Fake Face


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Sometimes, when I get bored, I like to sit and Facestalk people. Today, it got so bad to the point that I had to stalk myself. As I’m sitting in my 0.5 square food cubicle, I decided I  was going to go through old Facebook pictures trying to locate a disturbingly ugly one of me, fat and all. I want this picture so I can get a better Before & After picture. Now, because I decided to only post the good pictures, it’s just boring and nothing with huge chipmunk cheeks. However, as my luck usually has it, I was unable to find anything remotely fat or ugly. What’s that all about?

Helga; fat me, in the past, decided to only take pictures from high up, or pictures with half my body missing. Facebook is like magic, it’s amazing how I could weigh almost 250 pounds, and look as though I’m only 170!

Either:

A) I was an amazing photographer

B)Facebook takes off 80 pounds Or…

C) I was just in denial and had to take 300 pictures in order to just get one decent one.

For all my pleasantly plump chunky friends, the answer is C. We all do it, don’t be ashamed. Whatever, I guess. No one is going to put up a picture on Facebook where there’s rolls galore or unplucked eyebrows, or just anything ugly. How stupid can you be? The really ugly ones will just post a picture of them from 1000 feet in the air so you’d actually think they’re only like 98 pounds!

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this. Maybe it’s time I put up a makeup less picture from a straight on angle!

Another Big Thank You


So, I just stuffed myself, not realizing that I just had my entire stomach removed, and now I feel like I’m going to barf. So before I go ahead and do that, I wanted to say thank you again to everyone that has been so crazy nice to me during this whole thing. My Mommy Ronnie Ginger, I’m sorry I was mean to you at the hospital, you just like to touch me a lot, and when I’m in a lot of pain, I just want to be left alone. Also, I don’t like when you compare me to Grandma Gillian. To Manny Ginger, thank you so much for everything, and spending the day at the hospital to keep Ronnie company. I loved my Teddy Bear, and it was nice to have something fuzzy to sleep with at night while all I heard was coughing and yelling in the hallways. Thank you to Donald Chow for staying until nighttime and coming back at 6:00 am to watch me walk the halls looking for a popsicle. Thank you to Holly Netherwood, Barbara Candyland, Rhoda Clarice Greenberg Adams for checking on me so much and making sure I was ok. Thank you to the nice nurses that medicated me just when I needed it, and of course the nurse that came to burp me when I thought I was near death. Thank you to Auntie Shonda Clementine and Auntie Candy Vagine who came over the same week of my surgery to clean my entire apartment from top to bottom; which I still kept clean by the way. Thank you to my Grandma Gillian for making me chicken soup, and my Papa Zack that calls me everyday just to hear my voice. Thank you Margaret Steinberg and Dale Morganstein who came to visit me in the hospital and witnessed my infectious IV getting taken out. Dale, that was really sweet of you to hold my hand while Donald was gone. Thank you Morris Levenstein who took the time everyday to send me a nice message and cheer me on with my progress. Thank you everyone at work today that made me feel extra popular and cool and came up to talk to me today and kept telling me how great I looked (Keep it coming, by the way). Thanks to everyone who likes all my selfie pics on Instagram on Facebook. I’m cool like that.

A huge thank you goes out to all that have contacted me, it truly means a lot to me… the littlest things have the greatest impact.

O-M-G!


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I am now officially twenty days into this new lifestyle change, and have taken off 26 pounds. While that may be a whole lot of weight for a normal person, I don’t seem to notice much of a difference. However, last night something huge happened, out of this world huge! So I’m getting into bed, and before I do, I do my usual routine ; I brush my teeth, wash my face, get ready, then lastly, I get on the scale, check the mirror to see if I notice any changes. I didn’t really notice anything until I saw what I’ve been waiting forever for– MY COLLAR BONES ARE COMING IN! I swear, and it wasn’t like I needed to make a duckface Facebook picture from an awkward angle to get my collar bone to show. It was just there, naturally, without me trying. I could lie to everyone and say that I went to bed right away and didn’t make a big deal, but I’m no liar. I did a fashion show at 1:30 am to see which of my clothes would show off my new bony friends, and proceeded to google collar bones and then Facebook stalk some skinny girls. The slight visibility is not me saying I have lost all this weight, but I am just so thrilled and things are actually working. To all you “normal” people, having collar bones is probably just a normal thing and you don’t really care, and I’m sure you find a reason to hate them, like you hate everything else about yourself (sorry, fat girl is coming out again), but to me this is HUGE. I have never been more thrilled.

I need to go warm up some of Mama’s Homemade Pureed Soup….Yum!

No Amount of Plastic Surgery Can Fix Your Hideous Personality


I may be significantly overweight, but three things I can say about myself, are that I’m beautiful, (not just a pretty face), selfless, and a great friend. Growing up, I always wanted to be the cool kid because I was so abnormally large. I wanted to do what the cool kids did. I had this friend once, (who backstabbed me one too many times, and I’ll probably get a Facebook Friend Delete after this post) and we would sneak out of our houses at 3:00 am to go eat greasy fattening food. It’s like I was asking to get fatter. Overnight, I had ballooned, and no idea how it happened; well I did, but I was in denial. Anyway, while I’m eating all this greasy food, I’m trying to fit in wearing these low cut belly shirts- LITERALLY BELLY, not the sexy kind, and tight jeans that would cut off my circulation. Not only was I not fitting in with the cool crowd, the nerds even started to look at me with funny faces.

People can go on diets, lose weight, get surgery, but- none of this will make them a better person or change them from being an evil conniving b!@#$. I am a good person, and a good friend, and when I decide for real that I want to lose this weight once and for all, I will, and remain the same person I have always been.