It’s Called A DIE(t) For A Reason

The hardest part about being on a strict diet, is knowing you can’t have anything you want. I’ve been on a strict diet for the last seven days, twelve hours, nineteen minutes and twenty seconds (which realistically I should have been on for the last twenty years, but whatevs) and all I can think about is fried food, fat food, sugary food- anything. I don’t even like chicken nuggets, but today, it’s all I can think about. You know those chicken nuggets that say “lightly battered:” on the menu, but then you get them and they’re breaded with an entire loaf of white bread and cooked in an entire tub of extra grease? It’s those that I’m thinking about. Also, pizza. Pizza is a triangular form of deliciousness that can be made in so many delicious ways, and is just so magnificently delicious. I also really like this super weird thing that I don’t mind sharing with the world. Get ready because it is so delicious that you just might eat your computer screen. Ok, so you know when you microwave day old pasta and there’s cheese on top?  When the cheese and pasta gets really crunchy, I enjoy that… like REALLY enjoy. Sometimes I try to burn my food in the microwave because I want the cheese and noodle chips. 

Speaking of delicious can we take a moment to talk about pickles? Pickles are amazing sodium stuffed cucumbers. They’re so crunchy, and really bother the people around you, because you smell like garlic and you’re crunching like a horse. I personally don’t mind hearing myself chew like a horse, but if someone else does it, they will have their fingers chopped off, and I will steal their pickle, just saying. 

Anyway, it’s funny just to say it out loud what I’m thinking about, because in the real world I would never actually eat pizza or deep fried chicken… never ever! It’s like I’m  a teenager who can’t have her little high school crush, they always want what they can’t have. 

Sorry Mr. Nugget, I’m better off without you. 


Chinese Food



My boyfriend, Donald Chow called me yesterday while I was sitting at work starving, he told me that we had a date the next night for CHINESE FOOD! Tonight is the night! I haven’t been eating because I’ve been preparing what I want, I know I will exceed my daily caloric intake, and I know Margie Steinberg is going to be so mad at me when I tell her I can’t go to the gym on Sunday… (sorry). Tonight I want some five spice chicken, salt and pepper shrimps, that fun eclectic ADD looking soup, and fortune cookies. Is it fat of me to plan out my meal 24 hours in advance? I lied when I said I haven’t eaten all day. I had a cookie this morning. It was delicious. I’m not sure what it is about this chinese restaurant that makes me so happy. Is it the waiters that teach me how to count from 1-10 in Cantonese? Or maybe the old bubbies complaining about how they didn’t win Bingo this week? Maybe it’s the garbage bags on the table used as tablecloths. Whatever it is. I love it. Chinese food can bring a smile to my face. Wow, I sound so fat.