I cringe and grind my teeth the moment I hear someone use the word moist. There’s just something so gross and yucky about this word. Hard to imagine that there could be a word worse than moist, however, I think I got it… DIET. I hate it. Notice how the inventor of the word secretly put the word “die” in there? It’s torture. Like actually. Diets deprive you of food, make you unhappy, make you lose friends, because you can’t go to movies and eat fat people popcorn, or go out for fun greasy meals at 3:00am. Diets all do the same thing…at the end, all lead to the same result… a big fat failure. As a person who loves food, it becomes hard to diet after every twenty pounds you put on. Instead of going to the gym I just want to try out this new all you can eat sushi place, or go see the newest movie with buttery popcorn (and now they give you these toppings for free, yummy) Anyway, that summer when I went away to fat camp, I kept telling myself the same thing over and over again “Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels” I will stick by that.
Listen, I’m all for going to the gym. Actually, not so much, but I’m all for positive attitude about going to the gym. Mine is perfectly located in between old people village and old people city, perfect right? Wrong! I go to my gym and take these classes with old ladies that are ten times more fit than me, and can move their bodies in Zumba that I never thought I would be able to. I thought joining would make me feel better, but these old bubbies just shut me down! I’m tired after the first dance- who am I kidding, I’m a liar, I’ve finished an entire bottle of water and exhausted after the warmup! Story of a
fat plump girl. I think different people should attend different gyms. Meaning, there should be a gym for those fat folks, a gym for the stupid lanky looking kids that really aren’t fooling anyone by doing a 0 incline and a speed of 2, a gym for the athletic skinny people who are just there to look in the mirror and look at all the other athletic muscular skinny people and have muscular skinny people chats with each other, and then a gym for the oldies. It’s just so discouraging when I’m on the treadmill and I see this B!@#$ next to me having a jolly old time there just trotting away, no sweat, no messy hair, just a fun flowy run. FYI fun fit girl at the gym with no worries in the world— I hate you.
My boyfriend, Donald Chow called me yesterday while I was sitting at work starving, he told me that we had a date the next night for CHINESE FOOD! Tonight is the night! I haven’t been eating because I’ve been preparing what I want, I know I will exceed my daily caloric intake, and I know Margie Steinberg is going to be so mad at me when I tell her I can’t go to the gym on Sunday… (sorry). Tonight I want some five spice chicken, salt and pepper shrimps, that fun eclectic ADD looking soup, and fortune cookies. Is it fat of me to plan out my meal 24 hours in advance? I lied when I said I haven’t eaten all day. I had a cookie this morning. It was delicious. I’m not sure what it is about this chinese restaurant that makes me so happy. Is it the waiters that teach me how to count from 1-10 in Cantonese? Or maybe the old bubbies complaining about how they didn’t win Bingo this week? Maybe it’s the garbage bags on the table used as tablecloths. Whatever it is. I love it. Chinese food can bring a smile to my face. Wow, I sound so fat.
Margaret Steinberg and I attend the gym together weekly. To be honest, whenever I see her name on my phone, I want to throw it against the wall because it’s always something like “Hilly… let’s go to the gym tonight” or “gym tonight, yay” ” i love zumba, gym time in one hour”. It’s really sweet of her and all, but I’m just too lazy beyond words. I know she wants to see me succeed, but sometimes, when I’m sitting at my desk at work all day, all I can do is daydream about my amazing new comfy bed(Thanks to Donald Chow). Margaret Steinberg has a wedding in just over a year… JEALOUS! So like, she totally has a reason to be all excited to go to the gym. I still go, and I enjoy the classes with the older ladies, and middle aged men, because I feel like I really know what I’m doing– like people are watching me to know what move comes next. Go me! I mostly like wearing gym clothes because for some reason I find I get all the nice looks from the creepy taxi drivers and old homeless men. Not sure what it is, but these men seem to have a thing for pleasantly plump girls in workout gear.