It’s Called A DIE(t) For A Reason


The hardest part about being on a strict diet, is knowing you can’t have anything you want. I’ve been on a strict diet for the last seven days, twelve hours, nineteen minutes and twenty seconds (which realistically I should have been on for the last twenty years, but whatevs) and all I can think about is fried food, fat food, sugary food- anything. I don’t even like chicken nuggets, but today, it’s all I can think about. You know those chicken nuggets that say “lightly battered:” on the menu, but then you get them and they’re breaded with an entire loaf of white bread and cooked in an entire tub of extra grease? It’s those that I’m thinking about. Also, pizza. Pizza is a triangular form of deliciousness that can be made in so many delicious ways, and is just so magnificently delicious. I also really like this super weird thing that I don’t mind sharing with the world. Get ready because it is so delicious that you just might eat your computer screen. Ok, so you know when you microwave day old pasta and there’s cheese on top?  When the cheese and pasta gets really crunchy, I enjoy that… like REALLY enjoy. Sometimes I try to burn my food in the microwave because I want the cheese and noodle chips. 

Speaking of delicious can we take a moment to talk about pickles? Pickles are amazing sodium stuffed cucumbers. They’re so crunchy, and really bother the people around you, because you smell like garlic and you’re crunching like a horse. I personally don’t mind hearing myself chew like a horse, but if someone else does it, they will have their fingers chopped off, and I will steal their pickle, just saying. 

Anyway, it’s funny just to say it out loud what I’m thinking about, because in the real world I would never actually eat pizza or deep fried chicken… never ever! It’s like I’m  a teenager who can’t have her little high school crush, they always want what they can’t have. 

Sorry Mr. Nugget, I’m better off without you. 

 

I Have Cravings, So What?


Today Barbara Candyland and I were abusing our offices e-mail system when we were talking about things we want to eat. Here is a snippet of what went on this afternoon while our stomachs were eating away at themselves….

From: Me

Subject: Things I want

Message:

Poutine

Cookies and cream chocolate bar

Chips

Nachos and cheese

Cheese

An abundance of sushi

Chocolate

More chocolate

Poutine

Julep

To be skinny

 

From: Barbara Candyland

Subject: RE:  Things I want

Message:

Is that in order? Poutine twice? …things I want.

 

TCBY with score and smarties

Nachos with cheese and salsa

Cheese and crackers

Tacos

Chocolate

A veggie burg

Fries

More fries

Fried Dumplings with peanut butter sauce

Sushi

Pad Thai

More nachos

Poutine extra cheese

Ben and jerrys ice cream

Some nuts extra salty

Lettuce wrap

Candy

Liquorish red

Nibbs

Popcorn

Chocolate covered almonds

Lobster risotto

A salad

More fries

A cucumber

Yes, this really happened. Barbara is a twig and I hate that she can say things like that and I won’t think of her as a fat person. Ugh, I should hang out with her more often.

Shut Up Food Eaters


This liquid diet sucks. Shut up everyone, telling me it’s the first day to the rest of my life I’m trying to smile but I’m miserable. I am fat, I need food. I have pains in my stomach, and I’m tempted to cut off my tummy and start eating that. I can grill it with some garlic and saltless seasonings, that’s on my diet, right? I know it will be worth it someday, but right now I think I am entitled to be an angry, rude, hungry brat. If you don’t like, don’t read my blog, don’t call me. (I could use a phone call though, I’ve been a little lonely). Also Morris Levinstein says that I should inform everyone of the pain I feel. It feels a little bit like there is a baby porcupine sitting inside my stomach rolling around inside me and poking me. Damn porcupine.

Also, I would appreciate if people around me would stop eating and stop telling me that I should have some cake. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I NEED CAKE? I don’t think I have ever gone this long food-less. I mean, I am proud of myself for making it through 30 hours. I’m hoping I can make it to 264 hours…. that’s all that’s left until the surgery.