Fat People Don’t Love All Food


Most ordinary people who don’t know much about anything would think that all fat people like all foods, and that when it comes to overweight people and dietary restrictions, there are none. Well I’m here to tell you, that as an average overweight person, I do not like all foods. My list of foods that I like is long, but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum.

Cheese:

Cheese is probably the most amazing gift from the cow gods. I’m pretty sure from what I’ve been told, that cheese is just rotten milk, but it tastes delicious. Now, while cheese may be yummy, I’m very particular about them. I know, how weird!… A fat person is particular about a type of food they like? I like all hard cheeses, as long as they’re not stinky. Really old cheddar and smoked gouda are my favorite. My mom used to buy smoked gouda when we were kids. It was a reward to get it, and I’d really have to work hard to get a piece; just one. That was until, I learned where the cheese drawer was and started eating an entire pack of cheese like a bag of chips. After Ronnie Ginger, my loving mother found out that I knew where the cheese stash was, it was over. The good expensive cheese stopped entering the house from that day. I was stuck with that “light” Kraft “cheese”… or should I say, Kraft plastic? Also, melted cheeses are so good. Like in a lasagna, when the mozzarella becomes ooey gooey… that’s pretty good. On to what I don’t like in the cheese category- I’m not one for stinky soft cheeses, or soft cheese in general. If I ever smelled a donkeys butt hole, I’d assume it smells like Blue Cheese, that stuff smells gross and why anybody would want to eat food the color of the rainbow really boggles my mind. I know it’s really in right now to like Brie and that Camembert stuff, but I just can’t. The smell reminds me of my locker in high school and it just brings back terrible memories for me.

Meat:

I love meat. Red meat. I like my meat rare. Obviously I’m not into eating my meatballs rare, but I totally adore some nice fancy meat once in a while. (When I say I like it, I like it, but I can only have about four bites until my stomach can’t take it anymore) Anyway, being Jewish, at most of our family holiday events, there’s always CHOPPED LIVER. I hate it! I can’t stand the sight of it, the smell of it, anything about it. To me it just looks like a bowl of mushed up poop and smells like it too. Sometimes Donald thinks it’s funny to breathe on me after he eats it. It’s an instant appetite decreaser for me! Also, ham and I don’t get along that great. I’m not sure if this fits in to the meat category, but whatever. I always loved Charlottes Web, and the thought of eating a sweet little pig really haunts my dreams… I do like bacon though. I swear I’m not a hypocrite.

Breads & Carbs:

Ever since I had my gallbladder surgery, for some reason, I can’t eat certain bread anymore. It’s like the surgeon gave me the gift of not being able to tolerate the things that are bad for me! Baguette is buttery goodness, but I have since had to say goodbye to it, along with the healthy flax seed bread, and any type of sandwich bread. For some reason though, croissants go down just fine; which for me I find unfortunate. Buuuut fortunately for me, I can only have 1/4 of it until I’m full. Those buttery delights are also murderous tasty treats. I’m not really one for chips. I find that they’re messy, and since I stain a lot of my clothes, I don’t find it worth it to eat chips unless I have a Tide-To-Go handy! Pasta and me no longer get along. Which, to be honest, doesn’t really bother me all that much, because it’s just a space waster in my stomach and I only made pasta when I was lazy.

Candies:

I LOVE CANDIES! I LOVE HALLOWEEN. I LOVE THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN WHEN EVERYTHING IS HALF PRICE. Candy doesn’t like me though. The second I eat a piece of candy, it goes straight to my triple chin and I’m just a sweaty hot mess. I made a promise to myself that I would not have a single candy before my birthday. So far, I’ve broken that promise twice. However, on a more positive note, I’m starting again tonight. I usually only like orange flavored candy, and mostly anything citrusy, or chocolatey. I hate black licorice, and cherry flavored snacks. But that’s about it!

Until then, I’ll keep working on the list of foods I don’t like!

I’m Missing My Chef Hat


There are two things that I really like. Food, and friends. I also really enjoy cooking for friends. Let me get to the point. I like baking. I love standing in my hell hole of a kitchen in my hell hole of an apartment, wearing an apron and chef hat. I bake. I can bake cookies, and muffins, and cakes, and puddings, and everything a fat kid can imagine. I bake deliciously.  When I bake, I feel like a wizard with a caldron. I throw ingredients all over the place, I sing, I splash, I make a mess… I love it! As much as I love the baking process, I don’t  love to eat my baked goods, but I sure do  love to share them. I share them on Instagram and go #hashtag crazy, and I also share them with friends.

I guess in my weight loss journey, if I bake for everyone, and everyone else around me gets a little more juicy and plump, then I’ll look even better even sooner. Calm down everyone, just a joke! I’m losing weight, while baking! Let’s face it, I can’t eat them. As much as I would like to, I am well aware that if I did,  someone would find me shaking on the floor, with my slow beating heat, and chocolate dripping down my face.

Eating cookies and cakes aren’t for me. I enjoy baking, and I find it extremely relaxing. Everyone around me can enjoy my sugary, buttery treats, and I will enjoy my apple.

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Chocolate Cake, Milk Chocolate Icing,  A Crap Ton of M&M’s all surrounded by 12 Kit Kat Bars

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It’s A Girl Cookies! Sugar Cookies. Sugar, Butter (Margarine), Flour, Love, Food Coloring

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Chocolate Cupcakes, Cream Cheese Icing, Sprinkles, Chocolate Chips. Yum .

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Shortbread Cookies With Chocolate Drizzle… low fat chocolate, doesn’t really make a difference at this point.

Cake Cake Cake


I cheated. I’m a big fat cheater. I feel terrible, and now I just want to curl up into a little ball and die in Carrot Caramel Cheesecake Heaven. The lovely 105 pound, Lexi Diggs is working so quietly at her desk with a beautiful piece of Carrot Caramel Cheesecake just staring at her in the face. She literally had this cake sitting on her desk and hadn’t taken a bite out of it. I had walked by about four times to see if she had taken a bite out of it, and nothing had been eaten. If that was me, that bad boy would have done some Houdini magic and that beautiful piece of cake would have disappeared in seconds!

I decided that I would be Fat Hillary and decided to walk over and ask if I could just simply smell her cake. She ever so nicely offered to give me the rest of it, and the skinny girl in me politely said “no thank you”. She persisted, and so, I took it. I took this piece of magnificent art to my desk and began smelling it, then I poked it, and then licked it. I took one bite, and I was hooked, so hooked in fact that I couldn’t quite keep my hands off it.  It was like the Brad Pitt of cakes. I took one fat girl bite and then another. Skinny girl butted in, in the middle of my cake eating binge and then, with food all over my face, sitting in a quiet office, I screamed at myself “NO FAT GIRL, PUT THAT CAKE DOWN”. I poured my Crystal Light all over the cake art and threw it in the garbage.

I think it’s good to be able to taste a little bit of everything, but not get too carried away. I mean, I’m a pro at getting carried away, how do you think I got this way? I think being able to take a bite, and then walk away without finishing the cake makes me stronger than I ever was.

Food is not the enemy, it’s just, well food isn’t your friend, but they’re not the enemy.

Cake


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Cake does not like me. Cake does not want to be my friend. Cake is a clingy boyfriend that will stick onto you and never let you go. I have decided that Cake and I are no longer able to be acquaintances. Cake is a life ruiner. Cake makes me happy for a little bit and then makes me feel fat and yucky five minutes after eating it. There is no “I” in CAKE, therefore I will separate myself from the evil beast.

Walking away from cake feels better than eating it.

$5 Sugar Coffees


High school was the first time I was really allowed to be left alone, and spend my own money. I had a summer job, and made a whopping $500 in two months (slave labor wtv). Anyway, going to school downtown, there were funky coffee shops on every corner. Every morning I would stop by this really fun one, where this very eclectic man in different cowboy hats for every day of the week, would give me samples of different cakes to try. This man knew how to run a business because let me tell you, I was there every morning! Anyway, one Tuesday morning, into the second month of high school, and I go to swipe my bank card and it says “INSUFFICIENT FUNDS”. I’m absolutely mortified. That morning, I was very unhappy not to have my coffee.

It turns out that I had spent $500 in two months on fancy coffees, cookies, croissants and along with that, I probably went up two pant sizes. That was when I started wearing Parasuco’s and developed the muffin top with a shirt that was two sizes too small.

Anyway, so my mom made fun of me for being broke and spending all my money on coffee. She told my grandma Gillian about this and to this day, she still questions my spending habits and says “Hillary darling, I hope you’re not spending all your money on those $5 sugar coffees. They’re very bad for you. Your figure doesn’t like them and either does your bank account”

My grandmother and my mother are quite alike, it’s actually quite funny. Very critical.

P.S I wore dark purple lipstick yesterday…. oh boy did she have something to say!