The Cockiest Post I’ve Ever Written


If you are the type of person that does not like to read about ones cockiness, or doesn’t want to read about someone being obsessed with themselves, then do not read on.

 

No seriously, I warned you… don’t read.. I’m about to go bananas about how much I love myself.

 

Being awkward was kind of always my thing. I was abnormally tall, abnormally fat, and abnormally loud. While most people think I gave off this image of this insanely fun person, and someone who was happy all the time, I really hated myself. I should have been an actress because I’ve been playing the same role for the last 25 years. So on that note, I’m not acting anymore, I love me. I am so happy with me, I am so beautiful, I walk around with this obnoxious walk all day shaking my thang because I want everyone around me to look at me and say “damn girl, you not only look good, but you also look like you feel good girl… damn!”

I wore my super cool pants today, and I wasn’t surprised when everyone told me how great I looked. For the people who didn’t compliment me first thing when they saw me, I made sure to make it a point to them that I was wearing my new jeans today, and gave this face so they knew they had to compliment me.

Anyway, that’s all the cocky I could get, maybe in 40 pounds I’ll be twice as annoying!

xoxo

Forty pounds lighter pleasantly plump girl

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O-M-G!


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I am now officially twenty days into this new lifestyle change, and have taken off 26 pounds. While that may be a whole lot of weight for a normal person, I don’t seem to notice much of a difference. However, last night something huge happened, out of this world huge! So I’m getting into bed, and before I do, I do my usual routine ; I brush my teeth, wash my face, get ready, then lastly, I get on the scale, check the mirror to see if I notice any changes. I didn’t really notice anything until I saw what I’ve been waiting forever for– MY COLLAR BONES ARE COMING IN! I swear, and it wasn’t like I needed to make a duckface Facebook picture from an awkward angle to get my collar bone to show. It was just there, naturally, without me trying. I could lie to everyone and say that I went to bed right away and didn’t make a big deal, but I’m no liar. I did a fashion show at 1:30 am to see which of my clothes would show off my new bony friends, and proceeded to google collar bones and then Facebook stalk some skinny girls. The slight visibility is not me saying I have lost all this weight, but I am just so thrilled and things are actually working. To all you “normal” people, having collar bones is probably just a normal thing and you don’t really care, and I’m sure you find a reason to hate them, like you hate everything else about yourself (sorry, fat girl is coming out again), but to me this is HUGE. I have never been more thrilled.

I need to go warm up some of Mama’s Homemade Pureed Soup….Yum!

Nervous Nelly


As nervous as I am about my upcoming surgery. I think what I am most nervous about is what I’m going to look like afterwards. I know I have to get one of those shower caps on my head right before; so I’ll probably look like a funky troll. But then what happens after when I’m all groggy and makeup-less. Who am I kidding though, I’m usually makeup-less but it’s because I’m just a supermodel. Anyway, I hope when all my visitors come to see me (I know there will be a lot, send me your info, I will let you know my room number) that my hair and makeup are done perfectly. Too bad Donald Chow doesn’t know how to put my makeup on for me.

On a more serious note, I think I am a little nervous, because I don’t want the doctors to have to cut me open. I have been working so hard at this liquid diet. I mean, so hard that I had to move back in with Ronnie Ginger for a week, so she could “babysit” me through my diet– now THAT’S dedication! I’m thirteen pounds down in just eight days. Who knew this liquid diet would help me lose an entire butterball turkey off my body!

Anyway, 4 Days!

A Note To Skinny Girls


Hey Skinny Girls,

Are you ready to have a new friend soon? I don’t understand the skinny girls that can go all day just drinking a tea and saying they’re not hungry.  I really thought I was going to pass out yesterday for eating nothing but vomit smelling protein shakes, but I did it. Nine days to go! I hope that when I start losing weight that skinny girls won’t be mad at me for all the horrible things I said about them. I know that I will wear a Canada Goose jacket too, and I’ll be a lot colder next year because I won’t have any layers of fat to protect me. One thing I can promise plump girls everywhere, is that I will not be the type of skinny healthy girl that complains how ugly I feel or how much I really need to lose weight.

So far, on day three of liquid diet, I am four pounds down! Each day I am getting more and more friendly and less like a grumpy hungry girl.

Love Always,

Soon to be skinny healthy girl

A Word Worse Than Moist


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I cringe and grind my teeth the moment I hear someone use the word moist. There’s just something so gross and yucky about this word. Hard to imagine that there could be a word worse than moist, however, I think I got it… DIET. I hate it. Notice how the inventor of the word secretly put the word “die” in there? It’s torture. Like actually. Diets deprive you of food, make you unhappy, make you lose friends, because you can’t go to movies and eat fat people popcorn, or go out for fun greasy meals at 3:00am.  Diets all do the same thing…at the end, all lead to the same result… a big fat failure. As a person who loves food, it becomes hard to diet after every twenty pounds you put on. Instead of going to the gym I just want to try out this new all you can eat sushi place, or go see the newest movie with buttery popcorn (and now they give you these toppings for free, yummy) Anyway, that summer when I went away to fat camp, I kept telling myself the same thing over and over again “Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels” I will stick by that.

I’m Sick


Hey Y’all, 

So I’m not sure if its sad that I enjoy being sick. The doctors say its gastro or the flu, who knows, whatever it is, it isn’t pleasant. I spent Saturday night in the hospital with an IV, it wasn’t fun. They put me on this metal board to sleep on, while all the skinny folks got real hospital beds with rails.  Anyway, after my first day of regurgitating all food that entered my system, I was thrilled to get on the scale the next morning. I was so happy to see that I had lost four pounds. Now, I want to go to the fridge and eat everything in sight. However, I know that I will probably hate myself later for it. My mommy made me the yummiest chicken soup, I was so upset when I was only able to eat one bite, because it’s just so deliciously yummy and you can tell it was made with love. Back to bed for now. If anyone wants to come take care of me, I’ll forward you my address and give you a mask! 

Duffy


Duffy is my brother. Yes, that’s his real name, no he is not a puppy. Anyway, my little brother is one year, eleven months and one day younger than me, let me tell you, he wasn’t always so little. Anyway, this little kid stole all my parents attention when I was just two years old. When he was born he was so fat, he really looked like one of those Guiness World Record fattest babies of the year (sorry Duff). I think at one point when I was four and he was two he weighed more than me. Anyway, I love my brother, but I can’t stand him. He weighs I think 130 pounds, 5″10, and will only eat health food. He’s such a loser. I mean, if you’re that thin, go ahead and eat all the food you want! But it wasn’t always like that, he used to only eat greasy, fried, fat food, the healthy thing only started recently.

I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t for his muscles, he would weigh 110 pounds. Anyway, he got the good genes. Not fair…Image