Hillary, The Someday Olympian!


Image

 

I absolutely ADORE the Olympics! I like to watch the skiing, and the finger skaters, and all the pretty costumes. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to do any kind of physical activity. At time, I envision my face on the Olympians face and pretend that it’s me doing all that funky twirling in the air kind of stuff! I tried to do Olympic skiing on the Wii once, but that failed tremendously when I fell head first into my fireplace. I still have scars. Maybe that’s why I don’t like working out, I’m afraid of being hurt and then falling! I don’t know what it is, but no matter what I do, I’m unable to move around properly. I have no balance, no rhythm,  no grace. I’m a special kind.

If I could do any kind of sport in the Olympics, I think I would do interpretive dancing. You know, the ones with the ribbon wands! I’ve always wanted to hop around like a bunny and feel like a pretty elegant princess. Somehow though, no matter what I do, I always end up tripping on something, and looking like a buffoon. I swear, it can be standing on something so flawless, and still trip and break my face. My mommy always told me that I was clumsy and not very girl-like. She always told me to be graceful, but being graceful is just boring. I can do it on the weekends, and to go to special classy events, but to be graceful all day, every day just wouldn’t work for me.

For now, I think it’s best to stick to walking. To the bus. Because I really can’t go wrong there.

Those Damn Titties


Image

 

Last night, I was out for dinner with Ronnie and Auntie Candy Vagine to wish Duffy a great trip to Thailand. I’m really kind of jealous, now that I think about it- he’s going to be eating the best food for the next two months, and be losing weight too. Lucky kid. Anyway, while I was out, and watching those around me eat, I noticed that I had gotten rid of a problem that was bothering me since I was fifteen years old.

So, Auntie Candy was sitting and minding her own business, when I noticed that a little driplet of salad dressing had fallen off her fork and onto her busty mammary glands. I had advised her and she said in her loudest voice “Oh, those damn titties, always getting in the damn way”. I thought I was in a movie or something, but it actually really happened. It made me think, and I realized that this was a common occurrence in my life, and it had actually not happened in the last little while. I didn’t have boobies for bibs anymore, or maybe I’m just more careful. Who knows?

Let’s backtrack a little actually, I only got those “damn titties” when I turned fifteen. I was flat chested my entire life, and my mom kept asking when I would get them. She was really annoying about it. One day, they appeared. Either I ate something really fattening that got stuck at that part of my body, or my mom said I really HUGE prayer. Anyway. needless to say, those “damn titties” became such a big part of my life… literally. They were always in the way. I hardly fit into Victorias Secret, and I needed to wear those granny bras. Sometimes I thank God that I didn’t have to go so far as to get the bras that had the clasp in the front.

So here is my NSV (non scale victory) I am finally free of the evil boobie bibs! I have never been happier. Ronnie must also be happy, because there is way less laundry for her to do now!

Slip-n-Slide


Image

For all you people that like winter: what the hell is wrong with you? I understand like a cool breeze, with little snowflakes, wow so pretty. But to enjoy freezing, snowy, slippy walks home, you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. Anyway, I like summer, summer allows me to sit outside for hours and watch my skin get all crispy and fun. In the winter I’m all pale and unhappy.

Besides hating the snow and the ice, and the slippery sidewalks, what I look forward to the least is the day that I will slip and slide on the ice. I know it will happen, last year was my best year, as I only slipped 13 times; not bad! I really don’t care about falling and hurting myself, I care more about what my fall will look like when my feet slip off the ground and I break the ice in front of me. Sometimes when I’m walking, I imagine the fall, last Sunday, for our first real snowfall here in Iglooville Canada, I pictured me falling head first and sliding all the way down the road hitting a cement post, luckily that wasn’t me, but it did happen to my dog Genius, he’s fine now though, he enjoys running into walls etc.

So far this year I’m 0/1. No falling, no slipping no almost falls; those are the worst because sometimes with the almost falls I want to hold on to the closest stranger next to me. My neighborhood is a little creepy, so I wouldn’t want to hang on to any strangers there.

Anyway, good luck in the ice this winter, everyone!