Eff The Scale


I’ve come to the conclusion that the scale is a big fat bully. This stupid, glass, square shaped ass looks at me every time I pee and just wants me to stand on it and upset me.  Donald bought this super fancy one that tells you you’re fat, tells you how much oxygen you have, and then sends a notification to your phone reminding you how fat you are. First of all, once I get on the scale, that’s enough, I don’t need to get a little reminder with that number on my phone! How rude… Oxygen? Really?…I’m fine! 

 

So, I started this new thing and I’ve been doing it for about a week and it’s magical! I’ve started to measure my weight loss in the form of compliments rather than in the form of a stupid number. This past week, I have had one person say “I can’t believe what you look like today compared to what you used to look like“, ( I mean, I know I look a lot better, but I was never so hideous you couldn’t look at me!) for that compliment, I will take off 2.1 pounds. Then two days later, someone else said how thin my face got- another pound there! Measurements in compliments is way more effective than getting on some stupid box. By the way scale making people, perhaps you should make a scale that gives you compliments like; ” Good Morning Beautiful” or “You Look Nice Today”, what’s the point of these mean numbers anyway?

So from now on, I will keep eating my vegetables, and all you nice friendly people around me can keep the nice comments coming… I’m listening!!

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A Note To Loud Chewers


Dear Loud Chewers of the world,

It’s time I come clean, and stop sitting here in silence and taking this abuse…I’m still not over the whole chewing with your mouth open thing. It’s really bothering me, and has been for the last 25 years of my life. Why is it necessary to chew like a horse, breathe like a behemoth and lick your fingers like curly sue? Actually, you don’t sound or look like curly sue, just a buffalo who’s hungry and has resorted to eating fingers. It’s so ugly! Was I the only one that was brought up to chew quietly and normally. I am not interested in hearing what your loud mouth has to offer. I also, don’t like when you spit your food on me. It’s rude, and impolite, and you should not be marching over to me with a buffet of food in your mouth. I like Niagra Falls, not Foodagra Falls, thank you very much.

If my mom taught me how to chew properly, then you can do it too. I will be giving tutorials, at a low rate of $5 an hour. It’s called Hillarys-School-Of-Learning-To-Chew-With-Your-Gross-Mouth-Closed-School-Of-Etiquette.

Thanks so much, and have a lovely day.

Goodbye.

A Note To Skinny Girls


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Dear Skinny Girls, 

I finally know what it’s like to be in your shoes and to be made fun of for our stick figures. 

There are mutliple forms of eating disorders. While the two most common ones may be anorexia and bulimia, there’s also binge eating disorder, pica syndrome, or even compulsive overeating. 

Let’s just go over a few things:

Anorexia: No food intake. Seriously, even eating a cracker makes the anorexic suffer. I don’t suffer from this, because I like to eat, and I get headaches when I don’t eat anything for two hours at a time. 

Bulimia: binge eating followed by purging. Even if I tried to do this, I wouldn’t be able to, because my tiny banana sized stomach can’t even handle one little piece of food. 

Pica syndrome: wanting to eat non food items. Ie- tin cans or bits of string. I cannot eat tin cans specifically because that would tear my stomach and then I’d be back at square one, and would be back on the table with  Dr. McDreamy. 

Compulsive Overeating: Do I need to say more? Eating until the point we get sick. While this is not characterized as an eating disorder as of yet, it should be. I used to be a compulsive over eater, I have learned to control myself, and I am happy to say that I am just a regular eater as of now. 

I used to judge people, and call them anorexic and not think about how it could affect peoples feelings. I know that I didn’t like being called “fatass or fatty” or any of those mean names. I apologize to the people that I’ve hurt, and I take back what I said. I don’t like being accused of being something that I’m not. 

I guess I learned my lesson the hard way! 

Finally Fitting In


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OK, don’t hate me, but I’m going to get all mushy for a second. I was out last night with Donald and his coworkers; Carla, Mr. La Hyman, Willow, Adamo and Sasha. For the first time since I was able to like speak, I finally felt “normal”. I know, I know, there is no such thing as normal, and everyone is special in their own special way. No, whoever made that up (Oprah, probably you), you must have been on crack because weird people are weird, and enjoy hanging out with other weird people and don’t feel cool. Popular kids hang out with the popular people, and like to feel like they’re better than everyone else around them. Society made that up, not me. Don’t hate me because I speak the truth. KK, thanks! Ok so anyway, last night,  I totally just felt like I fit in, and I was making jokes and totally felt cool for like that night. I think I’m getting more comfortable with myself.

I hope Donald doesn’t get mad, but I totally saw this dude checking me out when we walked into the bar and he kept giving me googly eyes, and I was all like “yeah, I’m hot, I know it”. I won’t lie, but I totally had “I’m Sexy and I Know it” playing at the time this creeper was checking my hot bod out. Anyway, it boosted up my confidence level a bit, and now I’m totally excited to go out again and be the life of the party.

So when I was fat(ter), I was always super loud, and obnoxious and strange and made really odd sounds, and my mom thought that there was a kind of like, chemical imbalance in my brain. I went to doctors, and they all said the same thing. (I don’t remember, probably that I had ADHHHHHD or something). Dr. Me, has come to the conclusion that I was just masking the pain of being a fat girl. I would do so, by being a loud obnoxious “oaf”. So to try to get the attention off of my body, I would just try to be strange. Anyway, not sure where I’m going with this, but I’m totally able to be loud and obnoxious now, and do it just because I want to, and not because I’m fat and trying to cover being the Michelin Man.

Ps. Hey Skinny Girls,

I love you. We’re BFFAEAE.

xo

Soon-to-be Skinny Girl

A Note To Skinny Girls


Dear Skinny Girls,

I finally know what it feels like to be one of you when it comes to eating. Like yesterday at lunch for example, I had one bite of chicken and then I said “Oh, I’m full”… I felt amazing because I was actually full, and I didn’t need to lie about it and have to starve myself. I’m actually getting a lot of attention now everywhere I go. People say I look good, and that I’m eating so little, and always asking me questions. In twenty-five years, I have never felt so popular. Except for when I was a baby of course and everyone wanted to come up to me and play with me and tell me how beautiful I was and how much I should be a model blah blah blah.

I’m starting to like this new me, this new attitude (even though two days ago I was upset that I can’t eat as much) I’ve seen skinny people that when they lose their popularity, they lose their mind and eat everything in sight, because they’ve never really had the opportunity to enjoy food like a fat girl does… that won’t be the case for me, because I’m starting the skinny girl diet 25 years after you!

Love,

Almost Skinny Girl

Happy Valentines Day To Me


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Valentines Day is a day for single people to be upset they’re alone, fat girls to eat chocolate and watch The Notebook with their friends Ben and Jerry, and girls in relationships not being happy that their boyfriends didn’t send them the right flowers or the right kind of expensive chocolates.

Well, every fat girl loves to get chocolate on Valentines Day. I didn’t get that, not even a chocolate pudding. I got a Vanilla Yogurt though. I couldn’t finish the yogurt, because I was so full from just one bite; well really, it tasted terrible, like rotten cheese. Donald Chow tried his hardest though. We had a great Valentines Day, even though he doesn’t believe in it. We went to the hair salon and I got some crazy blonde highlights. I figured, new me, new hair, why not. The do-master had crazy eyes once I told him he could go crazy and cut off as much as he wanted, and color it whatever color he wanted. They surprised me, and now I feel like a heavier, prettier version of Jennifer Aniston. I’m kind of looking more like my mom. I can’t wait to see the face she gives me when I have to pick her up from the airport tomorrow; it’s either going to be the “what the hell did you do to your hair” face or the “omg, I love it, you look just like your mother” face.

Anyway, this Valentines Day turned out to be amazing for me, because while all you skinny girls were gaining weight with your chocolate covered strawberries, and fancy meals, I got a new hairstyle and I look hotter as each day goes by.

O-M-G!


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I am now officially twenty days into this new lifestyle change, and have taken off 26 pounds. While that may be a whole lot of weight for a normal person, I don’t seem to notice much of a difference. However, last night something huge happened, out of this world huge! So I’m getting into bed, and before I do, I do my usual routine ; I brush my teeth, wash my face, get ready, then lastly, I get on the scale, check the mirror to see if I notice any changes. I didn’t really notice anything until I saw what I’ve been waiting forever for– MY COLLAR BONES ARE COMING IN! I swear, and it wasn’t like I needed to make a duckface Facebook picture from an awkward angle to get my collar bone to show. It was just there, naturally, without me trying. I could lie to everyone and say that I went to bed right away and didn’t make a big deal, but I’m no liar. I did a fashion show at 1:30 am to see which of my clothes would show off my new bony friends, and proceeded to google collar bones and then Facebook stalk some skinny girls. The slight visibility is not me saying I have lost all this weight, but I am just so thrilled and things are actually working. To all you “normal” people, having collar bones is probably just a normal thing and you don’t really care, and I’m sure you find a reason to hate them, like you hate everything else about yourself (sorry, fat girl is coming out again), but to me this is HUGE. I have never been more thrilled.

I need to go warm up some of Mama’s Homemade Pureed Soup….Yum!