Fat Girl Problems


 

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Ok, so it’s not like it takes a rocket scientist to get that we all have problems. I like to think of myself as having the worst kind of problems- FAT GIRL PROBLEMS. While some people may think that I’m overreacting, most of us actually have a lot of fat girl problems! 

I figured the easiest way to separate the majority of my issues was by season!

Summer:

1) Getting into strangers/friends/family members car… never fun when you’re wearing short shorts… It happens to me quite often because I’ve got hot legs and I know it. Anyway enough about my gorgeous legs. When summertime comes, I turn into a sweaty whale and my body thinks it’s cool to start sweating like effing Super Aqua Club. Whenever I’m the passenger in someones car, they ALWAYS have leather seats! Why can’t people be cheap and get the fabric seats so I don’t need to show my sweaty butt cheek marks when I leave their car. So not cool. Also, with the sweat thing, sometimes I wish I had no hair. I sweat and my hair always looks wet. I always get the “Oh Hey! You’re doing the wet hair look, so nice” and I’m all like “Oh Hey, You’re doing the I-just-got-out-of-bed look, right?” Don’t be rude people. Fat people sweat, more than others. I’m going for the sweaty hair look by the way.

 

2) Ice cream. I just love ice cream. If I could, I could eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. To be honest, I’m not so much into the actual ice CREAM part, but I like the yogurt better (I wish it was me being healthy, but it’s actually that the taste is better) I’m not sure if this whole froyo thing is a new thing in Montreal, or if it’s going on everywhere, but anywhere I look, there’s a new frozen yogurt store. Like literally on every corner! Everyone around me is Instagramming their latest cute frozen yogurt inventions with fruit and granola toppings and I’m here like  getting a behemoth sized portion and top it with pop tarts, brownies and high fat sprinkles. But I swear it’s been over a year since I’ve decorated my $20 frozen yogurt like a horse.

Fall:

1) All the skinny girls are wearing Uggs, and I want to wear Uggs too. How is it that after only three months with mine they look like they’ve gone through a hike through the rainforest and I look at everyone else’s and theirs are all nice with no salt stains -and their interior fluff is still nice and fluffy. I don’t know if maybe it’s just me, but I am such a klutz! (For those of you non Jewish term friends of mine, a klutz is a clumsy or stupid person this according to the dictionary, not me.) I always manage to walk into puddles, or wear them on the one day in the fall that it snows and then I get salt stains all over them. Anyway, Uggs last me 6 months, when they last the normal Ugg-Wearer 6 years?

2) In the fall comes Halloween. Halloween is my second least favorite holiday of the year. November 1st is my most hated day of the year. Half Price Candy Day. When all the delicious ungodly Halloween mini treats go on sale. Who even invented the whole knocking on peoples door and getting cute bite-sized candy? Why is Halloween a time when stores become filled with yummy snack sized delicious chocolate bars and candies. It’s like those candies are trying to haunt me and make it a scary Halloween for me- how rude! Just saying!

3) Also, in the fall, right before the ungodly snow comes, I’m in denial about winter coming, so I still stick with my summer wardrobe. Since I sweat like a horse in church, I think it works out perfectly for me and I’m happy about it. I still get stares, but it’s because I’m pretty.

Spring:

I hate spring for one reason, and one reason only. It’s gym season. I am fat. I hate the gym. The gym makes me feel like I am an asthmatic old lady on a treadmill dying a slow and painful death. I can only imagine how special I look when I’m working out. Before I go out in public, I usually make an effort, to put on some makeup, brush my hair, look presentable. When it comes to the gym, it’s just like I didn’t even try, and I’m in there to be miserable! I mean, I know it’s good for me and all, but I just don’t like it. I don’t like running because everything wiggles and jiggles and I just look like I should be in the circus. I will stop being so hard on myself now- If I can like doing one thing at the gym it would be weight lifting. I seriously enjoy doing weights though. I look in the mirror, and I see my exposed collar bones, and my muscles in my arm coming in, and then I’m all like “Ok, I guess I like it”. I guess at the end of the day I can’t really make up my mind about the gym. I love it, but I hate it. It’s good for me, but it’s … good for me.

Winter

1) Ungodly winter. Winters in Canada are not fun. Winters in general are not fun. Unless you’re a snowman and you like to freeze and get frostbites all day, then winter is super fun! As I am still in denial about the seasons changing, I do not dress properly for the winter. I continue to wear leggings, and t-shirts, and see-through blouses. Winter does not look good wardrobe wise. When I actually need to dress for winter, I usually end up wearing capes and moomoos. It’s nothing attractive-trust me.

2) I like to bake. Because I’m hibernating for three months until the spring comes, I take it upon myself to turn into Betty Cocker. I bake everything. I don’t even like sweet foods since surgery, but I just like baking and to see what my delicious treats come out like- and then post a picture on Instagram, because that’s how I roll-obvi! . I don’t like COOKED treats, but I do like to lick the bowls and spoons when I’m done.

3) Winter sucks. I prefer to sweat

 

I could just be a really angry person, or I could just hate all seasons. Either way, I’m Jewish, and still technically obese, so I like to complain and I kinda have a lot of right to.

 

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#cleaneating


So lately, all I see on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, is people eating “clean” and “healthy”. I really don’t know what this means, but I have a pretty good idea. Clean eating; we should eat and drink windex, mr.clean, vim, right? I get it, no McDonalds, no Wendy’s, basically nothing fried? I kind of want to fit in, so I’m getting really annoying on all social media websites, and adding pictures of everything I eat, and the food I don’t finish. When it comes to taking my instagram shots, no matter the angle, or lighting, somehow my food pictures always manage to look like puke on a plate. However, I’ve managed to go along with the whole clean eating thing, and I can make a bagel and a hard boiled egg look fantastic!  I kind of feel good, and really happy that I’ve gotten through 2 days. I have to say though, I know I should feel great and really happy and more energized, but every time I walk by that unholy vending machine, I just want to stick my hand in and take one of those White Chocolate Kit Kat Bars. I’m still trying to figure out how to walk by it and not get Helga aroused.

I’m not going to lie, I kind of really enjoy packing lunches now. I feel like a Mommy preparing lunches for the kiddies, except it’s me packing my lunch full of snacks and different food merchandise. Healthy eating, and preparing can be a little fun, I guess!

I’m going to try this new fun thing where I add my daily menu to the blog, and see if that helps in motivating me.

Breakfast:

– 1/4 bagel

– 1 hard boiled egg

– 1 pcs. provolone cheese

Snack: (the best part of my day)

– Tuna & Crackers snack pack

Lunch:

– 3 oz. smoked turkey

– 15 almonds

– 1 cucumber

Afternoon Snack: (Second best part of my day)

– Activia Yogurt

– 100 Calorie Pack of Cookies

Dinner: (currently being crocked in the pot)

– meatballs stuffed with an insane amount of spinach in tomato sauce

 

I’m well aware that there’s a lot of food going on here, however, since my weight hadn’t moved in a long time, I decided to switch the diet up a bit to see if anything would change. Obviously the two snacks weren’t the greatest option, however, when I have lunch at 12, it’s easy to get hungry bored during the day. Between 1-5 those are my two snacks. It may be bad, but at least I’m not shoving a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese down my throat.

 

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Helga, Helga, Go Away!


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It’s time for Helga to go away and to never come back. Her funeral will be held tomorrow morning at 9:00 am. RIP big girl.

Helga is driving me up the wall and all she wants to do is to sabotage my life. I swear, if she bugs me one more time to walk to the kitchen, I’m going to slap the fat out of her. People look at me in public because I’m always yelling at her; maybe I shouldn’t have stopped my crazy pills. But that’s a discussion for another day.

It’s not that I’m hungry, or that I’m bored. I really don’t know what it is. Helga tells me to eat, so I do. I still sometimes forget that I was surgified, and Doctor removed my stomach. Sometimes I wish I would just have more control. It’s so hard to just wake up one morning and just give up your love for food. That just doesn’t happen in the real world. I am so envious of all these healthy fit people who post their Instagram and Pinterest pictures about how healthy they are, and look at their abs. Good for you, but b!@#, I’m jealous. I know I’ve lost over 40 pounds, but I’ve been at the same place for almost three weeks, and can’t seem to get out of that evil number that haunts my dreams. I want to stand up to Helga and tell her to eff off because she does nothing for me, but keep me in the same sad fat place I’ve been for a long time.

I just wish I could break that evil number and just get on with my life. Helga, you are not wanted. Let me do this on my own.

Another Big Thank You


So, I just stuffed myself, not realizing that I just had my entire stomach removed, and now I feel like I’m going to barf. So before I go ahead and do that, I wanted to say thank you again to everyone that has been so crazy nice to me during this whole thing. My Mommy Ronnie Ginger, I’m sorry I was mean to you at the hospital, you just like to touch me a lot, and when I’m in a lot of pain, I just want to be left alone. Also, I don’t like when you compare me to Grandma Gillian. To Manny Ginger, thank you so much for everything, and spending the day at the hospital to keep Ronnie company. I loved my Teddy Bear, and it was nice to have something fuzzy to sleep with at night while all I heard was coughing and yelling in the hallways. Thank you to Donald Chow for staying until nighttime and coming back at 6:00 am to watch me walk the halls looking for a popsicle. Thank you to Holly Netherwood, Barbara Candyland, Rhoda Clarice Greenberg Adams for checking on me so much and making sure I was ok. Thank you to the nice nurses that medicated me just when I needed it, and of course the nurse that came to burp me when I thought I was near death. Thank you to Auntie Shonda Clementine and Auntie Candy Vagine who came over the same week of my surgery to clean my entire apartment from top to bottom; which I still kept clean by the way. Thank you to my Grandma Gillian for making me chicken soup, and my Papa Zack that calls me everyday just to hear my voice. Thank you Margaret Steinberg and Dale Morganstein who came to visit me in the hospital and witnessed my infectious IV getting taken out. Dale, that was really sweet of you to hold my hand while Donald was gone. Thank you Morris Levenstein who took the time everyday to send me a nice message and cheer me on with my progress. Thank you everyone at work today that made me feel extra popular and cool and came up to talk to me today and kept telling me how great I looked (Keep it coming, by the way). Thanks to everyone who likes all my selfie pics on Instagram on Facebook. I’m cool like that.

A huge thank you goes out to all that have contacted me, it truly means a lot to me… the littlest things have the greatest impact.