Mr. Sun


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I love to tan. I know it’s not good for me, but it seems like it’s the only thing I do enjoyably that keeps me from running to the kitchen. In the summer, some people think I’m not white anymore, and I like to go by different, more ethnic names, because I’m cool like that. My face, shoulders, arms, legs and back are a dark shade of brown, which I like- because dark is slimming.

However, onto quite an important part of my body- my stomach. My stomach has never seen the light. No really. It’s actually whiter than the inside of an Oreo. When I wear nothing, while looking in a mirror (don’t picture it, sorry) I look like a giant Oreo. Seriously, I wish I could describe it, but I won’t. I think the last, or the only time I wore a bikini was when I was two, and was hanging out with my hot skinny self at the beach in Florida. Anyway, this past weekend, I decided that it was time that I expose this white ball of puff to the sunlight. Within minutes, I was instantly burnt. My stomach was instantly attracted to the sun, like they have never met before and they were soul mates. It was like a kid eating candy for the first time, like a skinny person enjoying deep fried food for the first time. It was magnificent. The shower after, however, was far from magnificent. I know I have dark skin, but I really should have put some type of protection on that white pasty bad boy.

Anyway, if I’m being honest. Seeing me with a half tankini on, probably wasn’t a sight to see. But it felt good knowing that laying down, floating in a pool, with half my fat hanging in the water and making me look half skinny, felt amazing.

I’ll keep floating on… with a higher SPF next time. I want to look like a Fudgee-O by next weekend!

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A Note To Skinny Girls


Hey Skinny Girls,

Are you ready to have a new friend soon? I don’t understand the skinny girls that can go all day just drinking a tea and saying they’re not hungry.  I really thought I was going to pass out yesterday for eating nothing but vomit smelling protein shakes, but I did it. Nine days to go! I hope that when I start losing weight that skinny girls won’t be mad at me for all the horrible things I said about them. I know that I will wear a Canada Goose jacket too, and I’ll be a lot colder next year because I won’t have any layers of fat to protect me. One thing I can promise plump girls everywhere, is that I will not be the type of skinny healthy girl that complains how ugly I feel or how much I really need to lose weight.

So far, on day three of liquid diet, I am four pounds down! Each day I am getting more and more friendly and less like a grumpy hungry girl.

Love Always,

Soon to be skinny healthy girl

Hey Hey Skinny Girls


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Apparently, this post is mean, skinny girls, I love you. I’m just trying to get a bigger following! xoxo

What’s up skinny girls! Happy Friday to you! I’m loving the snow today, how about you? You know, I feel like skinny girls are super cold in the winter. All they have is their bones and stupid fall jackets and uggs that keep their feet cold and wet. I don’t feel sorry for you, eat something you skinny B!@#$, you could use some warmth this winter. You know what I LOVE? Seeing skinny people fall. HA! You skinny people have no balance, you’re all holding onto poles on the side of the road, and freezing your skinny boney bums off. I make natural heat! I just figured it out! That’s why they wear those silly looking Canada Goose jackets. Thanks to my darling friend at work Lucia Bernstein, who gave me a yummy afternoon treat yesterday, my toes were a little bit warmer this morning!  Sucks for you cold skinny people,  this warmth is free, you need to pay hundreds for yours. I WIN!

Slip-n-Slide


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For all you people that like winter: what the hell is wrong with you? I understand like a cool breeze, with little snowflakes, wow so pretty. But to enjoy freezing, snowy, slippy walks home, you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. Anyway, I like summer, summer allows me to sit outside for hours and watch my skin get all crispy and fun. In the winter I’m all pale and unhappy.

Besides hating the snow and the ice, and the slippery sidewalks, what I look forward to the least is the day that I will slip and slide on the ice. I know it will happen, last year was my best year, as I only slipped 13 times; not bad! I really don’t care about falling and hurting myself, I care more about what my fall will look like when my feet slip off the ground and I break the ice in front of me. Sometimes when I’m walking, I imagine the fall, last Sunday, for our first real snowfall here in Iglooville Canada, I pictured me falling head first and sliding all the way down the road hitting a cement post, luckily that wasn’t me, but it did happen to my dog Genius, he’s fine now though, he enjoys running into walls etc.

So far this year I’m 0/1. No falling, no slipping no almost falls; those are the worst because sometimes with the almost falls I want to hold on to the closest stranger next to me. My neighborhood is a little creepy, so I wouldn’t want to hang on to any strangers there.

Anyway, good luck in the ice this winter, everyone!

Story Time


So, I hate winter. Like, I can’t even begin to explain how much I hate it. My brother got me this coat last year, that I swore I would fit into this year- I fit into it, but I feel l look like a stuffed sausage. Anyway, in the winter of 2005, I had my high school ski trip. I was so excited to go, because I would hang out with all my friends, and look really cool skiing; couldn’t wait! Anyway, packing up for this trip, I realized I only had a pair of snowpants from when I was twelve years old and under 100 pounds. I decided to take them because I had no time or patience to shop. First day on this exciting ski trip, I get ready, and gee whiz, the pants don’t zip up. What’s the worst that can happen! So I’m on the ski hill, trying to impress all the cool kids with my cool ski moves, I noticed my tummy tum was getting a bit cold, but didn’t think anything of it. Three hours later, I’m lying in my bedroom being poked by my grade 10 science teacher… cool.Turns out I had frost bite on my stomach due to the pants not zipping up. This frost bite lasted a nice five years. just recently got the feeling back, so exciting, so much to do with it now!

Anyway! Bundle Up! Stay Safe! Image