The Fat Game


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Being skinny would just be too easy right? Like, eating double cheeseburgers with an extra Big Mac on the side, and not working out would just make my life extremely boring? I seem to think so. With this whole new way of life thing going on, it’s kind of like a crazy game. I’m going to eat one thing and see if it makes me fat the next day. Then I go to the gym, and it’s like I’m in pain from one squat. But it’s a fun game. Being skinny and not having to work for anything would just be boring. It’s also really fun when someone hasn’t seen you in a while and all they do is say “hey, wow sexy fit girl, you look amazing” and then I feel great, because I like a confidence boost every once in a while. I actually like a confidence boost all the time, but we don’t always get what we want.

This gramatically incorrect paragraph above, which really makes no sense, is not me hating on skinny people. More power to you if you can eat a chubby chicken burger and not gain a pound. But doesn’t it get boring? I’m getting off track and I’m being mean. Skinny people are people too. I’m just jealous but their amazing genes.

I should stop my fat thumbs from talking because I’m beginning to ramble about nothing now.

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I Have Cravings, So What?


Today Barbara Candyland and I were abusing our offices e-mail system when we were talking about things we want to eat. Here is a snippet of what went on this afternoon while our stomachs were eating away at themselves….

From: Me

Subject: Things I want

Message:

Poutine

Cookies and cream chocolate bar

Chips

Nachos and cheese

Cheese

An abundance of sushi

Chocolate

More chocolate

Poutine

Julep

To be skinny

 

From: Barbara Candyland

Subject: RE:  Things I want

Message:

Is that in order? Poutine twice? …things I want.

 

TCBY with score and smarties

Nachos with cheese and salsa

Cheese and crackers

Tacos

Chocolate

A veggie burg

Fries

More fries

Fried Dumplings with peanut butter sauce

Sushi

Pad Thai

More nachos

Poutine extra cheese

Ben and jerrys ice cream

Some nuts extra salty

Lettuce wrap

Candy

Liquorish red

Nibbs

Popcorn

Chocolate covered almonds

Lobster risotto

A salad

More fries

A cucumber

Yes, this really happened. Barbara is a twig and I hate that she can say things like that and I won’t think of her as a fat person. Ugh, I should hang out with her more often.

A (Sort Of) Apology To Skinny Girls


My Auntie Manny Ginger and I went to the casino this weekend, and on the way there she mentioned to me that I sounded a little angry and jealous  at skinny people. I just want to clarify that skinny people are not my problem. I do not hate skinny people, and I hold nothing against you for having great genes. Thank your parents and your family for that. I am jealous of the image you give off as being such carefree happy people with no worries in the world. She was right though, when I said I was jealous, that’s true. I wish I was happy with myself, but I’m not. Hopefully this surgery will help me at not being such a bitter person, and not blaming all the skinny people for my problems. I love food, and I brought this upon myself. I am using this surgery as a tool to help me to learn to love me! Christina Hane told me wise words from Whitney: the greatest love of all is learning to love yourself. I know this journey will be rough and tough, and very hard. This surgery is not an easy way out, but it’s a tool that will help me succeed because I have struggled for twenty five years on my own.

All this being said, this doesn’t mean that “A Note to Skinny Girls” will end, or my ranting about skinny people will stop. I still will. I will always be jealous, but I can’t wait to make everyone else jealous of me.

It’s All About The Cheese


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I love cheese. Not a fan of stinky cheese, or the soft cheese, or kraft cheese really (Genius loves Kraft Cheese) Anyway. I like cheese. The end. Cheese is a scary weapon that can kill a fat person. Skinny people will eat cheese too, but at some point, they’re able to stop. I can go and buy an entire block of cheese and eat it in one sitting. I like cheese melted, cold , warm , hard , not soft, not stinky. I’m also madly in love with cheese flavored snacks. Low fat, no fat, partly skim, and skim cheese give a yucky taste in my mouth. I’ve decided that it’s fat cheese or no cheese!  Giving up cheese will be quite hard for me in my quest for weight loss. However, the outcome will be amazing.

Hey Hey Skinny Girls


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Apparently, this post is mean, skinny girls, I love you. I’m just trying to get a bigger following! xoxo

What’s up skinny girls! Happy Friday to you! I’m loving the snow today, how about you? You know, I feel like skinny girls are super cold in the winter. All they have is their bones and stupid fall jackets and uggs that keep their feet cold and wet. I don’t feel sorry for you, eat something you skinny B!@#$, you could use some warmth this winter. You know what I LOVE? Seeing skinny people fall. HA! You skinny people have no balance, you’re all holding onto poles on the side of the road, and freezing your skinny boney bums off. I make natural heat! I just figured it out! That’s why they wear those silly looking Canada Goose jackets. Thanks to my darling friend at work Lucia Bernstein, who gave me a yummy afternoon treat yesterday, my toes were a little bit warmer this morning!  Sucks for you cold skinny people,  this warmth is free, you need to pay hundreds for yours. I WIN!

The Gym Part II


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Listen, I’m all for going to the gym. Actually, not so much, but I’m all for positive attitude about going to the gym. Mine is perfectly located in between old people village and old people city, perfect right? Wrong! I go to my gym and take these classes with old ladies that are ten times more fit than me, and can move their bodies in Zumba that I never thought I would be able to. I thought joining would make me feel better, but these old bubbies just shut me down! I’m tired after the first dance- who am I kidding, I’m a liar, I’ve finished an entire bottle of water and exhausted after the warmup! Story of a fat plump girl. I think different people should attend different gyms. Meaning, there should be a gym for those fat folks, a gym for the stupid lanky looking kids that really aren’t fooling anyone by doing a 0 incline and a speed of 2, a gym for the athletic skinny people who are just there to look in the mirror and look at all the other athletic muscular skinny people and have muscular skinny people chats with each other, and then a gym for the oldies. It’s just so discouraging when I’m on the treadmill and I see this B!@#$ next to me having a jolly old time there just trotting away, no sweat, no messy hair, just a fun flowy run. FYI fun fit girl at the gym with no worries in the world— I hate you.