My life has been spectacular these last couple of weeks! Donald and I took a vacation to Florida two weeks ago. I’m now black, and I must say, it’s extremely slimming. It sucks though because I know I can’t tan every day. I mean, I could always try and find a job selling beach chairs and digging umbrellas in the sand on some private island for fancy tourists, but that’s manual labor, and manual labor and I don’t really mix well together.
Why is it that everything I like doing is bad for me? Food makes me fat, suntanning with oil and Coca-Cola all over my body will cause skin cancer. It’s like I don’t like anything that’s good for me…except pickles. Pickles are amazing snacks.. but now that I think of it, I think they’re really high in sodium and probably bad for me too. So, my weight loss stall has stopped, and things are moving again! In this last month, I have gone down like three cheek sizes on my face, and lost another chin. Ronnie Ginger, my non-abusive-very-loving-but-extremely-critical-mother finally notices a change and tells me every time she sees me that I’m changing and that I’m so pretty! I’ve been talking to myself a lot lately. I remind myself that the candies which are at me straight in the face are dumb and will make my teeth yellow and stomach fat. Now, when I sit in the car, my stomach doesn’t really go anywhere near the steering wheel for the first time in a long time I could see more toes than ever when I look down! I’ve also banned myself from the scale. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m afraid to see what the number is, or because if I get on the scale and lose, I know I’ll treat myself to a cheat day, that will turn into a cheat week, that will turn into fat cheeks and a triple chin. Either way, I know that the scale is not my friend and the only person that can weigh me is my doctor. The scale is evil, not nice.
Life is good, things are looking up, and the scale is going down!
I like to think of myself as a nice person, and a very caring and generous person as well. Since my stomach has dramatically decreased in size, those around me will notice that I love to share the meals and snacks that I cannot finish. It kind of feels nice that I can do that now, because I was always the fat girl picking off other peoples plates, when they were “full”. Anyway, aside from being dandy and sweet and nice and caring, my super sweet self just happens to get annoyed once in a while. People who chew with their mouths open, gum crackers, stinky people etc can make me go bonkers, and I absolutely lose it. What also is really beginning to bug me, is when people hover over me and watch what I eat. Dude, if you just back off and let me enjoy my delicious food in peace, I will give you my leftovers- as long as you are patient and understanding, because it takes me a damn long time to eat and enjoy my meal. And also Sir, may I add that when you make comments like “that looks yummy” or “that smells great” or “I bet that’s mighty delicious in your mouth”, it makes me want to throw the food at your face, rather than share it with you.
The moral of this story, is that, I will give you my leftovers. I will feed you all day long. But please, let me eat in peace. I only get to enjoy three ounces of food per meal, so at least give me that.
I feel so happy that I was able to share my news with everyone. I thought it would be more embarrassing than anything. But, to my surprise, I got nothing but support from everyone around me. People I haven’t spoken to in weeks, months, years wished me good luck and much success on this new chapter of my life.
It’s crazy to think that I’m getting a second chance. Who knows how much more I could have taken, before I ballooned enough to be like Violet from Willy Wonka. With the doctors cutting out my stomach, it’s kind of like a new beginning. I’m starting off like a baby again. The first couple of weeks it’s liquid, soon after, purees, and then I can slowly start on the solid food a couple of months later. Speaking of liquid, I start this liquid diet on Wednesday! I’m more scared than anything because I don’t trust myself to not go to the fridge, and sneak a little something here and a little something there.
I have enjoyed my last weekend of solid food. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I will be able to eat solid food again, however, in decent sized portions, which is something I have never done before. Christina Hane and I went out for Chinese this weekend. It was a GoodBYE to food. I have never felt so sick in my life, and I don’t think i will ever eat Chinese again.
Anyway, I’m beginning to rant…