No Pain, No Gain (Well, Hopefully No Weight Gain)


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So, I know I said I was all for going to the gym. However, the fact that my legs feel like I got attacked by an obese baby elephant, isn’t exactly making me want to go to the gym anymore. I get up from my desk at work looking like I have a bowling ball shoved up my butt and I am constantly getting stares. It’s cool, while you were sitting on your couch watching TV, I was out getting my ass kicked in Crossfit. Anyway, I decided that I will not go to the gym tonight. I physically cannot move, no, like actually. I cannot move. I need to be wheeled around, because otherwise my spaghetti legs will give out on me and I will be on the floor within seconds.  I really don’t want to injure myself so that I won’t go to the gym for another month after. I’m being proactive; let’s just go with that.

As much as I hate this pain, and as much as I want to slice my legs off myself, I know that in the end, I will have hotter legs than anyone else out there, and I ultimately don’t want to get rid of them, because that’s always been the one “skinny” thing about me. This excruciating pain is magnificent and I never thought I would say this, but I kind of LOVE it. I just keep thinking back to what I did. I did those gym classes that you see those crazy fit weight lifters doing on YouTube, I am so proud of myself. Fat Hillary would have never done anything like that. Well, she would have watched the YouTube videos while eating a bag of chips, but that’s about it.

I’m contemplating putting an ad on Craigslist right now for someone to come over and rub my thighs.

Elephant In Heels


I used to live on the second floor of an apartment building. I got the bigger bedroom in the place, and really thought that I lucked out–wrong! Every evening at 9:00pm I would hear what sounded like an elephant in heels dancing around the apartment. My lamp would shake and everything on my dressers would fall off. It was a mini earthquake but only I felt it. I assumed there was a large lady above me dancing around learning how to dance on a pole. because the noises that came from above were absolutely ridiculous. One night, I had had enough, and had to confront this elephant face to face. I bravely knock on the door, ready to explode and tell her that she should not be wearing high heels anymore, and to walk on her tippy toes like a ballerina. To my surprise, this skinny, super nice girl answers the door and I just want to hit her! Turns out she was working out on her elliptical in the exercise room, which was right above my room. Whatever, I didn’t have enough rooms for an exercise room, there’s my excuse. Anyway, I recently moved out, and now I live on the first floor. Genius gets a lot of exercise as now I can throw the ball around the apartment and no one will complain.