Today Barbara Candyland and I were abusing our offices e-mail system when we were talking about things we want to eat. Here is a snippet of what went on this afternoon while our stomachs were eating away at themselves….
Subject: Things I want
Cookies and cream chocolate bar
Nachos and cheese
An abundance of sushi
To be skinny
From: Barbara Candyland
Subject: RE: Things I want
Is that in order? Poutine twice? …things I want.
TCBY with score and smarties
Nachos with cheese and salsa
Cheese and crackers
A veggie burg
Fried Dumplings with peanut butter sauce
Poutine extra cheese
Ben and jerrys ice cream
Some nuts extra salty
Chocolate covered almonds
Yes, this really happened. Barbara is a twig and I hate that she can say things like that and I won’t think of her as a fat person. Ugh, I should hang out with her more often.
I cheated. I’m a big fat cheater. I feel terrible, and now I just want to curl up into a little ball and die in Carrot Caramel Cheesecake Heaven. The lovely 105 pound, Lexi Diggs is working so quietly at her desk with a beautiful piece of Carrot Caramel Cheesecake just staring at her in the face. She literally had this cake sitting on her desk and hadn’t taken a bite out of it. I had walked by about four times to see if she had taken a bite out of it, and nothing had been eaten. If that was me, that bad boy would have done some Houdini magic and that beautiful piece of cake would have disappeared in seconds!
I decided that I would be Fat Hillary and decided to walk over and ask if I could just simply smell her cake. She ever so nicely offered to give me the rest of it, and the skinny girl in me politely said “no thank you”. She persisted, and so, I took it. I took this piece of magnificent art to my desk and began smelling it, then I poked it, and then licked it. I took one bite, and I was hooked, so hooked in fact that I couldn’t quite keep my hands off it. It was like the Brad Pitt of cakes. I took one fat girl bite and then another. Skinny girl butted in, in the middle of my cake eating binge and then, with food all over my face, sitting in a quiet office, I screamed at myself “NO FAT GIRL, PUT THAT CAKE DOWN”. I poured my Crystal Light all over the cake art and threw it in the garbage.
I think it’s good to be able to taste a little bit of everything, but not get too carried away. I mean, I’m a pro at getting carried away, how do you think I got this way? I think being able to take a bite, and then walk away without finishing the cake makes me stronger than I ever was.
Food is not the enemy, it’s just, well food isn’t your friend, but they’re not the enemy.
High school was the first time I was really allowed to be left alone, and spend my own money. I had a summer job, and made a whopping $500 in two months (slave labor wtv). Anyway, going to school downtown, there were funky coffee shops on every corner. Every morning I would stop by this really fun one, where this very eclectic man in different cowboy hats for every day of the week, would give me samples of different cakes to try. This man knew how to run a business because let me tell you, I was there every morning! Anyway, one Tuesday morning, into the second month of high school, and I go to swipe my bank card and it says “INSUFFICIENT FUNDS”. I’m absolutely mortified. That morning, I was very unhappy not to have my coffee.
It turns out that I had spent $500 in two months on fancy coffees, cookies, croissants and along with that, I probably went up two pant sizes. That was when I started wearing Parasuco’s and developed the muffin top with a shirt that was two sizes too small.
Anyway, so my mom made fun of me for being broke and spending all my money on coffee. She told my grandma Gillian about this and to this day, she still questions my spending habits and says “Hillary darling, I hope you’re not spending all your money on those $5 sugar coffees. They’re very bad for you. Your figure doesn’t like them and either does your bank account”
My grandmother and my mother are quite alike, it’s actually quite funny. Very critical.
P.S I wore dark purple lipstick yesterday…. oh boy did she have something to say!