Anyone who knows me, knows that I am mad about cheese. Actually, scratch that, I am absolutely head over heels in love with cheese. When I walk by the cheese aisle, I like to stop and stare and imagine all the possibilities I can do with cheese. Anyway, it’s a sick disorder I have, I should really attend a Cheese Lovers Anonymous meeting because I’m not normal.
Anyway, today, while at Wally World with Rhoda Clarice, I walked by the cheese aisle. I had a good look and I was instantly drawn to this magnetic beautiful block of cheese that I just absolutely had to have. You know the way some girls are attracted to diamonds and then they can’t look away? I’m the same way, except cheese is my diamond. Anyway, I pick up the block of cheese and I notice that it’s light, “40% less fat than regular cheese”.. BS! Cheese is cheese. Cheese is fat. I put the cheese in the cart and I walk away. When I get to the cash to pay, Rhoda Clarice asks me ever so nicely if I’m going to buy the cheese. I took a moment to think about it. I looked at the cheese, then looked at my stomach. I looked back at the cheese and then immediately had to find a place to hide this cheese because I didn’t want any association with it anymore. I felt bad just leaving it on the shelf to rot; cheese has feelings too you know, so I found a fridge. The fridge with the drinks at the cash. I have attached a picture so you can see what I’m talking about. Rhoda was so proud of me, but more importantly, I was proud of me. I said NO!
Anyway Mr. Cheese, I hope you enjoyed your nice little cart ride around Wally World. Next time I’ll just wave at you instead of giving you hope that you’ll be coming into a new home.
Valentines Day is a day for single people to be upset they’re alone, fat girls to eat chocolate and watch The Notebook with their friends Ben and Jerry, and girls in relationships not being happy that their boyfriends didn’t send them the right flowers or the right kind of expensive chocolates.
Well, every fat girl loves to get chocolate on Valentines Day. I didn’t get that, not even a chocolate pudding. I got a Vanilla Yogurt though. I couldn’t finish the yogurt, because I was so full from just one bite; well really, it tasted terrible, like rotten cheese. Donald Chow tried his hardest though. We had a great Valentines Day, even though he doesn’t believe in it. We went to the hair salon and I got some crazy blonde highlights. I figured, new me, new hair, why not. The do-master had crazy eyes once I told him he could go crazy and cut off as much as he wanted, and color it whatever color he wanted. They surprised me, and now I feel like a heavier, prettier version of Jennifer Aniston. I’m kind of looking more like my mom. I can’t wait to see the face she gives me when I have to pick her up from the airport tomorrow; it’s either going to be the “what the hell did you do to your hair” face or the “omg, I love it, you look just like your mother” face.
Anyway, this Valentines Day turned out to be amazing for me, because while all you skinny girls were gaining weight with your chocolate covered strawberries, and fancy meals, I got a new hairstyle and I look hotter as each day goes by.
I love cheese. Not a fan of stinky cheese, or the soft cheese, or kraft cheese really (Genius loves Kraft Cheese) Anyway. I like cheese. The end. Cheese is a scary weapon that can kill a fat person. Skinny people will eat cheese too, but at some point, they’re able to stop. I can go and buy an entire block of cheese and eat it in one sitting. I like cheese melted, cold , warm , hard , not soft, not stinky. I’m also madly in love with cheese flavored snacks. Low fat, no fat, partly skim, and skim cheese give a yucky taste in my mouth. I’ve decided that it’s fat cheese or no cheese! Giving up cheese will be quite hard for me in my quest for weight loss. However, the outcome will be amazing.