Fat People Don’t Love All Food


Most ordinary people who don’t know much about anything would think that all fat people like all foods, and that when it comes to overweight people and dietary restrictions, there are none. Well I’m here to tell you, that as an average overweight person, I do not like all foods. My list of foods that I like is long, but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum.

Cheese:

Cheese is probably the most amazing gift from the cow gods. I’m pretty sure from what I’ve been told, that cheese is just rotten milk, but it tastes delicious. Now, while cheese may be yummy, I’m very particular about them. I know, how weird!… A fat person is particular about a type of food they like? I like all hard cheeses, as long as they’re not stinky. Really old cheddar and smoked gouda are my favorite. My mom used to buy smoked gouda when we were kids. It was a reward to get it, and I’d really have to work hard to get a piece; just one. That was until, I learned where the cheese drawer was and started eating an entire pack of cheese like a bag of chips. After Ronnie Ginger, my loving mother found out that I knew where the cheese stash was, it was over. The good expensive cheese stopped entering the house from that day. I was stuck with that “light” Kraft “cheese”… or should I say, Kraft plastic? Also, melted cheeses are so good. Like in a lasagna, when the mozzarella becomes ooey gooey… that’s pretty good. On to what I don’t like in the cheese category- I’m not one for stinky soft cheeses, or soft cheese in general. If I ever smelled a donkeys butt hole, I’d assume it smells like Blue Cheese, that stuff smells gross and why anybody would want to eat food the color of the rainbow really boggles my mind. I know it’s really in right now to like Brie and that Camembert stuff, but I just can’t. The smell reminds me of my locker in high school and it just brings back terrible memories for me.

Meat:

I love meat. Red meat. I like my meat rare. Obviously I’m not into eating my meatballs rare, but I totally adore some nice fancy meat once in a while. (When I say I like it, I like it, but I can only have about four bites until my stomach can’t take it anymore) Anyway, being Jewish, at most of our family holiday events, there’s always CHOPPED LIVER. I hate it! I can’t stand the sight of it, the smell of it, anything about it. To me it just looks like a bowl of mushed up poop and smells like it too. Sometimes Donald thinks it’s funny to breathe on me after he eats it. It’s an instant appetite decreaser for me! Also, ham and I don’t get along that great. I’m not sure if this fits in to the meat category, but whatever. I always loved Charlottes Web, and the thought of eating a sweet little pig really haunts my dreams… I do like bacon though. I swear I’m not a hypocrite.

Breads & Carbs:

Ever since I had my gallbladder surgery, for some reason, I can’t eat certain bread anymore. It’s like the surgeon gave me the gift of not being able to tolerate the things that are bad for me! Baguette is buttery goodness, but I have since had to say goodbye to it, along with the healthy flax seed bread, and any type of sandwich bread. For some reason though, croissants go down just fine; which for me I find unfortunate. Buuuut fortunately for me, I can only have 1/4 of it until I’m full. Those buttery delights are also murderous tasty treats. I’m not really one for chips. I find that they’re messy, and since I stain a lot of my clothes, I don’t find it worth it to eat chips unless I have a Tide-To-Go handy! Pasta and me no longer get along. Which, to be honest, doesn’t really bother me all that much, because it’s just a space waster in my stomach and I only made pasta when I was lazy.

Candies:

I LOVE CANDIES! I LOVE HALLOWEEN. I LOVE THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN WHEN EVERYTHING IS HALF PRICE. Candy doesn’t like me though. The second I eat a piece of candy, it goes straight to my triple chin and I’m just a sweaty hot mess. I made a promise to myself that I would not have a single candy before my birthday. So far, I’ve broken that promise twice. However, on a more positive note, I’m starting again tonight. I usually only like orange flavored candy, and mostly anything citrusy, or chocolatey. I hate black licorice, and cherry flavored snacks. But that’s about it!

Until then, I’ll keep working on the list of foods I don’t like!

Sharing Is Not Caring


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I like to think of myself as a nice person, and a very caring and generous person as well. Since my stomach has dramatically decreased in size, those around me will notice that I love to share the meals and snacks that I cannot finish. It kind of feels nice that I can do that now, because I was always the fat girl picking off other peoples plates, when they were “full”. Anyway, aside from being dandy and sweet and nice and caring, my super sweet self just happens to get annoyed once in a while. People who chew with their mouths open, gum crackers, stinky people etc can make me go bonkers, and I absolutely lose it. What also is really beginning to bug me, is when people hover over me and watch what I eat. Dude, if you just back off and let me enjoy my delicious food in peace, I will give you my leftovers- as long as you are patient and understanding, because it takes me a damn long time to eat and enjoy my meal. And also Sir, may I add that when you make  comments like “that looks yummy” or “that smells great” or “I bet that’s mighty delicious in your mouth”, it makes me want to throw the food at your face, rather than share it with you.

The moral of this story, is that, I will give you my leftovers. I will feed you all day long. But please, let me eat in peace. I only get to enjoy three ounces of food per meal, so at least give me that.

This Is Reality


Monday morning, I walk in to the admitting department of the hospital not knowing what’s about to come my way. I expected hospitals to have long wait times, so I anticipated having about an hour of dillydallying time. WRONG. They took me in right away. So as I walk into the Operating Room Floor, this overly friendly man immediately asked me to disrobe and put all my clothes in a garbage bag? (What is this, prison?). I’m sitting in this chair half naked waiting for the OR nurse to come get me. All these doctors keep walking by me with lunch boxes, so I figure I’ve got at least thirty minutes to take a quick nap. I close my eyes, and then all of a sudden, just as I close my eyes- this large, heavy set woman comes and calls my name. We walk the halls together, and she puts this gorgeous shower cap on me, instructs me to sit in this normal sized bed. You would think for bariatric surgery they would at least give you a double; yeah right. Suddenly at that moment, it all became real. Doctors kept coming up to me, introducing themselves, poking me with needles and putting strange clothing on me. As I’m put on the operating room table, the last thing I hear is : “ok, we’re going to inject Propofol now”… I respond with “isn’t that how Michael Jackson died?”… Then I took a long nap…

The Cowntown Is On


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I guess starting this new journey in my life is kind of scary for all sorts of reason. What will happen when they cut me open, what will happen if it doesn’t work. My biggest fear at this moment is, how to I be a normal person? What is normal? Every summer my entire life, I’ve spent wearing tummy-taming bubby bathing suits, and moomoos to cover me up from sparing the world from seeing what I’ve got hidden under my long drape-like clothes.  I guess I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to wear a bikini. I want the tan lines, and to feel like the rest of the world. So, I settled for what the fat girls need to settle for when they want to feel cool and want something ending in “kini”– I purchased a tankini When Donald Chow and I first went to Vegas in 2011, he kept laughing, and laughing at the word TANKINI. Who wears a tankini? These were the ugliest things I have ever owned and I don’t think I’ve ever been more uncomfortable. To this day, we still talk about that crazy tankini I wore.

What do normal people wear? What do normal people eat? What do normal people say? I’m 25 years old, and still have the maturity level of a twelve year old (According to Mommy Dearest) . Will that leave me, along with the 80+ pounds I need to lose? Will I change? I’m a funny person. I don’t want to lose my sense of humor. Maybe people find me funny because I’m bigger than everyone else, and louder etc.

I’ve got two weeks to start counting down until I’m lying in that hospital bed. I have been waiting my entire life to feel “normal”. I hope I will still be me. I’ll make my own kind of normal.

On A More Serious Note (Not To Skinny Girls)


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I started this blog months ago because I was upset at the way I looked and felt. People told me I was funny, so I kept writing and pretty much laughed at myself for the last two months. I’m not going to lie- my life is pretty damn funny, and I have experienced some crazy stuff during my 25 years on this planet. However, it’s time I come clean. Nine months ago I decided that I’ve finally had enough with the way I looked. I was tired of trying new diets, getting on the scale and being disappointed, and overall just hating the person I was. I decided that after trying Weight Watchers, NutriSystem, Slim Fast, Fat Camp that there was no other option for me but weight loss surgery. I did my research thoroughly and finally decided to do the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy surgery. In simple terms, this surgery  means the doctors cut out 75% of my stomach and take out the hormone which makes me hungry.  I never thought that I was heavy enough to be eligible for any type of weight loss surgery, however, to my surprise I was. I had eaten my way half to death.

Last week I got the phone call that I had been waiting months for. Even though the nice nurse advised me that the waiting period could be anywhere from 5-7 years, I got the phone call only nine months after sending in my application. I sat at my desk at work crying hysterically where coworkers around me thought someone had died. I was excited and nervous at the same time, and couldn’t believe I was fortunate enough to get this surgery. My life was about to change forever.

I’m not one of those people who will suddenly lose weight and then lie about it and say I lost it by eating such tiny portions. A heavy person does not overnight, simply start eating bird sized portions. It just doesn’t happen. I’m getting this surgery. I’m starting fresh.

I thank my family, and close friends and Donald and Marg for being so supportive of my decision.

February 4th is the big day.