I’m Fat, I’m Fat, Off To The Gym I Go


Ok, so I need to talk about something that I am sure so many people struggle with. How can I still look good while going to the gym? When I workout, I start with beautiful, long non-greased up hair, a beautiful outfit, and pants that cover my gluge* (Gluge is my tire shaped stomach which is usually formed in a gross flabby, very moveable form of stomach). How come, ten minutes into a workout, I look like a sweaty ferocious beast, losing my pants, and struggling to breathe properly. This can’t be right. Sometimes, when I’m sick, I watch the Paid for Programming TV and watch the workouts that the interesting people do. No one on there is sweating. I mean, ok, it’s right for everyone to sweat, but I just look scary. It’s like my gym attire and the aftermath of it all is a permanent Halloween costume. I feel bad for the people around me.

Just last week I moved into a castle. Yes, it really is a castle, no I am not a princess yet. This castle is magnificent and both me and Donald live together- big Stairmaster step for us! Anyway, in our castle, we have such a cute gym, and I absolutely adore it! The other day, during my first workout there, I realized that no one ever comes to visit. At this point, I decided that I wasn’t going to lift my pants every time they fell off my tire, and I wasn’t going to care if my hair looked mediocre. Halfway into my halfassed squat, I looked up to the left of my sweaty ass head, and noticed that there was a security camera staring right at me. Now, going back to the whole castle thing. In my building, we have 24 hour security, and it is a very well respected building. These cameras aren’t fake, and I know that people are watching me. For some reason, I decided that I was going to do my ass-to-mat squat and really do it for real, because I knew I had an audience watching me. I kind of felt like I was on one of those infomercials and people were watching me and learning from me. Although I did look like crap, I looked like crap while acting like a weight lifting champ.

I guess part of me always needs to be “babysat” in a way. I’ll never fully grow up and I love to be watched by the security team. Caramel has a crush on me*, I’m pretty sure- so I want to make sure that I do my bicep curls really well, especially so I don’t embarrass myself.

*(I love Donald, my boyfriend, however I can be flattered when someone has a crush on me. I don’t mean to say that as a bad thing, and I don’t want anyone to get mad at me for saying anything bad about Donald. Kk thanks)

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Happy Food Year


So, seeing as my last name is Cohen, I will be participating in the festivities that are jewlidays. Jewlidays consist of an abundance of food, a lot of soda at the table, and just more food, and more desert. So, there are a lot of things that I like about Rosh Hashana, and then a lot of things that I hate. I will start with the ones that I hate.

Things I Dislike:

1) When people stare at me when I eat. I know I could just be crazy, or that people are actually looking at me. Either way, I kind of wish that I could just sit in my own private bubble and not have to deal with anyone watching or looking at me. Or me worrying what people are thinking. I’m sure people are actually just minding their own business, and enjoying their Diet Pepsi, and delicious mouth watering meaty food; but it’s my insecurities that are coming out right now.

2) Diet Coke. It’s always at every square inch of every table at the family dinner. How is it that each special holiday, there’s always that evil bottle of bubbly goodness staring at me in the face? Whatever, I’m going to kick Diet Coke in the fat ass…

3) Food. Food states at me in the face. It sits there and I know that I can’t eat all of it. What ever will I do? Well, I’ll just have a bit of that and a taste of this. But it’s still staring me in the face.

I’ll get to the stuff that I like after tonight’s dinner…

Neigh


Today I discovered that I’m a horse. I am no longer a human, I am a little pony. Seriously, neiiiiggggh. I hope that’s the sound horses make. Anyway, the reason I discovered I was a horse, was because I get bored easily. I like to have something occupy my attention constantly, and when I don’t, I turn to food. Food is something that occupies my brain, my tongue and me in general.

I graze. I’m a horse, and I graze on food all day to keep me from getting bored. I’ve decided from here on out, that I will visit my local dollar town and buy some crossword puzzles, and glitter paint, to do some arts and crafts all day.

Grazing has kept me from losing my weight quicker than most people. After my 6 month checkup yesterday, it seems as though, snacks I thought were healthy, were in fact terrible for me. I was grazing on seeds like a stupid koala bear. These seeds cost me 1000 calories PER DAY. My normal caloric intake is supposed to be less than that. I’ve learned that seeds should be eaten in two year old form, and basically, I just can’t eat a whole bag in an entire week.

It feels so freeing that I can admit to being a grazing horse. No more seeds for me.

Diet Coke Please


I’m not sure if this next post is funny because I’m fat, or because I’m tall, either way, I’ll tell it.

So I’m 14 years old, out for dinner with my mom, and the nice waitress lady asks me what I want to drink, I respond with “diet coke”, because every 14 year old should be drinking DIET coke, and not regular coke, right? Anyway, she brings me this drink, and I almost want to projectile vomit all over her after taking a large fat girl gulp. My mom tries it, and it’s rum and coke, EW.

Anyway, apparently at the age of 14, I looked 18. Lucky me. Why am I only getting carded everywhere I go now?