Fake Face



Sometimes, when I get bored, I like to sit and Facestalk people. Today, it got so bad to the point that I had to stalk myself. As I’m sitting in my 0.5 square food cubicle, I decided I  was going to go through old Facebook pictures trying to locate a disturbingly ugly one of me, fat and all. I want this picture so I can get a better Before & After picture. Now, because I decided to only post the good pictures, it’s just boring and nothing with huge chipmunk cheeks. However, as my luck usually has it, I was unable to find anything remotely fat or ugly. What’s that all about?

Helga; fat me, in the past, decided to only take pictures from high up, or pictures with half my body missing. Facebook is like magic, it’s amazing how I could weigh almost 250 pounds, and look as though I’m only 170!


A) I was an amazing photographer

B)Facebook takes off 80 pounds Or…

C) I was just in denial and had to take 300 pictures in order to just get one decent one.

For all my pleasantly plump chunky friends, the answer is C. We all do it, don’t be ashamed. Whatever, I guess. No one is going to put up a picture on Facebook where there’s rolls galore or unplucked eyebrows, or just anything ugly. How stupid can you be? The really ugly ones will just post a picture of them from 1000 feet in the air so you’d actually think they’re only like 98 pounds!

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this. Maybe it’s time I put up a makeup less picture from a straight on angle!


My Mama Always Told Me

Growing up, my mama always told me “Fat girls only buy shoes and purses”. My mom is always right. I have a TON of purses, and a crazy amount of shoes. I do this thing though where I abuse the hell out of a pair of shoes that I like at the moment. I wear them for like a month, and then my relationship with the shoes is over. I don’t throw them out. We all know I have a hoarding problem. I still have a pair of knee high boots with a broken heel in my entrance. I like to tell myself I’m just making a fashion statement. Donald Chow got me this AMAZING Michael Kors bag last year, only thing was, it was a white bag. We all know how I am with staining myself. Anyway, I am so proud to say that I only stained this bag once, and cleaned it right away! Donald was so proud of me!

On another note,I’ve had this friend Rhoda Clarice Greenberg Adams  since I was born. Well, since I was like two, I think. She’s so nice, and always encouraging me to write new blog posts. Rhoda Clarice is not like Barb, in fact she’s quite special, she always makes me feel special at work, and not like one of the fat kids who works with all the skinny girls at a fashion company plump girls. Her daughter Sarah Gillian is going to grow up and be beautiful like me some day. She’ll buy lots of clothes though, not purses and shoes.

Holy Leggings!!



Seeing as a fat plump girls best friend are her leggings, I am proud to say that I own a WHOPPING ELEVEN PAIRS. Not much, I know, I threw out seventeen earlier this year. Eleven and seventeen is twenty-eight, I’m a hoarder. Anyway, the reason why I threw them out is because my mommy made me! No, I lied, she didn’t… however, she did hint that I should get rid of them.  How is it that I could have the worlds skinniest legs and prettiest face, and still have the most holes in my pants between the leg area. Is it just me that has that problem? I do not find it necessary to buy $1000 yoga pants with a glare just so that I don’t get holes in my leggings, I want Forever 21 $5.50 leggings that don’t get holes! Is that too much to ask for! Does Barb have the same struggles I do?