A Note To Skinny Girls


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Dear Young Skinny Children of Elementary School,

Be nice to the awkward funny fat kid. If not, your life will be hell. If you think calling that plump little girl or boy some sort of disease, or feel like making fun of them to make you feel better about yourself, shut up, turn around and stop. Fat people are just like you, fat people have feelings too. Don’t sit there and make fun of an innocent little fat kid just because you want to feel better about yourself. Just because you’re having a terrible time at home, and you’re the outcast of your own family, doesn’t mean you need to take it to the playground and put it on someone else.

In elementary school, specifically grade two, I remember that shorter “friend”, who decided it would be nice to make “Helga**Germs” a trending topic around school. Are you serious you shrimp, just because you’re three feet tall, you’re going to take out your anger on the girl who’s ten times prettier than you’ll ever be? Look at you now,  and now look back at me… I’m happy, you’re in the same sad place you were years ago. Also, I would really appreciate it if you gave me back my play-doh you stole from my desk in grade 4. I know it was you, your eye does this wonky thing when you lie.

Skinny children everywhere, listen to my inspirational words. Don’t make fun of those fat awkward kids, they’re going to be your bosses in twenty years from now.

Signed,

Getting there skinny girl

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Another Note To Skinny Girls


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We all have that friend that eats like a horse but still weighs like twelve pounds. I know a bunch of them, actually to be honest, most people I know are like that except me. I guess I just have a very very snail like slow metabolism. Anyway, you know what I hate more about friends that eat like horses and weigh twelve pounds? The ones that say while eating that they really need to lose ten pounds. HOW DARE YOU. Me, while I sit there with my disgusting leaves and vomitrocious salad dressing, actually its not even salad dressing, its like pouring acidic garbage juice over tree leaves and eating it. Blech. Anyway, so I’m eating this thinking I’m all healthy, when this skinny b#$^* eating fries and a cheeseburger next to me tell me she’s so fat.  Yes Barb, I’m talking about you! FYI: I hate you. I’d love a cheeseburger right now.

Duffy


Duffy is my brother. Yes, that’s his real name, no he is not a puppy. Anyway, my little brother is one year, eleven months and one day younger than me, let me tell you, he wasn’t always so little. Anyway, this little kid stole all my parents attention when I was just two years old. When he was born he was so fat, he really looked like one of those Guiness World Record fattest babies of the year (sorry Duff). I think at one point when I was four and he was two he weighed more than me. Anyway, I love my brother, but I can’t stand him. He weighs I think 130 pounds, 5″10, and will only eat health food. He’s such a loser. I mean, if you’re that thin, go ahead and eat all the food you want! But it wasn’t always like that, he used to only eat greasy, fried, fat food, the healthy thing only started recently.

I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t for his muscles, he would weigh 110 pounds. Anyway, he got the good genes. Not fair…Image