I Heart Jewlidays


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As most people might know from my tone, and bad attitude towards food and my loud obnoxious demeanor – I am Jewish. I’m not  a JAP (Jewish American Princess…duh), because I never really fit into that category. I always wanted to bake and lick the raw  cupcake batter from the bowl instead of going to school dances to meet boys and do my makeup and fun stuff like that.

Anyway, this week is Passover. The week without bread. Every skinny girls dream when it comes to dieting, right? Last night, this huge feast is placed in front of me, and for the first time in like EVER, I didn’t put myself into a food coma like all the years before. I took a little bit of everything and I had a little taste test party, by myself while everyone else around me was eating as if it were their last meal on earth. Ronnie Ginger even sat next to me, and we conversated and talked about life and love and food. Fat Hillary wouldn’t let that happen, but New Hillary was all like, “come sit next to me Mama and watch me eat”. I kind of also felt like a superstar. Everyone was looking at me, and complimenting and saying how good I looked. Then there was question and answer period when everyone wanted to hear about ME, ME, ME! This is like a totally new feeling for me. Old me would be so insecure and think that people would always be watching and judging, but new me was the life of the party and I made sure everyone knew what I was doing, but most of all, knew that I was having a great time!

When desert came around, I raised my large arm and said “yes, I want one please”. No more deprivation; I didn’t go crazy, I had like two bites, I swear, it’s all about moderation!

I am the most comfortable I’ve been in so long, and I am so happy! Round Two tonight!

A Note To Skinny Girls


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Dear Skinny Girls,

I’m sorry that I’m mean to you and say mean things. I’m sorry that I say things that hurt your feelings. You just got blessed with the lucky genes, and my mother married a ferocious beast who was a jolly giant, and I got his genes. I shouldn’t be taking my problems out on you. You are all nice people. Well most of you- except for the ones that complain that they’re ten pounds too heavy while they’re eating a super bacon deluxe cheeseburger supreme. Anyway, I’m sure one day I will grow out of this 25 year fad, and become the skinny, healthy princess I have always wanted to be. All my fairytale dreams will come true, and I will live in fairytale land with my fairytale husband, and kids and mansion and fairytale chocolate fountain.

This year will be my year, and I know that I am ready to accomplish anything when it comes to my weight loss. I will sit with the skinny girls at lunch and complain about how fat I am, and I will love it.

 

Signed,

Fat girl for now.