Eff The Scale


I’ve come to the conclusion that the scale is a big fat bully. This stupid, glass, square shaped ass looks at me every time I pee and just wants me to stand on it and upset me.  Donald bought this super fancy one that tells you you’re fat, tells you how much oxygen you have, and then sends a notification to your phone reminding you how fat you are. First of all, once I get on the scale, that’s enough, I don’t need to get a little reminder with that number on my phone! How rude… Oxygen? Really?…I’m fine! 

 

So, I started this new thing and I’ve been doing it for about a week and it’s magical! I’ve started to measure my weight loss in the form of compliments rather than in the form of a stupid number. This past week, I have had one person say “I can’t believe what you look like today compared to what you used to look like“, ( I mean, I know I look a lot better, but I was never so hideous you couldn’t look at me!) for that compliment, I will take off 2.1 pounds. Then two days later, someone else said how thin my face got- another pound there! Measurements in compliments is way more effective than getting on some stupid box. By the way scale making people, perhaps you should make a scale that gives you compliments like; ” Good Morning Beautiful” or “You Look Nice Today”, what’s the point of these mean numbers anyway?

So from now on, I will keep eating my vegetables, and all you nice friendly people around me can keep the nice comments coming… I’m listening!!

I Can Share Clothes


Yesterday was our family pool party. It was amazing, and I’ve never felt more like the center of attention. My lovely mom was especially friendly to me, especially since she told me that I looked so skinny, and that my skin was so loose. She then dragged me around each and every person to feel my loose skin, to reassure me that it was great and I was doing amazing. Thanks mom!

Another accomplishment, was that I fit into my younger cousins shorts! At first Marla tried to offer me Juanita-Lauritas shorts, which were maybe about ten sizes too small, but then she let me wear hers, and that felt like the biggest accomplishment of all! Ok, before we go all crazy, it wasn’t some fancy jean short type thing with buttons or zippers, yes they were stretchy, and stretchy is my best friend. Ronnie Ginger gave me this face after I came downstairs wearing short shorts, and without giving her usual face, she just said five words that I’ll never forget, that keep sticking with me: “How good does that feel?”. IT FEELS AMAZING! I FEEL AMAZING!

Anyway, today I feel good and slim, and like I can accomplish anything; except run a marathon because I’m really not ready for that just yet.

A Note To Skinny Parents With Overweight Children


Dear parents of overweight children,

While you may think that telling your plump child not to take a bite of that delicious ice cream cone, I urge you to think about the words that are coming out of your mouth, and the consequences they may hold. I myself came from a place where I was always told no (Mom, I’m not mad at you, don’t take it personally- this is strictly for entertainment purposes, and I love you)

I will do my best to prepare a list of things us plump kids hate the most:

1) Do not, I repeat do not, lift our pants up to our chins, and stretch our shirts down to our knees. While you may think we look absolutely marvelous, and slim, we actually look like moronic buffoons. Pants are supposed to be worn at waist level, not boob level, and unless I’m buying a dress, a shirt should be worn just above my pants, and not down to my knees. If you want us to dress like we belong in the circus for overweight children, please dress us in moomoos and tie dye tights.

2) If I want that cheeseburger, I will eat it. Little Henrietta over there may want to devour a delicious yummy double bacon cheeseburger with extra sauce and more meat- and you should let her. If not, she will go and have ten more when you’re not looking. How would you feel about that one, Mama Josephine?

3) Sprinkles and chocolate chips. You know those build your own sundae places? The ones with chocolate chips and sprinkles and whatever else, oh ya, chocolate sauce, and butterscotch sauce, and sauce in general and more chocolate and stuff.  How come the skinny sibling gets to have as much sprinkles and chocolate chips, and the overweight one gets twelve lousy sprinkles! Share the sprinkles, you sprinkle demon! Sprinkles are just sugar, it’s in your benefit to give your overweight child an abundance of sprinkles. They’ll get really crazy, then really tired, and sleep really well, and like magic– you will have a quiet night. So don’t be so mean, and share the sprinkles.

4) Bathing suit shopping. As much as it hurts to tell your child how bad they look in a bathing suit, let them wear whatever they want. One day they will look back at pictures and say to themselves “what was I thinking”, and then they’ll blame themselves and not you. Also, maybe the kids at the pool will make fun of them, and then they’ll ask you for help in the swimsuit department…better that way actually. Now, today I look back at pictures from when I was twelve and ask myself what I was wearing because I looked like a pregnant child in an eighty year old’s bathing suit.

Let kids be kids, fat or skinny, tall or short. I complain a lot about everything, but that’s because I didn’t get a lot of sprinkles, and never got to wear a bikini.

I’ve done all my complaining for the day

Mr. Sun


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I love to tan. I know it’s not good for me, but it seems like it’s the only thing I do enjoyably that keeps me from running to the kitchen. In the summer, some people think I’m not white anymore, and I like to go by different, more ethnic names, because I’m cool like that. My face, shoulders, arms, legs and back are a dark shade of brown, which I like- because dark is slimming.

However, onto quite an important part of my body- my stomach. My stomach has never seen the light. No really. It’s actually whiter than the inside of an Oreo. When I wear nothing, while looking in a mirror (don’t picture it, sorry) I look like a giant Oreo. Seriously, I wish I could describe it, but I won’t. I think the last, or the only time I wore a bikini was when I was two, and was hanging out with my hot skinny self at the beach in Florida. Anyway, this past weekend, I decided that it was time that I expose this white ball of puff to the sunlight. Within minutes, I was instantly burnt. My stomach was instantly attracted to the sun, like they have never met before and they were soul mates. It was like a kid eating candy for the first time, like a skinny person enjoying deep fried food for the first time. It was magnificent. The shower after, however, was far from magnificent. I know I have dark skin, but I really should have put some type of protection on that white pasty bad boy.

Anyway, if I’m being honest. Seeing me with a half tankini on, probably wasn’t a sight to see. But it felt good knowing that laying down, floating in a pool, with half my fat hanging in the water and making me look half skinny, felt amazing.

I’ll keep floating on… with a higher SPF next time. I want to look like a Fudgee-O by next weekend!

The Fat Game


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Being skinny would just be too easy right? Like, eating double cheeseburgers with an extra Big Mac on the side, and not working out would just make my life extremely boring? I seem to think so. With this whole new way of life thing going on, it’s kind of like a crazy game. I’m going to eat one thing and see if it makes me fat the next day. Then I go to the gym, and it’s like I’m in pain from one squat. But it’s a fun game. Being skinny and not having to work for anything would just be boring. It’s also really fun when someone hasn’t seen you in a while and all they do is say “hey, wow sexy fit girl, you look amazing” and then I feel great, because I like a confidence boost every once in a while. I actually like a confidence boost all the time, but we don’t always get what we want.

This gramatically incorrect paragraph above, which really makes no sense, is not me hating on skinny people. More power to you if you can eat a chubby chicken burger and not gain a pound. But doesn’t it get boring? I’m getting off track and I’m being mean. Skinny people are people too. I’m just jealous but their amazing genes.

I should stop my fat thumbs from talking because I’m beginning to ramble about nothing now.

Vacations


Vacations are so much fun. Vacations are especially fun when you get to lather yourself in oil, wear a skimpy bikini, and people watch all the “others” in their swim attire. I have never gotten to experience this type of vacation experience, I have always been the one people looked at with that funny gaze through their ten times too big sunglasses. Two years ago I went to Las Vegas. My mom told me not to go because she said that by being a fat girl, I won’t have as much fun as all the other skinny girls. I mean, I understand now what she meant by that. I spent my entire days from 8-4 hiding behind a tree getting the best sun. While I thought I was getting amazing sun, the truth was, I was hiding my tankini body from the rest of the world because I was embarassed. Everywhere I looked there were skinny girls, and gross looking men. But not like your usual skinny girls, those ultra platinum blonde, boney, gross looking ones. Really unattractive. Since 45 pounds are gone forever off my body, I feel like I should go to the beach again, and truly get to enjoy myself. So what if I don’t look like those models, at least I know I look amazing. 

So, any suggestions for my next vacation? 

A Note To Mike Jeffies, You Nasty Skinny Slimebucket


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So I was recently stumbling through the internet, because sometimes I get bored of making myself laugh. So I’m clicking, and clacking, and then all of a sudden, Facebook goes crazy and all I hear is some crazy talk from some crazy old dude from Abercrombie & Fitch. Fridays posts are usually “A Note To Skinny Girls”. I’m going to change it up a little, and make this one “A Note To Mike Jeffries, You Nasty Skinny Slimebucket”

Before I go any further, I just need to say one thing to all girls and boys out there- Fat girls/boys, Skinny Girls/Boys, “Normal Girls/Boys”, Happy Girls/Boys, do not listen to this man. He does not deserve a voice, and he should not get any attention for his cruel actions. This is the kind of person that will try to tear you down to make you feel better about yourself. This man is cruel, and even and has a monstrous personality. We are better than this individual.

So this ugly Abercrombie executive dude says moronic things during this interviews and makes this dumb statement about “failing companies”: “Those companies that are in trouble are trying to target everybody: young, old, fat, skinny. But then you become totally vanilla. You don’t alienate anybody, but you don’t excite anybody, either.” Excuse me sir, but correct me if I’m wrong. These companies “that are in trouble” are going to make ten times more sales than you ever will, especially after this dumb little stunt of yours. The oogly eyed old fart goes on to say “Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong”.Just a little fun fact for you Mr. Jeffries, my entire life I have struggled to find out who I was, and struggled with weight loss. I have tried so hard to be that cool kid, I have tried so hard to be the attractive all-American (Canadian) kid. You my friend, are a bully. A bully is an individual who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker. I assume no one has ever called you out on your looks? Lucky guy! You have done nothing to make your brand stand out, and  To be quite honest, I’m not sure how you’re one to judge. Have you taken a look in the mirror lately? If you want to go after peoples looks, then I guess it’s my turn to bash you. However, due to the fact that I am a stronger person, and I am a better person, and that I have respect, I won’t stoop down to your level. If you really mean it when you say “I don’t want our core customers to see people who aren’t as hot as them wearing our clothing.” , then maybe you should consider only making your clothes from sizes XXS-S. Normal people such as myself, shouldn’t be wearing your clothes then Mister.

This blog is my place to be open and honest about my weight loss. Yes, I may make fun of a skinny bitch here and there, but it’s all in good fun. This weight loss is for my health, and for disgusting individuals, such as you Mr. Mike Jeffries, you should be ashamed of yourself. Us “fat people” have feelings too. You are a discriminating piece of work and I curse the day you were born (I always wanted to say that). Your company had a good thing going, I really like the perfume, but I guess since I’m fat I shouldn’t be smelling like a skinny All-American kid, right? I am proud of myself, and where I have come. I am proud to weigh over 200 pounds, and I am proud to call myself pretty. I don’t need to shop at some high end, crappy quality store with prostitute looking models.

I wish you nothing but success on your future endeavors. Hey, just one question, what size do you take, jerk?