Morning Hikes


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This weekend, my lovely amazing boyfriend thought it would be a marvelous idea to go take a hike in our backyard. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. We seriously have a mountain trail for walking, (which I think is mostly up hill) in our backyard. So we went for an effing hike. My walk started off terribly. Some skinny, older lady, around 50, with bushy eyebrows, gave us two fatties a face like “really, you think you’re going to walk all this? Please go home” and then she started doing this stupid stretch, from that point  her face just really bothered me and I didn’t want to be anywhere near her. While she was still stretching at the bottom of the hill and me and Donald decided to start our adventurous walk. This workout started off with an abundance of stairs, followed by a ten minute uphill climb. I was ready to go home after my first asthma attack, but Donald suggested that we keep going. As we’re walking, bushy eyebrow lady decides to walk ahead of us to make us feel even fatter. I know it was intentional, because she gave us a stupid face as she walked by. Seriously Greta, I don’t need your stares, I get enough of those from my mom (love you Mama Bear). So, at this point, I’m pissed off, and I just want to find a bench and sit-for a long time. Sitting is one of my favorite pastimes, especially in public places, because I absolutely adore people watching. After sitting down for about thirty seconds,  I looked down at my fat stomach, and told myself that I don’t want to wear Spanx for the rest of my life, so I’m going to need to keep on going. 40 minutes later, we had finally made it, and with our beautiful walk, we had the most beautiful view of our city! It was only fitting to act like tourists and take some selfies while we were at it!

 

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Beautiful view of our beautiful city Montreal

 

After we had finished our photo shoot, I was so excited to get home, and to get into a shower and do nothing for the rest of the day. Donald, my amazingly, surprising fantastic boyfriend tells me that we’re only halfway there, and we have 1.3 kilometers to go. I told him he was funny and then started to walk home. He gave me the same face as Greta gave me an hour earlier. I then chased a squirrel, and proceeded to fake my second asthma attack. It didn’t work. We trekked up, and I literally counted every single one of my steps, counting down until it was over. My walking companion was fantastic, but honestly, the amount of fit people that I saw there, made me sick and really uncomfortable. Also, it was like -10, I was wearing a blanket and I was sweating like a horse. Do horses sweat? I don’t know, but if they did, I was sweating like one.  After another half hour, we FINALLY made it to the top of the mountain. Two Jews, on Easter checking out a huge Cross at the top of Montreal, that’s what we did this weekend!

When it came time to go home and we started our walk down the hill, I was already two snacks overdue, and I saw some people BBQ’ing. Donald told me it wasn’t right to walk over and ask for some hot dogs.

The rest of the way home, I complained of a backache, only because I wanted a massage, but D wouldn’t give in. Rude. I’m just happy we completed the whole thing. I would have been a lot more depressed if I would have sat on a bench all morning.

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Valentines Day Comes Once A Year


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So Valentines Day just passed. I had the most amazing day! It started at 7:00 AM, Donald and I both woke up, and before brushing our teeth, we exchanged our gifts. We should have brushed our teeth, it’s hard giving/accepting gifts with bad breath. Donald was so generous and I am a lucky girl to have him!  So after our amazing present session, we had coffee together, and then he brought me to work. I spent the entire day at work planning what we would eat for dinner. I finally decided to kill some lobster for dinner. I’ve only ever cooked a lobster once, and I usually name them before I kill them (RIP Libby the Lobster) Anyway, I got ready to go to the store, and the damn lobster store was out of lobsters. Like wasn’t cool at all. After my dinner plans failed, Donald suggested that we go out to dinner. I think he suggested because once my hunger gets to a certain level, I turn into Ursula from The Little Mermaid and I’m not so pleasant to be around.  We decided on a fancy restaurant because they serve small portions and then I don’t feel bad about eating 3/4 of my plate! So we go to this beautiful nice restaurant, and I had my child size portioned meal, and I am stuffed. The waiter brings over some delicious plate filled with chocolatey, sugary, delicious treats and I almost died. I don’t think my eyes have ever opened so wide before. I figured, it’s only Valentines Day once a year, so …I had a little bite of everything on that plate. Chocolate covered marshmallows, chocolate covered strawberries, creme brulé, cake pops. Oh, and my favorite- there was chocolate lava cake. Like actually, my favorite. Sometimes when I think like a fat girl, I imagine what it would be like to die and go to chocolate lava cake heaven, and take a bath in a chocolate jacuzzi. I’m a sick individual. Anyway, so I let myself have small bites of everything, big deal, it’s only once a year that I fall for temptations, right? WRONG!…

 

February 15 is the Jewish Chocolate Lovers favorite day of the year!! Chocolate. Cheap. 80% Off. Cheap. Chocolate. Like really, do I need to say more? I decided to stop into the pharmacy to see what kind of chocolately treats were for sale. They had those fancy delicious ones on sale from $20 to $5. Like, how could I pass that up! I picked up a box, and felt okay about it. Then I got home, and I stared at that unholy heart shaped box. It was wrapped beautifully, in shiny cheap red plastic, with a pretty bow. I spoke to myself for a while and asked if I really wanted the chocolate. I don’t know what came over me, but I decided to put them away, and give them away to someone who needed them more, Ronnie Ginger. I believe she truly enjoys chocolate, and I got my chocaddiction from her. I got good qualities from my mommy.

This Valentines Day was a success, without going into a sugar shock!

 

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Moving In


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So, I realize that I have been absent for a while. While many might think that I have been busy stuffing my face with fried chicken, I have actually been busy in a new chapter in my life. Donald and I have decided to move in together. We signed our names on that paper (pretty much signing our lives away) and now we’re big fat roommates. This last few weeks has been hard on us, and I’ve turned to food for comfort. Which I know is totally wrong, but I’m admitting that I have a problem and I’m dealing with it- I threw out the frozen yogurt, and I’m only snacking on cucumber.  It seems as though Donald and I are mini fashionista interior decorators, and we didn’t even know about it. Our ideas have been clashing, thus leading to fights every five minutes. While I feel bad about it, it’s better that we fight now, than when we’re living together, right? We’re just going to get it all out now, because from this point, he’s pretty much stuck with me forever. We picked the most beautiful couch, ever! It’s a sectional, it’s gorgeous, and there’s a perfect little corner that will have my butt imprinted in it within 4 weeks of moving in to our new place. Speaking of couches, how come no one ever tells you how expensive a couch is when you’re a child? Like seriously, a couch is a serious expense, I had no idea. I feel broke just looking at couches.

While I know this is a good thing, to be moving in together, I’m also a little nervous; and rightfully so…I’ll have to start cooking for two now. I usually cook for just one, and I love having leftovers. I’m not good at sharing.  I’ve given myself mini nightmares, wondering how I’m supposed to share my delicious leftover crock pot recipes? Donald doesn’t usually like my crock pot creations; but I think this is mostly because of the reason that it comes out of a crock pot, and he thinks crock pots are weird. I think crock pots are genius inventions for the lazy. Also, another worry, is sharing the bathroom. I’ve lived with other people before, and sharing a bathroom is never fun. Now, I’ll be sharing one with a boy. I don’t mean to be rude to Donald and all, but his poop does not smell anywhere near the smell of roses. Sorry D! My Donald has very expensive taste, when it comes to furniture and home furnishings; and also when it comes to food. Maybe we’ll keep our fridge stocked with caviar and tongue and like some sort of pig meat and then I won’t want to eat any snacks when I’m sitting at home on the couch like a lazy slob.

At the end of the day, I am so excited to be moving in with my best friend. I get to move out of my first floor dungeon apartment, I get to have a sleepover every night, I get someone to wash the dishes (well I got a dishwasher, and the dishwasher is my new special someone). I have someone to play Scrabble with, rather than playing with my random Mexican friend Jorge at 3:00am (does he really know what a terrawatt is, or did he just Google that in the scrabble dictionary, because that is cheating, sir!) I’m so happy for this new adventure with my best friend!

 

 

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Confidence Boost


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Donald Cho will most probably not like this post. However, I think I should share with the world that I am quite happy that since surgery, due to the fact that I have been hit on quite a number of times. More times than I can imagine in my entire life. Now, these men who hit on me, are no Brad Pitt, most have at least four missing teeth, and I think only one of them knew how to say a full sentence in English.

Here are my encounters:

Waiting in the metro, this dude comes up to me, buck teeth and all. He looks me up and down and then with this grin, opens his mouth:

Weirdo: Dayuuuuuum Girl, you looking fiiiine. You got the Facebook?

Me: (German accent): Me, no book face, I no from country. Tank you

Weirdo: Girl, you know what I sayin’, you got the Facebook in Germany

Me: No no sir, No habla English.

 

Then maybe two days later, I see this odd looking thing. To be honest, I thought he was a homeless man asking me for change, so I tried to be nice. It turns out he was around fifty. I thought he was asking me if I had a tomato, but really he wanted my number.

Old Man: Hello Lady, you are looking quite fine tonight, can I have your tomato?

Me: I don’t have a tomato

Old Man: Can I have your number?

I casually walked away, because I didn’t want him to feel bad about the fact that I wasn’t interested in him or his tomato talk. He had this stench of beets coming from him, and I have a boyfriend. Like, get real sir. Also, maybe you should call your dentist, because something is really wrong up in there.

Two days ago, I was walking Genius in the alley. I know, I know, call me an idiot. I was asking for D’Shawn to start talking to me. No seriously, his name was D’Shawn, he told me as I was running away from him. Genius ran into an alley and I followed him there, because clearly I’m the genius. All of a sudden, this voice with no face hiding behind a car, starts talking to me and asking me personal questions about my life.

D’Shawn: Cute dog, what’s your name?

Me: Genius

D’Shawn: That’s a tough name for a cute little girl like you

Me: No, my dog is Genius. I don’t have a name

D’Shawn: Girl, where you livin?

Me: Nowhere

D’Shawn: I got an extra bed, wanna stay with me

Me: No

D’Shawn (as he follows me back to my apartment) Girl, don’t you walk away from me. I’m offering you shelter, for you and your dog for free.

Me: I’m cool bro.

Anyway, Genius and I walked two blocks away, and needless to say, I’ve been searching for a new apartment ever since. It’s been quite  week.

Guys, you’ve all been sweet! Thanks so much for boosting my confidence