Big Tummy, Little Legs


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I’ve said it a hundred times, and I will say it ten thousand more times: I have the best legs ever. My legs make me feel like a pretty skinny person. My legs are probably eight feet long, are a wonderful shade of tan, and are in the best shape ever. I have no jigglies, and I have no cellulite. I think I have my fat to thank for my beautiful legs. If it weren’t for my fat stomach, my legs wouldn’t be in such great shape. Think about it!! My legs have so much weight to carry around, how can’t they be so fantastic? I’ll stop bragging about my hot legs. While I got amazing legs, I got a teeny tiny bum. My bum now, at 25, is probably the same size as baby North Wests at 5 months old. Anyway- too bad for me.

Here are a list of reasons why it sucks to have a tiny butt:

1) I can’t take really cool selfies at the gym like all those other girls do, and show how hard I worked out my butt

2) When I do take a selfie, and it’s a side selfie, I look like Gumby

3) Jeans are not my friend. When I wear jeans, I look like I’m wearing uncomfortable sweatpants

4) I look ridiculous and not proportional. How can someone with such a huge stomach have such a small butt? I’m not normal looking.

Those are just some things, the list can go on and on. However, instead of complaining about the butt I don’t have, I choose to talk about the fantastic legs I do have. So I have these great legs, right. But I absolutely hate working them out. They get enough of a workout all day, and I can just complain about anything and everything. Anyway, I have this thing with ranting, and that’s what I’m doing. So now I’m shutting up about my legs. So, what comes with skinny, boney legs? A boney butt? When I sit on chairs, I need something with extra padding, or else I get uncomfortable and sit like I need to go poop. You know the dance you do when you’re sitting on a chair and you don’t want to poop yourself? Yup, that’s how I look. If anyone knows where I can get portable chair sized egg shell foam mattress things, please let me know so I can sit comfortably.

I’m going to go do some squats now.

 

 

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Holy Leggings!!


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Seeing as a fat plump girls best friend are her leggings, I am proud to say that I own a WHOPPING ELEVEN PAIRS. Not much, I know, I threw out seventeen earlier this year. Eleven and seventeen is twenty-eight, I’m a hoarder. Anyway, the reason why I threw them out is because my mommy made me! No, I lied, she didn’t… however, she did hint that I should get rid of them.  How is it that I could have the worlds skinniest legs and prettiest face, and still have the most holes in my pants between the leg area. Is it just me that has that problem? I do not find it necessary to buy $1000 yoga pants with a glare just so that I don’t get holes in my leggings, I want Forever 21 $5.50 leggings that don’t get holes! Is that too much to ask for! Does Barb have the same struggles I do?