I Was NOT Born To Dance


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Being a hefty kid, I never really liked to do anything… I was lazier than lazy, if there is such a thing. I didn’t like sports, or to move in any funky ways because I was clumsy in everything I did. I would walk into walls, trip on my feet, look aimlessly into space and ram into strangers everywhere I turned. Anyway, since I was getting chubbier by the day, when I was ten I guess, my mom thought it would be a good idea to enroll me in a dancing class with Rhoda-Clarice and Fanny Wood. Rhoda and Fanny were able to move in all fantastic ways while I would take just one step and hit someone in the face with my giant arms. My presence was always so large. Maybe it was because I was standing in between my two friends, and I was still one foot taller than them– combined. It wasn’t fair. I did not realize my own size and to this day, I can’t dance. Turns out dance class didn’t turn out well for me, as when they gave the diplomas, they put everyone ahead, and instead of holding me back a grade of dancers, they put me with the 5-6 year olds. Maybe that’s why I have no confidence with my dancing?

I went to Zumba last night, and Helga was in my brain thinking of excuses not to go to class. Marg kept asking me if everything was ok. I wish she wouldn’t have, because then I wouldn’t have had time to think of an excuse to get me out of class. HOWEVER, I finished the entire class, and I felt so good! I didn’t even go home and eat a cheeseburger, I ate healthy.

Sometimes I wish Beyoncé would come over and teach me how to dance like her. Damn that girl can moooooove.

Bite Size Portions


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I’m not one for fancy meals. However, I can tell you that I am also not one who enjoys fast food. In the one time that I had a Big Mac, (thanks Holly Netherwood), with every bite I took, I felt as though I was chewing a part of a cows ear. When it comes to fancy restaurants, I like to get dressed up. I must tell you that I am not one of those fancy girls that likes when they serve me the little piece of children’s size fish portion, and a dab of perfectly placed fancy special sauce. What is that? Who actually walks out of these restaurants and says “Oh My God, am I ever full. I am never eating  again”. You’re not full. That’s ridiculous. That’s one bite for a normal person. These meals mostly drive me crazy, because you are forced to eat them throughout an entire hour long meal sitting. One bite sized piece is cold after just five seconds of it being placed in front of you. If I am paying $55 for a hot shrimp, give me a stupid hot shrimp and not a warm shrimp. I’m getting frustrated and hungry all at the same time thinking about this.

I’m thinking all you can eat tonight. Much better than those measly portions. Ew.