It’s Called A DIE(t) For A Reason


The hardest part about being on a strict diet, is knowing you can’t have anything you want. I’ve been on a strict diet for the last seven days, twelve hours, nineteen minutes and twenty seconds (which realistically I should have been on for the last twenty years, but whatevs) and all I can think about is fried food, fat food, sugary food- anything. I don’t even like chicken nuggets, but today, it’s all I can think about. You know those chicken nuggets that say “lightly battered:” on the menu, but then you get them and they’re breaded with an entire loaf of white bread and cooked in an entire tub of extra grease? It’s those that I’m thinking about. Also, pizza. Pizza is a triangular form of deliciousness that can be made in so many delicious ways, and is just so magnificently delicious. I also really like this super weird thing that I don’t mind sharing with the world. Get ready because it is so delicious that you just might eat your computer screen. Ok, so you know when you microwave day old pasta and there’s cheese on top?  When the cheese and pasta gets really crunchy, I enjoy that… like REALLY enjoy. Sometimes I try to burn my food in the microwave because I want the cheese and noodle chips. 

Speaking of delicious can we take a moment to talk about pickles? Pickles are amazing sodium stuffed cucumbers. They’re so crunchy, and really bother the people around you, because you smell like garlic and you’re crunching like a horse. I personally don’t mind hearing myself chew like a horse, but if someone else does it, they will have their fingers chopped off, and I will steal their pickle, just saying. 

Anyway, it’s funny just to say it out loud what I’m thinking about, because in the real world I would never actually eat pizza or deep fried chicken… never ever! It’s like I’m  a teenager who can’t have her little high school crush, they always want what they can’t have. 

Sorry Mr. Nugget, I’m better off without you. 

 

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A Note To Loud Chewers


Dear Loud Chewers of the world,

It’s time I come clean, and stop sitting here in silence and taking this abuse…I’m still not over the whole chewing with your mouth open thing. It’s really bothering me, and has been for the last 25 years of my life. Why is it necessary to chew like a horse, breathe like a behemoth and lick your fingers like curly sue? Actually, you don’t sound or look like curly sue, just a buffalo who’s hungry and has resorted to eating fingers. It’s so ugly! Was I the only one that was brought up to chew quietly and normally. I am not interested in hearing what your loud mouth has to offer. I also, don’t like when you spit your food on me. It’s rude, and impolite, and you should not be marching over to me with a buffet of food in your mouth. I like Niagra Falls, not Foodagra Falls, thank you very much.

If my mom taught me how to chew properly, then you can do it too. I will be giving tutorials, at a low rate of $5 an hour. It’s called Hillarys-School-Of-Learning-To-Chew-With-Your-Gross-Mouth-Closed-School-Of-Etiquette.

Thanks so much, and have a lovely day.

Goodbye.

D Is For Doritos


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Doritos. Do I need to say more? Doritos are the cheesiest, crunchiest delicious little triangles of goodness. Seriously, no chip does it for me other than a Dorito. Also, who can really sit down and eat just one Dorito. They are all so perfectly traingularly shaped. Doritos have the perfect amount of cheese to crunch ratio. The cheese doesn’t taste like that cheap stuff, but I know that it is. There’s this kick to it that is kind of spicy, but then you take a moment to think about it, and it’s not spicy. It’s a magic tortilla crisp. I’m salivating and feeling fatter as I write this.

Yesterday was my first encounter with a family sized Coscto style bag of Doritos since surgery. I said hello, smelled it, and then I licked it. After licking it, I proceeded to bite its head off and really just enjoy the hell out of it. It being one chip, no, I shouldn’t lie– I had four chips. I didn’t feel guilty, even though my mommy would probably want me to be angry that I ate those four little triangular cheesy taste munchers.

Anyway, I’ll enjoy munching on my pickle for now. See you next summer Mr.Dorito.

Cake Cake Cake


I cheated. I’m a big fat cheater. I feel terrible, and now I just want to curl up into a little ball and die in Carrot Caramel Cheesecake Heaven. The lovely 105 pound, Lexi Diggs is working so quietly at her desk with a beautiful piece of Carrot Caramel Cheesecake just staring at her in the face. She literally had this cake sitting on her desk and hadn’t taken a bite out of it. I had walked by about four times to see if she had taken a bite out of it, and nothing had been eaten. If that was me, that bad boy would have done some Houdini magic and that beautiful piece of cake would have disappeared in seconds!

I decided that I would be Fat Hillary and decided to walk over and ask if I could just simply smell her cake. She ever so nicely offered to give me the rest of it, and the skinny girl in me politely said “no thank you”. She persisted, and so, I took it. I took this piece of magnificent art to my desk and began smelling it, then I poked it, and then licked it. I took one bite, and I was hooked, so hooked in fact that I couldn’t quite keep my hands off it.  It was like the Brad Pitt of cakes. I took one fat girl bite and then another. Skinny girl butted in, in the middle of my cake eating binge and then, with food all over my face, sitting in a quiet office, I screamed at myself “NO FAT GIRL, PUT THAT CAKE DOWN”. I poured my Crystal Light all over the cake art and threw it in the garbage.

I think it’s good to be able to taste a little bit of everything, but not get too carried away. I mean, I’m a pro at getting carried away, how do you think I got this way? I think being able to take a bite, and then walk away without finishing the cake makes me stronger than I ever was.

Food is not the enemy, it’s just, well food isn’t your friend, but they’re not the enemy.

I Heart Jewlidays


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As most people might know from my tone, and bad attitude towards food and my loud obnoxious demeanor – I am Jewish. I’m not  a JAP (Jewish American Princess…duh), because I never really fit into that category. I always wanted to bake and lick the raw  cupcake batter from the bowl instead of going to school dances to meet boys and do my makeup and fun stuff like that.

Anyway, this week is Passover. The week without bread. Every skinny girls dream when it comes to dieting, right? Last night, this huge feast is placed in front of me, and for the first time in like EVER, I didn’t put myself into a food coma like all the years before. I took a little bit of everything and I had a little taste test party, by myself while everyone else around me was eating as if it were their last meal on earth. Ronnie Ginger even sat next to me, and we conversated and talked about life and love and food. Fat Hillary wouldn’t let that happen, but New Hillary was all like, “come sit next to me Mama and watch me eat”. I kind of also felt like a superstar. Everyone was looking at me, and complimenting and saying how good I looked. Then there was question and answer period when everyone wanted to hear about ME, ME, ME! This is like a totally new feeling for me. Old me would be so insecure and think that people would always be watching and judging, but new me was the life of the party and I made sure everyone knew what I was doing, but most of all, knew that I was having a great time!

When desert came around, I raised my large arm and said “yes, I want one please”. No more deprivation; I didn’t go crazy, I had like two bites, I swear, it’s all about moderation!

I am the most comfortable I’ve been in so long, and I am so happy! Round Two tonight!

Just Say No!


Anyone who knows me, knows that I am mad about cheese. Actually, scratch that, I am absolutely head over heels in love with cheese. When I walk by the cheese aisle, I like to stop and stare and imagine all the possibilities I can do with cheese. Anyway, it’s a sick disorder I have, I should really attend a Cheese Lovers Anonymous meeting because I’m not normal.

Anyway, today, while at Wally World with Rhoda Clarice, I walked by the cheese aisle. I had a good look and I was instantly drawn to this magnetic beautiful block of cheese that I just absolutely had to have. You know the way some girls are attracted to diamonds and then they can’t look away? I’m the same way, except cheese is my diamond. Anyway, I pick up the block of cheese and I notice that it’s light, “40% less fat than regular cheese”.. BS! Cheese is cheese. Cheese is fat. I put the cheese in the cart and I walk away. When I get to the cash to pay, Rhoda Clarice asks me ever so nicely if I’m going to buy the cheese. I took a moment to think about it. I looked at the cheese, then looked at my stomach. I looked back at the cheese and then immediately had to find a place to hide this cheese because I didn’t want any association with it anymore. I felt bad just leaving it on the shelf to rot; cheese has feelings too you know, so I found a fridge. The fridge with the drinks at the cash. I have attached a picture so you can see what I’m talking about. Rhoda was so proud of me, but more importantly, I was proud of me. I said NO!

Anyway Mr. Cheese, I hope you enjoyed your nice little cart ride around Wally World. Next time I’ll just wave at you instead of giving you hope that you’ll be coming into a new home.

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Cake


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Cake does not like me. Cake does not want to be my friend. Cake is a clingy boyfriend that will stick onto you and never let you go. I have decided that Cake and I are no longer able to be acquaintances. Cake is a life ruiner. Cake makes me happy for a little bit and then makes me feel fat and yucky five minutes after eating it. There is no “I” in CAKE, therefore I will separate myself from the evil beast.

Walking away from cake feels better than eating it.