Karma Is A Runt


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As most people know already, I have no patience. I have absolutely no patience for stupid people, for annoying people, or even for rainbows and butterflies. I especially do not have patience for the people who ask me for food while I am sitting peacefully enjoying my deliciousness. My food is my food people. Didn’t your Mommy pack you a lunch today? Ridiculous that I need to pack my delicious lunch for you to harass me while I eat it.

Backtrack like fifteen years when I was in elementary school. My mom packed me the best lunch ever that had Dunk-A-Roos , and everyone would sit by my desk and watch me eat them. Like people seriously. Enough already. At least ask me for a trade, and then maybe then I’ll consider. But if you just want a bite, I’m not giving it up so easy. However, looking back, I think it’s karma. When I was in grade 1, the teacher punished me for pressing the buttons on the computer in the library. She told me to stand outside in the corner. While I was standing outside, I noticed a lunchbox just sitting there with no ones name on it. I decided to be curious, and open this lunchbox. Rummaging through, I saw an apple, pudding, tomato sandwich (ew) and then  I saw RUNTS. You know those treatsy candies shaped like fruits and stain your tongue? Ya, those! I figured since this box of treats was just hanging out, with no name and no owner, that I would take the runts and eat them. Now that I think about it, it was ever since that day that people come and ask me for my food.

To the little girl or boy who those Runts belonged to. I am sorry, if you tell me who you are, I will buy you another box, just to make this nightmare of people asking me for bites to go away. Please accept my apologies.

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A Note To Skinny Girls


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Dear Young Skinny Children of Elementary School,

Be nice to the awkward funny fat kid. If not, your life will be hell. If you think calling that plump little girl or boy some sort of disease, or feel like making fun of them to make you feel better about yourself, shut up, turn around and stop. Fat people are just like you, fat people have feelings too. Don’t sit there and make fun of an innocent little fat kid just because you want to feel better about yourself. Just because you’re having a terrible time at home, and you’re the outcast of your own family, doesn’t mean you need to take it to the playground and put it on someone else.

In elementary school, specifically grade two, I remember that shorter “friend”, who decided it would be nice to make “Helga**Germs” a trending topic around school. Are you serious you shrimp, just because you’re three feet tall, you’re going to take out your anger on the girl who’s ten times prettier than you’ll ever be? Look at you now,  and now look back at me… I’m happy, you’re in the same sad place you were years ago. Also, I would really appreciate it if you gave me back my play-doh you stole from my desk in grade 4. I know it was you, your eye does this wonky thing when you lie.

Skinny children everywhere, listen to my inspirational words. Don’t make fun of those fat awkward kids, they’re going to be your bosses in twenty years from now.

Signed,

Getting there skinny girl

A Note To Skinny Girls


Last week I was a little, very mean to the skinny girls. My apologies. Well not really, but I’ll say I am so you continue to read my hilarious blog. Anyway, I know skinny people have feelings too and it hurts their feelings when people make fun of their skininess, it’s the same for fat people. Except in elementary school you’re part of the cool crowd and no one makes fun of you for being the skinny kid who can’t run to first base in soccer baseball; only the fat kids who kick the ball in the opposite direction and can’t make it to first without being smacked by the ball get made fun of. So, because skinny girls were mean to me in school, it’s my turn to retaliate. If you don’t like it, I don’t care. Anyway, so this whole new “loose fitting” clothing is in style, and I was beginning to think that all these big names were making clothes for the fatty boombas plump girls. Anyway, these loose fitting shirts, fit me perfectly, and I’m starting a new trend. Skinny people have it so easy. Everything looks so good on them. Even if it’s too tight it looks good. I got yelled at when I tried to wear a belly shirt at twelve. What did I know? I thought it was cute