Dear Yoga Teacher, or any fitness instructor for that matter,
Thank you for thinking that I’m just as flexible as Amanda and Rihanna, however, I hate to break it to you, but I am not. I can’t even sit in child’s pose without my feet getting stuck in my butt. Isn’t child’s pose supposed to be the comfortable one when I’m relaxing? I don’t find it relaxing, I feel stressed, and also, I need a muscle relaxant just to keep my knees on the ground, and my head in a normal position. When I have to do downward dog, I feel like I’m a 6 foot Great Dane, unable to keep myself up. I shake everywhere like I’m doing the freaking salsa in an awkward pose. When everyone else is doing that funky thing when their feet are in the air and we have to reach, has it ever occurred to you that I have a stomach and it gets in the way? Seriously, it’s like one of the orange cones that won’t let you move. MY STOMACH IS AN ORANGE CONE.
Your enthusiasm makes me feel like I could do it, but the tire around my waist really just gets in the way.
Seeing as a fat plump girls best friend are her leggings, I am proud to say that I own a WHOPPING ELEVEN PAIRS. Not much, I know, I threw out seventeen earlier this year. Eleven and seventeen is twenty-eight, I’m a hoarder. Anyway, the reason why I threw them out is because my mommy made me! No, I lied, she didn’t… however, she did hint that I should get rid of them. How is it that I could have the worlds skinniest legs and prettiest face, and still have the most holes in my pants between the leg area. Is it just me that has that problem? I do not find it necessary to buy $1000 yoga pants with a glare just so that I don’t get holes in my leggings, I want Forever 21 $5.50 leggings that don’t get holes! Is that too much to ask for! Does Barb have the same struggles I do?
Ladies, ladies… and maybe some fashonista gentlemen. This is just a friendly reminder from your fellow plump friend reminding you that Lulu Lemons are not supposed to give off a glare. If you find that these yoga pants are giving you muffin top, or are suffocating your thunder thighs, maybe you should consider a size up… or perhaps a different style of pants. Spare your fellow workout friends, or friendly afternoon strollers, I don’t want to see what’s going on under those oh-so-tight pants when you bend down. Ew. It really hurts my eyes when all I see is ASS is my face when these other fellow plumpers are wearing pants three sizes too small. If you’re going to do that, you’ll look ten times better in the jeans three times too small.
Anyway, I learned my lesson. Time everyone else does too.