A Note To Loud Chewers

Dear Loud Chewers of the world,

It’s time I come clean, and stop sitting here in silence and taking this abuse…I’m still not over the whole chewing with your mouth open thing. It’s really bothering me, and has been for the last 25 years of my life. Why is it necessary to chew like a horse, breathe like a behemoth and lick your fingers like curly sue? Actually, you don’t sound or look like curly sue, just a buffalo who’s hungry and has resorted to eating fingers. It’s so ugly! Was I the only one that was brought up to chew quietly and normally. I am not interested in hearing what your loud mouth has to offer. I also, don’t like when you spit your food on me. It’s rude, and impolite, and you should not be marching over to me with a buffet of food in your mouth. I like Niagra Falls, not Foodagra Falls, thank you very much.

If my mom taught me how to chew properly, then you can do it too. I will be giving tutorials, at a low rate of $5 an hour. It’s called Hillarys-School-Of-Learning-To-Chew-With-Your-Gross-Mouth-Closed-School-Of-Etiquette.

Thanks so much, and have a lovely day.


Chew With Your Mouth Closed



I have problems. Probably more than most people do. But I can admit it. I dislike a lot of things, and I dislike a lot of people. When something bothers me, I will usually not say anything, but when it comes to this one particular thing, I just lose it.

This one thing that bothers me more than mice in my house, is people who chew with their mouths open. This trait is disgusting and sometimes makes me want to strangle people, stick my fingers down their throat, and remove the food. People who chew like disgusting cows should have no privilege  of eating crunchy, or noisy food. If you were raised by wolves, and plan on chewing with your mouth open, I suggest that instead of masticating this like a pig, you stick your filet Mignon leftovers, and crackers  in the blender, and suck it out of a straw. How do people even learn such disgusting qualities?

Say a little boy named Mervin has a problem closing his mouth when he eats. You would think that if everyone around him is putting headphones on, and blocks their ears, and runs away from him in the schoolyard, whenever he takes out his breakfast,lunch and snack, he would realize that perhaps he has a chewing problem. It’s not like Mervin has abnormally large cheeks or anything. It’s not like he’s missing teeth. He is just an ordinary individual who does not have manners.  Even a giraffe missing half their teeth can eat better than him. Maybe Mervin and his classmates should take a group field trip to the zoo so the baby llama can teach the class how to eat properly.

Also, gum chewing. Why can’t anyone just close their mouth when they chew gum. Is it like your teeth are on a mission to kill the gum? Gum is not a living thing. Close your mouth, enjoy the taste, swish it around. Do not crack, pop, chew, breathe loudly. I must sound crazy, or just no one has seen Princess Diaries and knows how to act with proper etiquette?

To sum this up, nobody wants to hear what you’re eating or chewing. When you eat, your mouth is supposed to be closed. If you feel like you cannot close your mouth, I suggest, you walk your little tush over to a public washroom, close the door to a stall and eat your lunch in there. Nobody likes the sound of food mushing around inside someones mouth. No one. I have a copy of the Princess Diaries if anyone would like some reminders on how to eat. You are not a barn yard animal, you are a human- act like it!

So, the moral of the story is, there is no moral. Just close your mouth.