I’m in a really tough place right now. Also, I haven’t been able to see the floor of my closet since I moved into my own apartment in November; maybe I should reconsider throwing out all of my fat clothes. Someone help me!!!!

For the last month, I’ve been living off leggings. The same thing I was wearing each and everyday when I was a Hefty Helga. Not to sound crazy cocky or anything, but I have amazing legs, and leggings just happen to show off the one thing that I’ve got! 

I currently work in the fashion industry with people who are toothpick thin, I don’t hate them for it, I totally genuinely like them! Anyway, today, a miracle happened. I purchased the cool pants that EVERYONE in the office is wearing. I really feel like things are looking up, and changing for me. Also, might I add that they are a SIZE 30! I’m not wearing them like normal people do, at their waists, I’m only wearing them underneath my gluge, tire, stomach – whatever you want to call it, but I call it gluge. But, they still go up, and they fit. While trying my awesome pants  on with Lucinda  and Lolo Returners this afternoon, they both looked at me puzzled, and asked why I put my pants on without undoing the zipper and the button? I thought to myself “this is a strange question to ask, isn’t this the way pants are supposed to be put on?”. I realized, that my entire life, jeans have been a struggle and I’ve never been able to zip them up without doing the squiggly wiggly worm dance. I guess now, that I’m halfway to my goal weight, I can start zipping up pants like a normal young lady.

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A Note To Skinny Girls


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Dear Young Skinny Children of Elementary School,

Be nice to the awkward funny fat kid. If not, your life will be hell. If you think calling that plump little girl or boy some sort of disease, or feel like making fun of them to make you feel better about yourself, shut up, turn around and stop. Fat people are just like you, fat people have feelings too. Don’t sit there and make fun of an innocent little fat kid just because you want to feel better about yourself. Just because you’re having a terrible time at home, and you’re the outcast of your own family, doesn’t mean you need to take it to the playground and put it on someone else.

In elementary school, specifically grade two, I remember that shorter “friend”, who decided it would be nice to make “Helga**Germs” a trending topic around school. Are you serious you shrimp, just because you’re three feet tall, you’re going to take out your anger on the girl who’s ten times prettier than you’ll ever be? Look at you now,  and now look back at me… I’m happy, you’re in the same sad place you were years ago. Also, I would really appreciate it if you gave me back my play-doh you stole from my desk in grade 4. I know it was you, your eye does this wonky thing when you lie.

Skinny children everywhere, listen to my inspirational words. Don’t make fun of those fat awkward kids, they’re going to be your bosses in twenty years from now.

Signed,

Getting there skinny girl