To My Grandma


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On November 5th 2014,  I suffered a great loss. My wonderful, amazing, beautiful grandmother passed away. My grandmother,  was my best friend, and someone who I spoke to everyday. Being the oldest grandchild, I knew I was lucky to have both my grandparents at 26, so I made sure to speak to her everyday, sometimes even twice a day. I knew that I wouldn’t have them forever, so I made sure to speak to them as much as I could. She would never let me speak to my grandfather, because she wanted me all to herself. My Grammy made it a point to judge, criticize, and comment when necessary, and she really had no filter; but I loved every moment of it! It feels so weird not to be able to call her anymore, this is the longest we’ve gone without speaking.

In the end, my grammy had a very weak heart, and she was in so much pain, but was too proud to say anything. Grammy was such a fighter and really wanted to live forever. Her heart was too weak and was not able to handle all the love she had for all her kids, grandkids and her soulmate- my Papakins!

Aside from Donald, and Mommy Ginger, my Grammy was the one person who really helped me stay on track with my weight loss and who pushed me to succeed. She knew as well as anyone, that my biggest fight was to get under 200 pounds. This is something that  I have been struggling with for the last 15 years of my life. For the last 6 months I have bounced near ONEDERLAND, but was never able to actually make it. My weight loss for the last two months has gone from 215.3 to 205.7 to 202.4 to 201.3 to 200.6 to 200.3. On the morning of November 5 2014, the day my grandma left us, I suffered not only one great loss, but two.  I got on the scale, because I felt a change within myself… to my surprise, the scale had shown me something I haven’t seen in a decade and a half… a ONE, on the scale. I got on and weighed 199.2….WITH CLOTHES! This may be so little to most people, this is something extremely huge for me, and is such a milestone in my life.

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While I know my Grammy is no longer with us in person, she is definitely with me in spirit. I don’t think I could have ever done this without her. I think that was her way of telling me that she is still here and watching over me. I never believed in that kind of stuff, but to me, it doesn’t seem like a coincidence.

Grandma, wherever you are, know that I love you, and I think about you everyday. Thank you for helping me succeed, and making me who I am today. I couldn’t have done it without you. I will never stop thinking about you, and I thank you for watching over us.

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First Dates: How I Developed My Pet Name


First dates are both interesting and intimidating. You really need to make a good impression the first time you’re out with a complete stranger. First dates are extremely frightening, especially if you’re going for dinner to a fancy restaurant with a stranger you hardly know. Luckily, I haven’t had to worry about any first dates in a long time, but the last time I went on one, it was quite special.

Let’s just say, Donald has been calling me “Miss I’ll Just Have A Salad Please” since our first date together, which was just over three and a half years ago. Now, there are many reasons why he gave me this nickname. Firstly, on our first date, he took me to a super nice restaurant, one that I would normally only be able to afford while on a Groupon. Let’s just start off by saying, I loved bread and butter. This warm, delicious, smoking bread came to the table with soft butter, and all I wanted to do was shove my face in it and devour it all. I know that first dates really are the first impression, so I didn’t want to come off as a ravenous animal who has never seen bread before. I watched Donald eat the bread, and the while salivating watching him with each bite he took. When it came time to ordering the meal, I undoubtedly did just have a salad. A warm spinach salad to be exact… BARF! What the hell was I thinking? Obviously I didn’t want to go on a date with this guy and be like “Oh hey, I’ll have a AAA Angus Steak with mashed potatoes, and extra melted cheese on top, Oh, and of course a shrimp cocktail to start”. Although, it really was what I wanted, I couldn’t afford an $80 meal, and didn’t want him to think that I was a fat cow. I ate only half of my warm spinach salad, while getting more and more squeamish with each bite. I watched him eat his sausage pasta and was jealous that I made the wrong choice. (Is it normal that I remember what he ate? I must have been starving myself) As soon as I got home, I made myself a nice box of Kraft Dinner, because I was starving… (please keep in mind this was pre-surgery). Thinking back, I wasn’t the skinniest of girls, why would a fat girl go to a nice restaurant and order a warm spinach salad? Obviously he knew the kind of food I was into.. I mean after all, he isn’t stupid! I guess I also ordered the warm leaves because what if he didn’t like me, and walked out, and made up some story like he had to go take his blood sugar and left me with the bill? I had to order the cheapest thing on the menu; especially after he ordered BOTTLED WATER! Who orders bottled water? Not that I’m cheap or anything, actually I am- but tap water is just fine with me and I don’t feel poor asking for it! I know it’s not nice to assume that he was paying for the meal, I guess I’m just old fashioned like that.

Anyway, two months later, or some time after that, he finally asked me if I wanted to be his official girlfriend. I said yes, and then decided it was alright to eat normally. Once he saw me scarf down my first steak, I adopted the name “Miss I’ll Just Have A Salad Please” I told you he was smart!

Now, it’s okay to eat normal in front of each other. With three and a half years of dating, comes comfort. We still haven’t gotten comfortable with going to the bathroom with the door open, but we’re taking baby steps!

Fat People Don’t Love All Food


Most ordinary people who don’t know much about anything would think that all fat people like all foods, and that when it comes to overweight people and dietary restrictions, there are none. Well I’m here to tell you, that as an average overweight person, I do not like all foods. My list of foods that I like is long, but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum.

Cheese:

Cheese is probably the most amazing gift from the cow gods. I’m pretty sure from what I’ve been told, that cheese is just rotten milk, but it tastes delicious. Now, while cheese may be yummy, I’m very particular about them. I know, how weird!… A fat person is particular about a type of food they like? I like all hard cheeses, as long as they’re not stinky. Really old cheddar and smoked gouda are my favorite. My mom used to buy smoked gouda when we were kids. It was a reward to get it, and I’d really have to work hard to get a piece; just one. That was until, I learned where the cheese drawer was and started eating an entire pack of cheese like a bag of chips. After Ronnie Ginger, my loving mother found out that I knew where the cheese stash was, it was over. The good expensive cheese stopped entering the house from that day. I was stuck with that “light” Kraft “cheese”… or should I say, Kraft plastic? Also, melted cheeses are so good. Like in a lasagna, when the mozzarella becomes ooey gooey… that’s pretty good. On to what I don’t like in the cheese category- I’m not one for stinky soft cheeses, or soft cheese in general. If I ever smelled a donkeys butt hole, I’d assume it smells like Blue Cheese, that stuff smells gross and why anybody would want to eat food the color of the rainbow really boggles my mind. I know it’s really in right now to like Brie and that Camembert stuff, but I just can’t. The smell reminds me of my locker in high school and it just brings back terrible memories for me.

Meat:

I love meat. Red meat. I like my meat rare. Obviously I’m not into eating my meatballs rare, but I totally adore some nice fancy meat once in a while. (When I say I like it, I like it, but I can only have about four bites until my stomach can’t take it anymore) Anyway, being Jewish, at most of our family holiday events, there’s always CHOPPED LIVER. I hate it! I can’t stand the sight of it, the smell of it, anything about it. To me it just looks like a bowl of mushed up poop and smells like it too. Sometimes Donald thinks it’s funny to breathe on me after he eats it. It’s an instant appetite decreaser for me! Also, ham and I don’t get along that great. I’m not sure if this fits in to the meat category, but whatever. I always loved Charlottes Web, and the thought of eating a sweet little pig really haunts my dreams… I do like bacon though. I swear I’m not a hypocrite.

Breads & Carbs:

Ever since I had my gallbladder surgery, for some reason, I can’t eat certain bread anymore. It’s like the surgeon gave me the gift of not being able to tolerate the things that are bad for me! Baguette is buttery goodness, but I have since had to say goodbye to it, along with the healthy flax seed bread, and any type of sandwich bread. For some reason though, croissants go down just fine; which for me I find unfortunate. Buuuut fortunately for me, I can only have 1/4 of it until I’m full. Those buttery delights are also murderous tasty treats. I’m not really one for chips. I find that they’re messy, and since I stain a lot of my clothes, I don’t find it worth it to eat chips unless I have a Tide-To-Go handy! Pasta and me no longer get along. Which, to be honest, doesn’t really bother me all that much, because it’s just a space waster in my stomach and I only made pasta when I was lazy.

Candies:

I LOVE CANDIES! I LOVE HALLOWEEN. I LOVE THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN WHEN EVERYTHING IS HALF PRICE. Candy doesn’t like me though. The second I eat a piece of candy, it goes straight to my triple chin and I’m just a sweaty hot mess. I made a promise to myself that I would not have a single candy before my birthday. So far, I’ve broken that promise twice. However, on a more positive note, I’m starting again tonight. I usually only like orange flavored candy, and mostly anything citrusy, or chocolatey. I hate black licorice, and cherry flavored snacks. But that’s about it!

Until then, I’ll keep working on the list of foods I don’t like!

It’s 10:00 AM And I Finished All My Snacks


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Anyone who knows me, knows that I like snacks. I am a snack queen, and I can snack all day. Some may diagnose me with grazing disorder, but I just think of myself as a hungry horse. Kidding, now is not the time to make fun of me, but I do like snacks.

Snacks come in all shapes, forms, tastes, colors and sizes. Due to the fact that my stomach is the size of a banana, large snacks don’t quite do it for me anymore. I have found that apples are not my friend, because they burn going down, and then just sit in my stomach like an unborn apple baby. Carrots aren’t good with me either. I’m mostly good with almonds and cheeses. I love cheese, don’t get me started on cheese. I like all cheese except for the stinky ones. Once it gets too smelly or mushy, it makes me really uncomfortable and I’m just off wanting cheese.

Enough about cheese, and more about me. I don’t know what’s happened, or why it’s happened. If I am bored at work, or if I am just bored in my brain, but when it comes to the morning, I need a snack every 30 minutes. I am always hungry. Of course, once I eat, the feeling goes away… I know all the doctors and nutitionists say that drinking water will make you feel less hungry. Can someone make water taste less boring? For all you nature people who are about to tell me how great water is for you, and all the nutirents blah blah, I already know these things. I’ve been home sick many times this year, and Dr. OZ has told me all about it. Water bores me. It tastes like wet air. When someone forces me to do something, I’ll do the exact opposite. I still haven’t gone back to Diet Pepsi which is my ex bff, but whatever.

Anyway, it’s early, I’m out of snacks, and now I have to deal with it. The vending machine man won’t be back today to feed me treats. I definitely don’t need any more of those.

 

Thank You For Your Criticism


I would just like to take a post to be clear with everyone about my blog. My entire life, I was fat. I never got to experience the joys of feeling good about myself, and I never once got to feel like I loved myself. Excuse me for once in my life thinking of myself as “the skinnier girl” or feeling like “the skinny girl”. I appreciate everyones support in reading my blog, but to be honest, if you don’t like what I have to say, no one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to read this. One thing I have learned from the blogging world, is that the more attraction your blog gets, the more people will have things to say. So be it. Say what you want. Thanks for reading though.

For the first time in my life, I am happy. Even if I stay the weight I am at now, I will be happy. This is the healthiest I can ever remember myself, and I love myself. Did you hear that? Should I repeat myself? I LOVE MYSELF. I love the support from everyone around me. My relationships with friends and family, especially my mom, is better than it’s ever been. I finally gained the confidence to tell the bullies and the bi#$s exactly how I felt. I finally have the confidence to walk around in hot pink pants and not feel like everyone is staring at me. I finally have the confidence to hold my head high and feel proud of the person I have become.

This blog is my journey through weight loss. My stories, my experiences. I have been through so much being the fat girl, that I am entitled to call myself a former fat girl, or a soon to be skinny girl. I am entitled to make fun of myself, and if that offends anyone, I don’t apologize, because this is my forum. I don’t need to change the way I write for anyone. I shouldn’t feel ashamed to say how I feel, and I certainly shouldn’t hide how people tortured me. Yes, here and there I may make fun of fat girls, and skinny girls, but to be honest, we need to stop taking things so seriously. This blog is not to make anyone hate themselves, and certainly not to make anyone hate me.

Find yourself, and love yourself. Period.

100 Posts


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Today is my 100th post. I do not weigh 100 pounds. That would be super awesome though. I do however, weigh under 100 kilos and have never felt lighter. I’m so proud of myself.

As I am on a new path, I figured I would take time to communicate with people that I have had a falling out with in the past. I made it a point this week to apologize to all the people that I’ve wronged in my life. The people that I once blamed for my insecurities, the people that stabbed me in the back and I retaliated by posting a not so nice blog about them. All but one accepted what I have to say. To be honest with you, the people that listened, were the only people that mattered. From all those people who listened to what I had to say, and apologized for their actions in return, I thank you. It shows loyalty and maturity, and shows me hope that there is such a thing as decent people in this world.

I have never been in such a great place in my life, and I am so lucky to have such wonderful people around me, helping me and wanting to see me succeed. Being honest about my surgery, and letting everyone know, made me feel a lot better about everything, and I find that I now have an amazing support system around me. At the beginning of all of this, I was contemplating keeping this surgery to myself, and not letting anyone know. What’s the point in lying? Lying clearly didn’t get me far. If you can’t be honest with the world, then you can’t be honest with yourself. Some people may have self esteem issues and be embarrassed of “taking the easy way out”, but personally, I see it as being stronger.For people who have had any type of surgery, be honest with yourself. It feels so liberating to let everyone know what you’re going through.

The love and support that surrounds me is unimaginable!

At this point, nothing can bring me down; and a little piece of advice: jealousy is the ugliest quality one can have.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank everyone who has supported me through this blog, and sent me such positive vibes concerning my weight loss. You truly are the people that matter!

My Resolution


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My New Years Eve was pretty awesome, I spent it with Margaret Steinberg, Donald Chow and Donovan Morganstein. We went for some fresh cow, I had french fries, because it’s new years, and I want to celebrate in style. We went back to their house, and we had some delicious cookies, macaroons, and Barb’s homemade cupcakes. I had no idea she sold her baked goods to Costco. Good for her! I wish I had that kind of talent. Since it’s New Years, I decided that I should make a New Years Resolution Post. My Blog is pretty much a rant about how much I hate skinny people. Which isn’t nice because I’m sure they have fatter bigger issues than I do. My only issue is looking like the Michelin Man. Behind all the belly shirts, short shorts and perfect hair, I’m sure there’s a sad sad person. Obviously, it’s January 2nd, so here I am with my New Years Resolution. Everyone needs to have one. Instead of making it, I want to be skinny, I want to lose weight, I want to go to the gym, I want to get engaged blah blah blah, instead, I would like to be the girl that fat girls blog about. I want people to hate me for feeling perfect, and walking with pride and being happy all the time. That’s my resolution. If all the other things come with it, then I’ll be a happy little chipmunk.