Tummy Jewels



When I was a teenager, I was fat, not like I was six months ago, but like on my way. All my friends were getting belly button rings, and cool earrings and tattoos  and all I wanted was to fit in. One day, I politely asked my mom if I could get my belly button pierced, but she just gave me a face and didn’t really need to say anything. I knew the answer would be no. Instead of going out to the mall to get my belly button pierced behind my moms back, I decided to go to the jewelery store and buy my own tummy jewels. I came home one night and looked up on my dial up internet how to pierce your own belly button.  I got my needle, ring, and alcohol ready! I tried, and tried, but it didn’t work. I was such a chicken. I should have just gone to go see the creepy tattoo man that hits on twelve year olds and have him do it. He never carded anyone. Needless to say, I still have a scar, and it looks pretty funny.

One night I was frustrated because this friend girl knew got a belly button ring. Trust me, she didn’t need it. Her mother should have given her the same face Ronnie gave me, except her mommy went with her and held her hand through the process. Anyway, when she came over that night and showed me that she got one, I had had enough. How is that fair? How is a fellow plumper allowed to get her belly button pierced, but I’m not? Why couldn’t my mom be as cool? What’s up with that Ronnie? After much consideration, I came to the conclusion that Ronnie was right! Seeing a belly button ring on a fat girl was not a pretty sight. It was like a rhinoceros had eaten a hole in her stomach and then grew a little village on her belly. I can’t really explain it, but whatever it was, was a sight to see, or not.

Anyway, I think when I lose all my weight I’m still going to get one. Just for like a day or so. So I can see what it feels like, and so I can also feel confident wearing it and show it off, and not hide it under my sweater capes.


A Note To Skinny Girls



Dear Young Skinny Children of Elementary School,

Be nice to the awkward funny fat kid. If not, your life will be hell. If you think calling that plump little girl or boy some sort of disease, or feel like making fun of them to make you feel better about yourself, shut up, turn around and stop. Fat people are just like you, fat people have feelings too. Don’t sit there and make fun of an innocent little fat kid just because you want to feel better about yourself. Just because you’re having a terrible time at home, and you’re the outcast of your own family, doesn’t mean you need to take it to the playground and put it on someone else.

In elementary school, specifically grade two, I remember that shorter “friend”, who decided it would be nice to make “Helga**Germs” a trending topic around school. Are you serious you shrimp, just because you’re three feet tall, you’re going to take out your anger on the girl who’s ten times prettier than you’ll ever be? Look at you now,  and now look back at me… I’m happy, you’re in the same sad place you were years ago. Also, I would really appreciate it if you gave me back my play-doh you stole from my desk in grade 4. I know it was you, your eye does this wonky thing when you lie.

Skinny children everywhere, listen to my inspirational words. Don’t make fun of those fat awkward kids, they’re going to be your bosses in twenty years from now.


Getting there skinny girl