Eff The Scale


I’ve come to the conclusion that the scale is a big fat bully. This stupid, glass, square shaped ass looks at me every time I pee and just wants me to stand on it and upset me.  Donald bought this super fancy one that tells you you’re fat, tells you how much oxygen you have, and then sends a notification to your phone reminding you how fat you are. First of all, once I get on the scale, that’s enough, I don’t need to get a little reminder with that number on my phone! How rude… Oxygen? Really?…I’m fine! 

 

So, I started this new thing and I’ve been doing it for about a week and it’s magical! I’ve started to measure my weight loss in the form of compliments rather than in the form of a stupid number. This past week, I have had one person say “I can’t believe what you look like today compared to what you used to look like“, ( I mean, I know I look a lot better, but I was never so hideous you couldn’t look at me!) for that compliment, I will take off 2.1 pounds. Then two days later, someone else said how thin my face got- another pound there! Measurements in compliments is way more effective than getting on some stupid box. By the way scale making people, perhaps you should make a scale that gives you compliments like; ” Good Morning Beautiful” or “You Look Nice Today”, what’s the point of these mean numbers anyway?

So from now on, I will keep eating my vegetables, and all you nice friendly people around me can keep the nice comments coming… I’m listening!!

The Cockiest Post I’ve Ever Written


If you are the type of person that does not like to read about ones cockiness, or doesn’t want to read about someone being obsessed with themselves, then do not read on.

 

No seriously, I warned you… don’t read.. I’m about to go bananas about how much I love myself.

 

Being awkward was kind of always my thing. I was abnormally tall, abnormally fat, and abnormally loud. While most people think I gave off this image of this insanely fun person, and someone who was happy all the time, I really hated myself. I should have been an actress because I’ve been playing the same role for the last 25 years. So on that note, I’m not acting anymore, I love me. I am so happy with me, I am so beautiful, I walk around with this obnoxious walk all day shaking my thang because I want everyone around me to look at me and say “damn girl, you not only look good, but you also look like you feel good girl… damn!”

I wore my super cool pants today, and I wasn’t surprised when everyone told me how great I looked. For the people who didn’t compliment me first thing when they saw me, I made sure to make it a point to them that I was wearing my new jeans today, and gave this face so they knew they had to compliment me.

Anyway, that’s all the cocky I could get, maybe in 40 pounds I’ll be twice as annoying!

xoxo

Forty pounds lighter pleasantly plump girl

I’m Hillary-ous!


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I like to think of myself as quite a funny person. I’m not sure if I’m so funny because I’m making up for the fact that I’m so much fat(ter) than everyone else, but I have such a great sense of humor that it’s actually sick (not like vomit comet sick, but like fun amazing sick). I’m so funny in fact that Katelynn Fondly named me Hillary-ous. It stuck for a while, until it started to sound like a disease. I’ve made it a personal life goal to make everyone around me laugh. Lately, it’s been quite easy, but before I was just a clown. My mom always hated when I would laugh like a hyena. She told me that because my presence was so large that everyone around would notice me first and I would always make strange noises and a spectacle of myself. My mom would never let me laugh, it was so mean. I snorted, so that made me look like a pig, my whole body would jiggle when I found something really funny, and then when I laughed it sounded like a dying horse was have a seizure in my mouth. Actually now that I remember all of that, no wonder she didn’t want any attention on my hideous laughing fits.

My biological father says that I got his sense of humor. However, he doesn’t know me at all, and I haven’t learned a thing from him, so I think I just got it on my own, or learned it on YouTube. Maybe that’s why I’ve never really liked alcohol. People drink to have a good time and to act like baboons, but I have a great time on my own just sipping on good ol’ diet Pepsi. Not liking alcohol has given me a lot more money to spend on food in the past.

Maybe drinking would have been a good hobby for me instead of all you can eat Chinese?

 

Stop Saying Nice Things


People keep telling me how good I look, and how much has face has swelled down. STOP! The more you tell me I look good, the more I think I can eat more and think I look fine as it is. I want to have one of those crazy dramatic weight losses where no one can recognize me. I want my reveal to be something like on The Biggest Loser.

It’s crazy to think that a fat girl wouldn’t want someone complimenting them telling them how great they looked. I must have some sort of chemical imbalance in my head, but maybe I’m also just being realistic.

I checked the scale today, news flash– I’m still fat. What’s craziest is that I don’t even see any change in me, aside from my awesome collar bones. I don’t see myself shrinking, I don’t see my face de-plumping- nothing.

No more compliments until you can’t recognize me. Capeche?

A Note To Skinny Girls


Dearest Skinny Girls,

I hate you. Kidding. I don’t like you. Kidding. Why did you guys get so lucky and I’m still stuck barely able to walk to the bathroom after a HUGE lunch. I sometimes wish I was the girl that was able to leave stuff over on my plate. I sometimes do, but then by the end of that plate staring me in the eye, I finish the entire thing. My mom taught me a very special trick and a young age- pour diet coke all over your food so you don’t eat it. Hey Mom, I like the taste of french fries and Diet Coke… yummay!

Do skinny girls not finish their food for attention? Or because they’re cheap and want to save the leftovers for lunch the next day? Or are they closet eaters? Someone explain it to me!

My Resolution


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My New Years Eve was pretty awesome, I spent it with Margaret Steinberg, Donald Chow and Donovan Morganstein. We went for some fresh cow, I had french fries, because it’s new years, and I want to celebrate in style. We went back to their house, and we had some delicious cookies, macaroons, and Barb’s homemade cupcakes. I had no idea she sold her baked goods to Costco. Good for her! I wish I had that kind of talent. Since it’s New Years, I decided that I should make a New Years Resolution Post. My Blog is pretty much a rant about how much I hate skinny people. Which isn’t nice because I’m sure they have fatter bigger issues than I do. My only issue is looking like the Michelin Man. Behind all the belly shirts, short shorts and perfect hair, I’m sure there’s a sad sad person. Obviously, it’s January 2nd, so here I am with my New Years Resolution. Everyone needs to have one. Instead of making it, I want to be skinny, I want to lose weight, I want to go to the gym, I want to get engaged blah blah blah, instead, I would like to be the girl that fat girls blog about. I want people to hate me for feeling perfect, and walking with pride and being happy all the time. That’s my resolution. If all the other things come with it, then I’ll be a happy little chipmunk.

A Note To Skinny Girls


Last week I was a little, very mean to the skinny girls. My apologies. Well not really, but I’ll say I am so you continue to read my hilarious blog. Anyway, I know skinny people have feelings too and it hurts their feelings when people make fun of their skininess, it’s the same for fat people. Except in elementary school you’re part of the cool crowd and no one makes fun of you for being the skinny kid who can’t run to first base in soccer baseball; only the fat kids who kick the ball in the opposite direction and can’t make it to first without being smacked by the ball get made fun of. So, because skinny girls were mean to me in school, it’s my turn to retaliate. If you don’t like it, I don’t care. Anyway, so this whole new “loose fitting” clothing is in style, and I was beginning to think that all these big names were making clothes for the fatty boombas plump girls. Anyway, these loose fitting shirts, fit me perfectly, and I’m starting a new trend. Skinny people have it so easy. Everything looks so good on them. Even if it’s too tight it looks good. I got yelled at when I tried to wear a belly shirt at twelve. What did I know? I thought it was cute